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BND,

i do not know if we can have it all. i think we would need to compromise on some issues. i think i would be happy when i have or do what matters most even if it is not "all".

my challenge is to discern what matters most

four days left till h comes back. he is dark too. nothing from him. i expect him being decent for 1-2 days after he is back and then all the hell will break lose. he is coming back from overseas so that when his tiredness, time change, etc will take over. i have my girlfriend who needed a place to stay till the end of may living at our house (he agreed). so i hope that her presence will contain the outbursts to some extend. or he might come back all calm and resolved and ready to d.

i am at a place where i do not want to do anything - like being upbeat, pretty, or in any way caring re him. i just want to be myself - take it or leave it. i am happy when i am happy, i am sad when i am sad.

i do not want to engage in any conversations with him. i will have to - decisions re selling the house, etc. i just so angry that i have to go through it. yes we came to the point where our m was not well together, but his decisions on pa and s and ow made it where it is now.

sh!*&! i am angry!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is his second m. he forgot his first wife - why would i think that my situation would be different. his 1st m was for around a year, ours was going on 20+ - but the result seems to be the same. he has the kid from the 1st m - didn't stop him, our two kids wouldn't stop him as well - he rationalizing that because they are grown up - it will be ok. the main thing is for him to be happy - that what he said before, point blank.

h is at home. sleeping separately. he told me that his timeline to decided about ow is aug. 1. something seems to happen around the middle of july and by the end he will be clear. i reminded him that i already heard this kind of speech before and it didn't transpire. he will have to work with her in aug. and i also reminded him that deterioration of his attempts to reconcile happened after he worked with her the other time.

he was easily laughing and it pained me to see that he is not affected by the way things are now. none of the pains, sufferings, tears or struggles that i go/gone through. he said something in respect that he is sorry that he destroyed relationships but i didn't feel any remorse behind it.

his deadlines sounds as one way of stringing me along.

i think i need to go more dim. talking to him disturbs me too much. he talks as if nothing happened, as if we are family. ya, i know that good relationship with him is good to the kids. but at the same time, but at he same time he is not understanding what he is loosing or already lost.

it may be not nice to wish on anyone but i wish him to experience at least some of the pain because he is not getting it.

i hate hear him lauphing

detachment...detachment....detachment

put music on
loud
so not to hear him laughing.

he started to engage me again with some conversation - i told him that i can't look at him. i didn' t want to cry in front of him and i knew if he will persist talking it will be a close call. he became not as engaging.

i am now trying to anticipate mother's day. our son graduating the same day. i do not want to have my husband even to say "happy mother's day" or give me a card. because he was sexual w/ow for the 1st time on the mothers day last year.

i think that i tell him that i do not want anything from him on this day. may be he doesn't want to give anything anyway. but i do not want to be put in situation of having him do something for me on this day. it would be painful enough as it is.

h brought some cut fruit plate he bought in the store. he said that he bought it for me. i said thank you but, no thank you.

he asked if we would not have sex(!) but could we be friendlier - "for kids sake" (granted two of the kids are not at home now, but in college and the third one doesn't see much of our interaction anyway). i said that i am preparing myself to be friendly when we will be with all the kids (during graduations, etc)

he said that he also thought about bartering - he bought me fruit and i would do him his favorite sandwich. i said that i will do a sandwich for him anyway. and i did. and i didn't sit to eat with him but took my tea to my room.

he tried to engage me more in his conversations - i called him up on it and said that i am not into talking. well the way he approached was very peculiar - he started to tell about his friend that he just talked on the phone who shared that it took her 8 years to find out what she wanted from life. he added (with a laughter), that he doesn't know if i will be able to wait for him for so long. i shrug my shoulders. he said that he began to understand that family values are important to him. i said that i am glad that it has such an importance for him. he answered swiftly - not "such" an importance... so i just repeated my "i am glad that ..." statement using exactly the phrase he used and went away

i prepared myself and follow thorough with a very short interaction addressing my two concerns. 1st that in couple days i expect him to became depressed and lashing out - his usual tendency after coming back from trips. he said that it may be different because he is better adjusting to time change, etc. this time. i just wanted him to be aware about this trend, so i accomplished it. and second i asked him not to do or buy or write for mothers day. he said that it would be ... i do not remember what word he used , something like weired... i answered that it was ok for him last year....

he asked if he can buy flowers at least, i kinda flirted saying that no and he doesn't know what kind of flowers i like now anyway

i look very sexy and beautiful today

Let him go.

He needs to leave, you need to move on.

If one day he finds a way to remove his head from his rectal cavity , acknowledge the horrors he has commited, and vow his love to you again, well...we'll see.

I may just be too sensitive to this, but here is what is the ultimate dealbreaker for me (as far as cohabitating):

"I'll let you know in August what the deal is going to be with me and OW."

I am not interested in being a "decision" or "choice" between me and some new person. Let me make the decision for you in that case - GO.

Just my opinion.


Blessings,

Bill

Strong IS Sexy.

Look at Bworl bringing sexy back and all that.

: )

Fire, you have a very good grasp on your sitch, very good control at your conversations and actions.

Are you finding it hard to find the balance of too distant, or too close with what you want to gain?

thank you for your blessings, Bill

yes, i know, to let him go... and it so hard when he is around. the issue of sex actually is a simple one - there is more clarity and boundaries are better defined but it is so easy to entangle in all our past emotional dynamics i purposefully make myself scarce to lessen chances to be engulfed by him - i feel like that sometimes, due to his intensity and my inability to put my guards up (still new behavior for me) and be strong.

actually that is another reason why to let him go - i am not ready. i do not feel strong enough. both emotionally and socially/financially.

it seems that his next trip is on 18. so 12 more days - i can do it. the time when the kids will be around will be tough.