No contact works best for me as well. When we have to communicate we use e-mail or phone. I think the last time we saw each other and talked was last year at Mother's Day, when I dropped D off at his house so that he could drive her back to college.
It is SO much easier now that the kids are out of the house. We had a few years when they lived with me and he would see them regularly. Sporting events, etc. I hated that time of acting "as if" everything was A-OK for the sake of the kids, knowing that he was living his life w/OGIRL and then reaping the social and emotional "benefit" of being a "good dad" by showing up.
I have to admit that I have a lot less anger now...and starting to date has helped that immensely.
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
No contact works best for me as well. When we have to communicate we use e-mail or phone. I think the last time we saw each other and talked was last year at Mother's Day, when I dropped D off at his house so that he could drive her back to college.
It is SO much easier now that the kids are out of the house. We had a few years when they lived with me and he would see them regularly. Sporting events, etc. I hated that time of acting "as if" everything was A-OK for the sake of the kids, knowing that he was living his life w/OGIRL and then reaping the social and emotional "benefit" of being a "good dad" by showing up.
I have to admit that I have a lot less anger now...and starting to date has helped that immensely.
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
I was thinking about this thread when I wrote the following for my thread:
Originally Posted By: Committed2Him
My men's group brought up a topic that I wanted to take note of. It actually is an off shoot of the thread "How is your R with your X?" The deeper question is How is your X's R with You?
This morning the guys agreed that I have grown and distanced myself from X since last year. Then one of they guys pointed out that X hasn't grown. It was a WOW moment in that we all realized she still thinks that she can dictate my behavior. When she is not pleased about something, she expects that if she voices her displeasure, I should respond as if I were her husband. Consequently, she gets very frustrated when I don't react the way she wants OR if I ignore her all together.
I had not really looked at her actions from that angle but when I did, it made a lot of sense to me. The old dance we did when we were married is a dance I no longer dance (it did take some time to stop reacting when the music played but I have learned). So, I now have a little more understanding that when she expects me to react the way she wants and that when it does not happen, she will be frustrated.
"Sorry babe, dance this dance by yourself. "
I think some of the challenges some of us had post separation/D was that we and/or our spouse didn't readily grasp that the "realtionship" was now radically different. Often, one or both of the now separated/divorced spouses continues to dialogue as they has before the separation/divorce (not that there was previously great communication in most cases anyway).
A friend shared the following clip with me today and it made me laugh but it also hammered home the above point that the relationship and communication dynamics change at some point (when WE finally "get it" it is very liberating). The clip: Smiley Sauce
If these thoughts don't strike a chord with you, at least you can enjoy the smiley sauce
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Hey Kimmie, no need to thank me for the clip, it was Committed2Him. I love American Beauty too, some people just don't get it.
Well, W has finally said in an email that it would be nice to meet me, once all the legal stuff is done (house and finances). I'm still chewing that one over.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Well, W has finally said in an email that it would be nice to meet me, once all the legal stuff is done (house and finances). I'm still chewing that one over.
Hi Max!!
Interesting isn't it? They call all the shots and we have no choice but to go with the flow, but even after the D they think that they can still have it all their way.
My advice, chew slowly and on your timeline. You may not feel the sameway about this tomorrow as you feel today and from now on she doesn't get to call the shots where you're concerned. That is unless it's on your terms........
Good luck...........sounds like you're going to need it!
Hey Kimmie, no need to thank me for the clip, it was Committed2Him. I love American Beauty too, some people just don't get it.
Well, W has finally said in an email that it would be nice to meet me, once all the legal stuff is done (house and finances). I'm still chewing that one over.
For me, I have had very minimal e-mail contact...... That has worked for me........ However, it was weird... A couple of months ago, someone would call at exW's lunch time..... Block their phone number...... Listen to my voice for a while and hang up..... I doubt it was a telemarketer.......
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
For me, I have had very minimal e-mail contact...... That has worked for me........ However, it was weird... A couple of months ago, someone would call at exW's lunch time..... Block their phone number...... Listen to my voice for a while and hang up..... I doubt it was a telemarketer.......
NMD
That's a bit weird. Does this happen much? What kind of contact do you have otherwise? Do you talk about anything other than practicalities in your emails?
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
