I don't know for sure if what happened was stress-related, but I do know that adrenaline from stress can make you feel dizzy, and it can make your breathing shallow as well, causing lightheadedness.
If you want, here's a meditation technique that might help you regulate your breathing and relax, and get your mind off your situation, until you can see your therapist:
Close your eyes, and breathe in and out, concentrating on the breath, count 1 on the outbreath (or you can count 1 on the inbreath, 2 on the outbreath if that feels better) and continue until you reach 10, and then start over at 1. Repeat until you feel calmer. If other thoughts enter your mind during this (and they will) just keep gently pushing them away and keep thinking about your breathing.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
turns out the dizzyness is a virus in the inner ear, that is much better then thinking i am going crazy.
I realize that I have placed way to much on her going to my parents. it may be a good sign (at least for her), but I allowed it to knock me back a bit. it put me back into the waiting mode and thinking that every time I heard from the family that it would be this wonderful news and when it was not i was crushed. That was my mistake. I have taken a step back and seen where i went wrong and am now going back to living for me.
I really do believe that all the little stuff does not matter and its just her way of coping right now, but i still let it bother me more then i should. its kind of like knowing the food in the frying pan is hot but taking a bite anyway and burning my mouth. (i do that alot too)
the ups and downs are so hard, and the silence is killing me but atleast I have not had to worry if i said the right thing or not when she calls.
Hopefully i feel better by the weekend I was thinking of taking the puppy to Yosemite, he has been a bit neglected since i have been sick.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
WOW I just hand an hour long texting conversation with my W. I was the one to start it but I’ll take it. I was feeling down and it just seemed right so I texted HI. She responded right away and we had a bit of a talk.
i did great. No R talk, to M talk, nothing clingy or needy or anything. we talk about her job search, my job, small talk about the cars, the about a friends wedding this weekend we both missed. she said she was really sad about that. she was playful and witty not rude at all. she told me to tell everyone Hi for her. I did say that they all missed her and that was the closest to anything i got.
it was a good talk. I told her I had a long day and needed a nap before i had to do something this evening. I started it but I got to end it too. i said "I’ll talk to you later ok" and she said "ciao for now"
Now the most important part is to not let this affect me emotionally and go back to being dark for a while, to give her time to make the next move, or if I do after a while it will at least seem like I am not needy. I am excited that she responded it has been over a month since I have heard a single thing from her.
I hate the fact that the highlight of my month is that my W texted me back, but for now that’s ok. Again keep reminding me to stay level headed and not to excite myself.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
just when i feel good i get knocked back. I read more from one of her guys. he was apologizing for moving to fast and she said she liked it and wanted to talk, text and see him more. I can't stand being run over again, can I please turn off her phone. I should not have to pay for this. And should i do it with out saying anything or say that I can not stand being hurt and I am done until she grows up.
Please help
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
just when i feel good i get knocked back. I read more from one of her guys. he was apologizing for moving to fast and she said she liked it and wanted to talk, text and see him more. I can't stand being run over again, can I please turn off her phone. I should not have to pay for this. And should i do it with out saying anything or say that I can not stand being hurt and I am done until she grows up.
Please help
JWS, I'm so, so sorry. Yes, you're right, you should not have to pay for the phone she uses to text other men. I would definitely say something about it to her first, and I would really consider if you want to say words like "I am done" unless you're really sure that you are done.
If I were in your shoes, I would say something real simple and direct, "I'm not going to pay for a phone that you are using to text other men on. It's completely disrespectful. Since you're living at my parent's house and can use their phone if you need to, and I'm paying the bills, it's not as though I'm depriving you of a phone and lots of support. If you want to text other men, get your own phone plan, I'm no longer going to pay for it."
I would be respectful and calm, and then follow through. She might be really angry that you are standing up for yourself, but it is completely reasonable that you not pay for what is really a luxury item that she is using to contact other men on.
The silver lining is that you won't have to read a text like that again. The other silver lining is that she will see that you are serious, and that she cannot expect to take advantage of your kind and generous nature without there being consequences. You are not a doormat.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
thank you for the support. i am going to take a few days to really think on this one. what you said earlier about her seeking relationships without any expectations or reality to them is still valid. i knew then that she was talking to other guys and excepted it as part of this crappy experience i can not control. the only change is i snooped and got bit.
i have realized something about my self. all my life i have been a positive thinker. all my professional and personal happyness has been gained by dwelling on the good things i want to happen. since our problems ayear ago i started to dwell on the bad. even after we were peicing i constantly worried about losing her. and i did.
i am going to try so hard to rid my head of bad thoughts. let her go on her journey and just imagine all the good time we still have. i dont want to blow this by freaking out about stupid stuff when i dont know what she is thinking and have no right to judge. i would rather my thoughts be of holding her hand.
however now that i know there are others trying to woooo her i diffently want to compete. i want to text her "your beautiful" and send her a bunch of poppies with a card that says cheers. (i can bet they dont know her faviorte flower.) this is hard because i am a romantic guy and love to do things like that. however LRT says not to do this and i do understand why. i just dont want to lose a competition for the love of my life because i am not allowed off the bench. i know i am the better man but i also deseve her at her best so i will wait around to see if she realizes this.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
thank you for the support. i am going to take a few days to really think on this one. what you said earlier about her seeking relationships without any expectations or reality to them is still valid. i knew then that she was talking to other guys and excepted it as part of this crappy experience i can not control. the only change is i snooped and got bit.
i have realized something about my self. all my life i have been a positive thinker. all my professional and personal happyness has been gained by dwelling on the good things i want to happen. since our problems ayear ago i started to dwell on the bad. even after we were peicing i constantly worried about losing her. and i did.
i am going to try so hard to rid my head of bad thoughts. let her go on her journey and just imagine all the good time we still have. i dont want to blow this by freaking out about stupid stuff when i dont know what she is thinking and have no right to judge. i would rather my thoughts be of holding her hand.
however now that i know there are others trying to woooo her i diffently want to compete. i want to text her "your beautiful" and send her a bunch of poppies with a card that says cheers. (i can bet they dont know her faviorte flower.) this is hard because i am a romantic guy and love to do things like that. however LRT says not to do this and i do understand why. i just dont want to lose a competition for the love of my life because i am not allowed off the bench. i know i am the better man but i also deseve her at her best so i will wait around to see if she realizes this.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
i am going to take a few days to really think on this one.
