Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Torn between hope and anger

I was catching up on your thread, SirPrizeMe, and I am sorry for the difficulty you are having with your child custody situation. Once you get into the legal system so many decisions are suddenly out of your hands. My lawyer sister who has been advising me says that basically the judge decides what is best for your kids and even though the courts are supposed to be neutral, they aren't. The mother almost always gets the children if she wants them. That's good for me, but not for you.

I still hope my H doesn't get nasty when it comes to ironing out our separation agreement (I still am not going to file for divorce and I greatly doubt he will do it himself.) Up until now, whenever I am at all resistant to what he considers his generous offerings to me, he starts throwing out threats about demanding custody of our sons. If I give the slightest peep about how hard it is to be a single parent or how he's not stepping up to his financial responsibilities, out come the threats. In his nicer moments he tells me how he is letting me have the boys because he knows how much I need them, like he's doing me a favor. Of course I want them with me, but the way he says that is so insulting.

When he is visiting next week I am sure I will have to run to this board to vent quite frequently just to survive it.

OK, the arguments have started.

As soon as H arrived, crying and confused, he also began throwing out threats about demanding custody and claiming the home because I began expressing that I didn't like his assumption that he could leave on this new path of his and still expect to have access to the farm when he wanted plus be due half of any increase in value of the land no matter if I sell it now or 20 years down the road. I'm all for splitting the value now, but once it's mine, I want it to be just mine. Should I get to claim half of all his earnings for 20 years down the road? ... Maybe I should since he's been spending these first 20 years of our marriage building up his skills that were supposed to be OUR future security. He is the one who said this farm life is not "big" enough for him and he is the one leaving it. Now he says he would live here if I didn't. Yeah, right, like the OW would pick up her chicago life and plop her three kids down in a rocky homestead in the far north. He doesn't REALLY want to let go of what he has here obviously. But he doesn't want to take responsibility for it either. I haven't seen a cent from him for child support, I'm living off our savings until my paychecks start coming in at the end of the month, and I don't expect I'll see anything from him anytime soon. He has great intentions but everything he makes he wants to reinvest to get his new business going. How can he think he has a right to claim anything from me?!?

I don't want our time together to be like this... but I can't go on holding the bag with no help from him and with the risk that he could pull everything out from under me if I don't get an agreement from him soon. He's got to face the reality of this life he has chosen. He hates it when I keep pointing that out to him. He doesn't want reality, he wants the fantasy world he is living. He wants to live pieces of both lives and it is driving him (and me) crazy.

I have no idea what stage of MLC he is in, or even if it is as simple as MLC. Last night on the way here he stayed at the home of the first woman he cheated on me with. It's like he's testing himself, or something. Because he didn't "feel" anything for her anymore he thinks he's cured of his insatiable sexual appetite. I asked him if he thought maybe he was just in a different stage of his life now? And he said that he thinks it's because he isn't in the sexual power struggle with me anymore. He keeps finding new ways to blame me for his behavior. I think he's been screwed up for a long time so I don't know if I can blame all that's happening on MLC. I almost wish I could, though. It's scarier to think that this may be really who my husband is...

Get a lawyer. Get one now. He's not paying child support? That's BS. Most states, you can get a temporary order for support before having to do the rest of the separation agreement.

Stop babying him. Get a lawyer and make him start living up to his financial obligations. Protect yourself from him ruining your credit or raiding any savings or retirement funds.

Forget his bluster. You're right - he wants all of you to be there waiting for him while he goes off to fantasyland. BS.

Ellie

PS -He's got no chance of getting custody of those kids unless they WANT to go with him - and it doesn't sound like they do,

Ellie

Lise, thanks for the concern.
I am hopeful that my custody stuff will sort itself out as time goes on. Feels like there's lots of anger on her side - she will have to give up things she didn't want to give up, like half of her time with the kids. I feel the courts will eventually do the right thing. I am not really happy about the way it is now, but I am taking the opportunity to improve my patience!

As for your sitch - I would advise you to get a lawyer too. but I would advise against letting your lawyer run the show. Lawyers are good at doing divorces, and left to their own devices, they will get you a divorce efficiently and effectively. If you don't want a divorce, or if you are not sure, don't let the lawyer do whatever he/she wants.

The lawyer will have lots of suggestions. You will have to rein her in constantly.

For example, when discussing how to split the equity in the farm - I would defer that entire situation to the attorney. Rather than getting pissy with your beloved, can you just say -"gee, that sounds complicated, I'm going to need to get some advice on that" ? This can buy you time, and it can deflect any arguments to the attorney. the attorney is the bad guy, not you. You are going along, but refusing to argue, letting the attorney be the bad guy.

