Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives How is your R with your ex?

I think that once all is settled (legally/financially) she feels able to begin face to face contact again - I guess for fear that meeting up before then might cause problems. Everything has been completely smooth and cooperative so far.

I need to think about how I feel. Half of me is tempted to cut off all communication with her or anyone who knows her, but I fear that is me trying to punish her in some way (I usually adopt the silent treatment - passive agressive and all that). No halfway house, no knowledge of what she may have missed and it also gives me back some control. It does feel a bit childish though and I'm capable of moving beyond that.

I also fear what would happen emotionally should I see her. Would it set me back? Would all the emotion come out (there's definitely some left inside!)? Perhaps I would be fine and it might make me realise that. Who knows? I almost jumped out of my skin when I though I saw her the other day!

I really have no insight into her life these days, nor her mine. For all I feel betrayed, I do understand part of her behaviour and she has tried to be consistent and not mess me around. No rollercoaster at all really. Which is welcome. Still, I've grown and changed and we get on well. If it doesn't work, our R will wither naturally anyway.

I wonder if potential future Rs could be affected by our being friends though. Some may say it demonstrates emotional maturity, others could feel threatened by the shadow of a former, long lived R.

In my heart, I would hate the thought that someone who had been so close couldn't become a friend. I have never been one to believe it isn't possible, that's why I've tried so hard to keep things on good terms, even when I've been shocked and hurt. It would be a shame to let pride get in the way, without ever trying. I guess it's the emotional aspect I feel is so unknown ...

My R with my ex is nonexistent.

I have absolutely no contact with H. The last time we spoke was when I called him to see why my cell service had been terminated. He cut it off because my L had dared to ask for more spousal support. That was six weeks ago.

Oh, back to the Smiley Sauce: My H said via legal papers that he was demanding I pay his atty fees because I "wouldn't cooperate with him". LMMFAO!!!!!!

For real, H doesn't get to tell me what to do ever again.

Kimmie,

I have to say some ex's are just fantastic for comedy value, particularly the MLCers (as long as you are detached from the sitch that is). Unfortunately mine is far too rational and unemotional about everything.

The other day I tried to remember her laughing out loud about something and I couldn't! I think she suffered from a sense of humor failure every now and again - she certainly thought my sense of humor was terrible sometimes. Ah, freedom ...

Max

Heh.....I actually do get a few laughs out of the perverse insanity of it all. Was that redundant?

MaxP,

I have no contact with her. The e-mails are just about exchanging things.... Just "business"....

It happened twice....... Honestly, the first time, I was having a "bad moment" .......... I was just flooded with memories of my exW........ Then, the phone rings.... The number is blocked.... I just said, "Hello." There was silence for 10 - 15 seconds.... I heard people in the background like you would hear at a restuarant.... Then, the call ended.....

If it is her, it could be she came out of the fog and realized what she has done.... Realizing I have a new life with a wonderful woman.....

Take Care,

NMD

Max... replying to your orig post.

My R with my ex is pretty much non-existent. She is too busy seething and resenting to be in the same room as me. I have asked her repeatedly to attend counseling, mediation, absolutely anything.... her family has too. But she refuses.

I presume because she knows deep down that it may bring some things to light that she is not prepared to deal with. Plus, if she continues to avoid, she does not have to give up any control of the kids that she enjoys.

Frankly... I am glad to be rid of her. She is a sick and toxic person. It is showing up in her other Rs too.

So.... hope you are doing well. Sorry to hear about an OM in your sitch too. Been there.... it hurts. But it does get better as I am sure you are discovering.

Ciao.

Chazz

Chazz,

Thanks for your input. So many of the WASs are just in run away mode with regards to everything. I mean it's so much easier just to start again rather than work on a R, isn't it? Glad I don't go through life like that.

Still, my W seems to have very good relationships with everyone. Mind you, I haven't actually spoken to many of her friends since the bomb. I think most were surprised but are loyal. The thing that really annoyed me was that she said to me that some of her friends were full of admiration for her leaving a R. That was a comment on their Rs I think, but it made me feel compeletely worthless, like I was some kind of terrible person. Talk about having the tables turned. She's the hero to be admired? Strewth.