That's excellent, definitely don't want to go into it without really considering what you want to do, right?
Originally Posted By: JWS
i knew then that she was talking to other guys and excepted it as part of this crappy experience i can not control.
You're right that you can't control the fact that she is having some sort of relationship w/ OM.
However, as other people have said to you, you really aren't obligated to make cheating on you easier to do from a financial standpoint. I understand that you don't want to cut her off completely, you love her and want to support her, but I would really consider taking a stand on at least one issue, because you don't want her to see you as a doormat. It's not going to be attractive to her, and I don't see it getting you further towards your goals.
The situation now is that she can have these relationships with other men, and a relationship with you, while you are supporting her and paying all the bills. Do you see any incentive there for her to want this situation to end?
Originally Posted By: JWS
i have realized something about my self. all my life i have been a positive thinker.
I know, you seem like an amazing guy! I just don't want you to confuse being positive in this particular situation with being taken advantage of. And like I said, I understand it's SO hard not to confuse the two, I do it myself. You love her and pulling back from her seems counter-intuitive.
Originally Posted By: JWS
however now that i know there are others trying to woooo her i diffently want to compete... i just dont want to lose a competition for the love of my life because i am not allowed off the bench.
How would you feel if you were in your wife's shoes? Imagine that these other guys are paying a lot of attention to her, she has her husband texting her that she's beautiful, he's paying all the bills, etc. Do you see any reason she would want that situation to change?
The only thing that you can do is change your role in the situation--you don't allow her to have her cake and eat it too--and then maybe she realizes that the situation isn't actually so great anymore, that none of these other relationships are actually fulfilling, which she can't see because she still has you to rescue her.
You said, "I guess the best help i can give her is to let her figure it out on her own, to include falling if that’s what it takes, and being here continuing my life and being there for her when she is ready."
IMO, that is EXACTLY what you need to do--let her figure it out on her own, let her fall a little bit. Going dark (including no more contacting her/text exchanges like you had above) and telling her you will no longer pay for a phone she uses to text OM on are I think two good ways to do this, but I'm sure there are others. I'll help you brainstorm if you want to find something you're comfortable with.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
it was most diffently fate that brought you here and i am so glad that it has.
i know that must have been really had for you to post. you saw that your painful story could help someone else and posted. this world would be so much better if everyone could cummunicate like that.
i know that i am a guy but i have struggled for years with the feelings of not being good enough for my W. she has about 1/3 the sex drive that i do. when we make love its perfect and she loves it. as lovers we continue to grow and improve but if the mood is not 100% right she does not want to. every now and then she will do it just because i need it but does not want to take the time to have her own O. and she is a woman that can have as many as 5 if she wants to.
we were basicly in the patteren of having wonderful sex 3 times a month for about the last 5 years. when she would say she was not in the mood and unwilling to be put in the mood for no reason at all. all i felt was i was not good enough.
like you i failed in getting this issue addressed in cousling. this blow was the deepest after her EA. there was lots of sex talk and computer sex. and masterbating from a gril who was never into any of that and it destroyed me. she told me later it was so easy to type things because it did not seem real. but she was preparing to make it an PA and even tried out things he said on me. i guess i have never faced that pain ans even today that hurts as much as her leaving.
like i said before we handled our recovery last time poorly and this was another part of this that was never full healed. it hurt her so much to face the pain that she caused me that i just stopped showing it so we could be happy.
the day we let all our emotions out and reconnected again. she was so emotional and grateful that i did not hate her. we talked for 15 hours straight. i pray i will see that look on her face again and then we can fix things right this time.
sorry totake up space on your post this should be on mine but i just started to pour out things that i have never told anyone before and it felt really good. plus i am typing this on my cell phone so i am not sure how to move it over on this thing. this entire issue is one for the backburner anyways because no W equals no sex life to worry about. i guess its another thing to work on about ourselves
Hey JWS, have you read Michele's book The Sex-Starved Marriage? I'm working my way through it now, and I think it might be something that might help, or at least show you that whatever happened with your wife has NOTHING to do with you not being good enough.
Your wife seems to have characteristics of both the high-desire (seeking "virtual sex" outside the marriage) and low-desire (not in the mood) spouse, which is kind of a strange combo. I think there might be something to that in terms of what is going on in your situation right now.
Do you think that not feeling good enough for her has morphed into her mistreating you, and you feeling that you just have to give her more? Do you think it may have become it's own vicious cycle--you feel bad about yourself, she begins treating you poorly, you react by giving more, she reacts by taking more and giving less?
I'm going to move your post and this response over to your thread, keep all your info in one spot.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
So i started to do this thing this weekend i find kind of funny. I use to play a lot of baseball when i was younger. now i carry around a baseball bat in my mind. once i recognize that a bad thought has entered my mind, i envision that thought as a ball being pitched to me and I knock it out of the park. kind of strange i am sure but i did it all weekend. it not only refocus my mind it also makes me laugh.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
