Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives this maryangela -thread 3 -- he's gone

you can call your friends. friends would rather have you call them than to lose yourself. what about family?

are you thinking of killing yourself?

I'm NOT going to kill myself, nor would I ever, I just feel afraid right now, afraid of the future for myself and my daughter.

Maryangela!

Check out this site for the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT):
http://www.theamt.com .

It really works.

You can start with a very simple exercise: tap gently under each eye with your index and middle finger - On the bone just below your eye, in line with your pupil. If you are having an anxiety attack, it will help.

Come back and tell us how you feel.

List of things to do when/if feeling down (worked for me):

Go shopping. Take a hot bath with salts. Watch an action movie or, better still, catastrophe movie (nothing romantic!). Order some food, not everyday food, something unusual. Have a drink. Step out and breathe deeply.

(((hugs)))

It is scary not knowing about your future but you are not alone. You feel the fear probably because you feel out of control. You don't have to feel that way if you start making little steps towards taking some control back. What ever that may be, write it down. This is where making some goals for yourself comes in handy. Goals and accomplishing them help us to gain some control over what we see as having no control. It is mostly a mental game but it works.

Keep reading other people's threads here and it does help to post to them, too. It feels different when you are on the other side posting advice. Builds confidence in what you are doing and saying for yourself.

Just know that you will be okay. Keep telling yourself this. Take deep breaths. Go and have a bath, go for a walk, watch a funny movie.

Mary what's your list of things to do to help yourself relax and feel better?

Sometimes questions are rhetorical or "just to think about" but I'd like to challenge you to actually post your list here. I know a few of us have commented that you tend to not really answer/respond to prior posts sometimes and I think it would be very beneficial for you.

What is your plan for Monday to keep yourself from spiraling? Can you invite some friends over that night for a "girls night" and maybe watch some chick flicks or comedies? Or, at least, plan out your night - treat yourself to a favorite meal, a bubble bath, whatever it is.

I've got a lot going on with my grandma's passing so I'm not sure if I can post much more to you this weekend but I will be thinking of you.

Maryangela, I've sent you the wrong link yesterday, sorry!

I guess here is the one (tapping technique):

http://www.pivotpoint4u.com/page/page/4700267.htm

MA,

I don't know what state you are in, but you need to see a lawyer asap. Sorry since I haven't read your other posts I may be repeating what others said.

Here's the thing. Knowlege is power and seeing a lawyer, having options laid out for you, will make you feel so much better b/c you will KNOW you will make it and HOW. You'll be able to plan. Being a stay at home mom puts you at one advantage, which is that the h's income will go first to child support and alimony if your state grants it.In other words, the court won't hold you to a high level of income that you've never made. Make sense? Judges want the kids lives to stay as similar to what they were as possible. Stability and lots of it.

See the L, get the facts, and your fears will be greatly lowered. I'm telling you that nothing is more empowering than knowing you won't be on the street on welfare, even if your h stays away. You CAN make it without him. The L will show you how, or send you to financial people who show you how to budget on what you'll have and eventually be likely to make. Seeing a L does NOT mean the M is over. It just means you're getting info.

Beats walking around in an anxiety track around your house in circles. Plus, the L can suggest resources for you and your children that help in other ways. Including if your h is stashing away money, which most men do when they're having A's. Sorry, but as a Lawyer myself, I doubt I've EVER seen a man leave without planning ahead financially. You have some catching up to do, all at the same time that you're so hurt. But actually, that catching up can keep you occupied with something other than OW, etc. Use Stop Signs when it comes to picturing them together and remember too, that familiarity is not all bad. She won't "out do" you in every category in the world. It's impossible. Seriously, and she won't know the family or personal secrets or history or inside jokes and memory songs, etc. He'll think of you more than you realize.

When you do have contact with him, be upbeat, Stay calm, NEVER show him anger. It IS so hard but the thing my DB coach said big time was to "Listen like a lover" meaning don't argue and DO praise what you can. In fact, her words were:' APPLAUD LOUDLY FOR THE 1% GOOD THINGS THEY DO OR SAY AND STAY SILENT ON THE REST" and this is so very hard to do. But it gets noticed fast. DB coaches are the single most effective for ME, b/c I took notes, I prayed with mine, and she kept me on track. I also had other good support and took some sleeping pills when I needed to. DB coaching actually costs less than most private mc's in my area so I bought packages of 3. Just saying my experience was very positive and you can always just buy one. She told me that when I saw H I had to counter whatever negative images he was using to justify leaving, with POSITIVES of home. Warmth, care, fun times, Laughter, pride in the children, etc. and some more laughing...

HE'll wonder wth is going on? You'll simply "Be a woman only a fool would leave."

I'll write more later on her DB plan for me. It helped to have an action plan. Little goals at first, like not "losing it" in front of H. Staying calm in phone conversations, avoiding conflict. Enjoying YOUR time with the children and when you're alone, do one of two things 1) Get out of the house to do you GAL and or 2) do something you like to do, that you would not do with the kids in the house. Painting a room, taking a long bubble bath reading a book, having a friend over and watching chick flicks (Under the Tuscan SUn) got me through a whole first summer. The next summer, I TOOK MY 3 KIDS THERE and that was the best money I ever spent.

Seriously NO REGRETS about that. Screw the costs. It gave our family unity and fun without their dad in their face or calling them and nothing to remind us of him. I told the B & B the truth and no one mentioned their dad and they didn't either, except for little things that he might have liked. Not much. We laughed so much. I'm rambling. Just that trip meant A LOT to me. Still does. Like a victory, you know? You will have some MA, stay positive and keep on keeping on. You are in the right place for a sad reason. But you won't stay sad forever.
(( j ))

thanks guys for all your support. Yes, I have seen and retained a lawyer so I know my rights and all that is being set in motion. H knows I have seen a lawyer, but doesn't know what was discussed or the facts (as per my lawyer I was advised to not say anything to h about our discussions).

my goals:

h is moving out tomorrow, is gone for the day, so I willpack his clothes and stuff (he isn't taking furniture or anything else).
2. I will read a novel I bought
3. I will listen to music I love (found it helped me last night)
4. I will play guitar today (I'm a singer/songwriter)
5. I will plan which al-anon mtgs to go to this week and arrange a babysitter for those nights (probably 2 nights)
6. I will continue my 180 of looking fab again today
7. I'm thinking of going back to school, I will spend some time looking into this
8. I will take a nap (I'v always loved taking naps!)
9. I will put all pics of h and I away (except the pic of h that is in d's room)
10. I'm starting a job (I used to work for this company and am starting again tomorrow working from home) and I will totally focus on work tomorrow and do the best job I can
11. I will not engange in r talks or legal talks with h this entire week. (this will be first week he will be out of the house)
12. I will not call him unless it has to do with daughter
13. I will act upbeat when we do speak
14. I will act like I'm OK with things and that I need this time as well
15. I will spend loving time with daughter

any more suggestions?

thanks you guys.

Oh mary that is a wonderful wonderful list. I am very proud of you. It takes control and power to even sit and write the list. That will empower you. I know what you are going through. Honestly, post bomb (last summer) I have no idea how I did it, but far out of it now, I do see it does NOT kill you, in fact, it forces you to take charge of your life and make it better.

The little things about H that you will miss. These things are hard, but that's totally normal. It feels odd to be so distant from someone you've come to know so well.

thank you lwb. listen, is there any way I could talk to you, even for 10 minutes? you seem further along than me and strong. I just need to hear from someone and you sound wonderful

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