The attorney might be in a good position to say - "look, we shouldn't just consider the farm alone. We need to look at the situation holistically." This is going to make for a much more complicated discussion, and it will require hubby to sharpen his pencil and think clearly about all the implications. In other words, don't break the situation down and make it really simple to settle on everything separately. Keep it all bundled which makes for more complicated discussions. This means more time, and if you are DBing, then you know time is on your side.

By DB principles, you want each interaction with H to be a positive one. This means you want to avoid or eliminate all direct conversation with your hubby regarding the details of the divorce. It is guaranteed to be touchy, so for that stuff, just make him go through your attorney. You want your interactions to remain pleasant, positive, and light.

Ps: an attorney is going to cost you money. Be ready for it. Think of it not as wasting money, but think of it as paying to delay your divorce, and also paying to reduce the risk that you will get a bad settlement, if you do divorce.

I know this is hard. Stay cool if you want to DB. Don't let your anger out on him. Don't let him draw you into an argument.

Well, I was so angry at H before he got here. Now I just feel sorry for him. He is really messed up emotionally. I think I could ask for almost anything right now and get it.

We have zero money for a lawyer. I mean, we normally lived off $20,000 a year and last year we were out of the country so had no income. We had savings to get us back on our feet when we returned, but this was not how I planned on using the money. I have just enough to get the house fixed up and keep us fed until my paychecks start.

H is not in any shape to come up with consistent income right now. It sucks, but I guess I just have to take on our responsibilities alone for now. I think he is going to sign the land over to me and not make any claims on our savings. He's got an expenseless life with OW or with his mom so he doesn't really need much himself.

I have been trying to figure out what stage of MLC he is in. It's very confusing. I thought he was in replay, wanting to live out this other life with OW. Then he stopped emailing me for awhile and I thought he was in withdrawal. Today he said he almost jumped off the cliff we were hiking on. I guess that means he's in depression. I don't know. I know the stages can get all jumbled, but I can't figure him out.

He also says that he can't imagine not growing old with me. He's hinting that he may want to come back. I haven't taken the bait. He is clearly not ready to recommit to anything right now. I keep telling him he has to stop looking for his happiness outside himself and thinking that he can solve his problems with a particular choice. I said it has to be an attitude that he commits to and he has to find his own answers - not through me or the OW.

I don't know... it feels scary to think of him back in my life in the shape he's in. I think I'd rather have the loneliness and extra work of single parenting than have him muddying up my life with his angst and tears.

But I have enjoyed having him home and it was wonderful seeing him playing frisbee with his sons last night. He is so unsure of himself that I had to tell him to go out there and join them. Tonight he borrowed my car (since his is a gas guzzler) to take S14 to blacksmithing. I am trying not to be angry that I had to bike to work (I refuse to drive his car because OW gave it to him) and just be glad he can help this way and be with his son. He seems to need to be shown how to reach out to them. I did tell him, though, that it seems too soon for him to take them to his place in Chicago next week like he wanted. He is just too confused about things and it would only add to their confusion I think. He agreed it was ok to wait.

My fear now is that as soon as he goes away into his other life, he will start being nasty again. I am going to get him to sign some agreement papers while he's here and feeling so guilty. I don't want to manipulate him, but I need to feel safe while he is being so unpredictable.

Oh PLEASE!!!! I get that he's depressed, but surely he can get a night job at 7-11 and send you some CHILD SUPPORT!!! If you were DEAD he would figure out a way to support them, right?

Ellie

VERY GOOD POINT ELLIE! If he's feeling so guilty then he needs to step up and be man and support his children. That is ridiculous! I know he's in MLC and having a lot of confusion but being a father has to come first. Has he considered any kind of therapy? I know there's no money for that, but there are free services usually through the county or state that can help.

You guys keep knocking me back to my senses.

I am so entangled in this man and his issues, I don't know sometimes how to separate myself out. I feel like things are going great because I feel strong and self-assured compared to him, but I guess that's not saying much based on what he is right now.

I'm pretty sure I'll get all the savings and probably get him to agree to child support but I am not at all sure that he will actually come up with the cash. He is so caught up in his own drama. He thinks he's thinking about the kids but he's not really.

I realize that I feel so sorry for him that I am tempted to back off, but I am definitely going to get some things in writing and notarized from him before he leaves at the end of the week. Whether he comes through or not, at least I'll have a piece of paper to wave in the judge's face if that time should come.

You need a formal order for child support, not some little note he signed. Please get some legal advice here.

Ellie