The OM sitch is one that was kept from me. I still have no direct confirmation of anything from her. I don't know when their R started or if it's still going on. She's never even confirmed that they are in a R and would be loath to do so. I only have a couple of bits of direct evidence and lots of other stuff that would make a lot of sense. In fact, I don't think about the OM at all. It's not something that particularly bothers me, as long as I don't have to witness it. The only part that makes me mad is that they (the OP) are poison for the LBS and the existing R that is already in trouble. When they enter the picture, they are viewed through rose tinted glasses while you are viewed through glass bottle tops.

I think that my W feels no guilt for how she has behaved. For her it is a perfectly natural thing to do and I am the one with the problem.

Max

Max, they all think we are the problem and when they "start over" and "find someone else" everything will be a bed of roses! Didn't you know that? LOL Yeah right! Best thing to do is just not speak to them. I absolutely refuse to talk to my EX. I don't care what it is, too many times in the past I have had to put up with her B.S. and I absolutely refuse to do it anymore. If its something that is important in her mind she can mail it to me, as I also refuse to open her emails. If she does mail me a note, I will read it and throw it away. I am not trying to be childish or bitter, but I just reach a point of being done. Does that make sense? I was nice to her through all of this, tried to work with her, and all she wanted to do was tee off on me with her B.S. I just refuse to listen to anything anymore. I guess I am an extreme case! LOL

Max.... some amazing similarities. Specifically..



Mine got some positive feedback too. It really hurt at first. Yet, when I observed over time, I came to realize that my ex was someone many of these people cared about deeply. And I am confident in many of these relationships that supposedly supported her that they were just affraid to lose her as a friend/relative. Also... it was just plain awkward for these friends/relatives so they perhaps say something positive.

Kinda when someone at work gets a new outfit or hair style and you really dont think it looks good but you say something positive anyway. Keeping in mind that D and relationship change are life-changing events. Everyone is probably in turmoil.

Then of course there are simply those heartless a$$holes who just dont care and feel that a person should do what makes them happy. Lame.




Total ditto on this one for me. My ex was spending copious amounts of time with OM immediately after separation. She made excuses for it such as the kids were getting together. I think she even fooled herself.

Many people had direct talks with her telling her she was doing wrong and that they would not put up with it if it were their sitch. She never admitted an R with the guy even during those times. Historically, it is her way to keep things concealed and controlled by limiting info.

Family told her if she wanted the OM that she morally.... at the very least.... must wind down marriage first (even though this was not what they wanted for us)... before she started again. My 3 kids witnessed all of this. What do you suppose it has done for their sense of values?

Yet... and here is the clincher... a year later they are engaged. Duh.... no $hit Sherlock! She had the nerve to say that their R blossomed over the years through all of the time they spent together with the kids etc.




Absolutely! Once someone is on the fence and start spending time with other person... the door effectively shuts behind. Even if the new OP is not to be the next R, the focus is on getting out of the old R. This part killed me. I knew I was sunk when she started hanging with OM.

So many WAW's (and WAH's) are completely self-deceived. It is so obvious to everyone around them.

The beauty is we can move on. Life does get better. Our former wives will some day be confronted with the truth of what they did. Maybe it will happen to them?

Either way... their actions cannot define what we have in our lives. There is healinga and recovery from D. I have found it. Never though I would.

Keep moving forward. Life gets better.

Ciao.

Chazz

Chaz,

I believe some day all of our exWs will be confronted with what they have done. Given the lack of morals of OM/OW, I think it is VERY likely the OM/OW could just want something new and move along....

I firmly believe the WAS is defined by what they have done. Whatever other R they are in, they will still have that "mark" against them for doing what they did....... If you do not believe this... Ponder how many WAS will EVER tell the truth about exactly how their M ended? If the honest truth is not negative, why not just tell it? The problem is they know it will scare many people away....

Take Care,

NMD