I saw this myself (Charlyne Cares....) and it was awesome. Thank you for posting the above as it is very encouraging.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I read your post on yellowrose's thread & my H blamed me too, said I disengaged from our M b/c I didn't go back to work full time (he never told me he wanted me to or I would have), also b/c I hand fed the dog who was sick at the time & that was the only way I could get her to eat. He also said I tried to mold him into something he was not. Also said we were not meant to be together. I do think in your sitch it sounds like MLC, but I'm not sure. I do think my H is going thru it.
I've also been reading some on Charlyne Cares but I didn't get that newsletter.
I'm so glad you posted that. It helps us all.
I haven't been going thru it as long as you but I'm like you sometimes I just feel like giving up & I just miss my best friend so bad & what him back so bad. I can't believe he would give up his life, his job, move to another state with OW!!! It's scary how MLC does, at least I hope that is what it is. All the signs point that way.
Hi nlt, Thanks for posting. Your H seems to be mad and mean to you. The strange thing is my H is nice to me.
He did get a little defensive when he says he can spend his money anyway he wants. And I have seen his facial expression change when I use a firm voice with our dog. It's as if he is reminded and is bitter about the times we argued before the S.
Actually, I am not thinking of giving up, just can't help wondering how to interpret the things he's said. Whether he really means them and is standing by his original decision to end the M. It's confusing because if he really wants out, why hasn't he filed?
I know how you fel about missing your best friend. Your situation sounds more like MLC than mine, I think.
Yes, my H got very angry with me. I realize that was the only way he could deal with his guilt, that's what I think anyway. He got in a hurry but he never wanted me to find out about OW. I became a pretty good PI, not a good way to find out. It's still hard to believe he has done this b/c we were once so close & did everything together.
Don't give up!! I haven't either. I'm so glad we all have each other on this site. I wish I would have found it sooner but at least I'm here now.
I'm praying for you! I'm not sure your H wants out b/c he hasn't filed. My H filed the next week after he told me he wanted D, that was a shock to me. But I think it was bothering him, he knew he was wrong in what he was doing. That's my theory.
At least your H hasn't been mean & you are still able to talk.
Yes, my H got very angry with me. I realize that was the only way he could deal with his guilt, that's what I think anyway.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. This is what I learned from a psychologist - that men are susceptible to guilt and shame. To deal with it, they get angry because anger makes the body release endorphins so there is a temporary relief from the pain of guilt.
I notice you don't have kids. Same for me. In my case, it's me who wanted to have kids but he wasn't so keen and went along to please me (for the sake of keeping the peace). Since I came from a dysfunctional family, I see being a good mother a way for me to heal myself (from the absence of a mother in my life). So this also has been hard for me but I am trusting God to heal me His way.
Yes, I am thankful that my H is nice to me and wants to connect with me "romantically".
Last night, I wrote a "letter" to my H which I plan to read to him, either over the phone or face-to-face (and then give him the letter). I prefer the latter because somehow, I feel more comfortable seeing his face than calling him when I don't know if I'd catch him at a bad time.
A couple nights ago, I dreamt a nice but unexpected dream. In the dream, my H took me to a jewelry store to buy me a piece of jewelry.
When he was here 3 weeks ago, he commented on my watch. He thought it was another watch I used to wear before the S. I told him it wasn't. I said it was a present to myself. He asked if I bought it for my birthday. I said "Yes". It was for last year but he may have thought this year. Anyway, maybe the dream is somehow related to our conversation.... But it also seemed like God could be telling me that He's restoring my M. -PH
PH, Thanks for telling me about what you leaned from the psychologist. It does make sense. I wrote my H a letter too & gave it to him on Jan. 7, 2008. I told him that it was something I wanted him to read all the way (letter was long)& I told him no rebuttal necessary. I had to write it down b/c he could tell me how lonely & unhappy he had been for years (didn't show it, in fact right the opposite) but he would never let me talk. One night he really calmly told me a whole bunch of stuff but when it came my turn to talk, he was tired & had to go to bed. Or other times he would have to just get out of here, he couldn't talk about our R or anything of the past.
I know he read the letter, in there I told him the OW had been M at least 3 times & also for her to chase after a M man, what did that say about her & what did that say about him & how he felt about W like her. I don't think he knew at that time she had been married that many times (I had report run on her). Then he found out a couple of days later that we were going to mediation & it would cost 900.00 per hour, he was mad & cussed me out. He apologized but it wasn't until 3 days later.
Dreams can tell a lot & maybe it is telling you something. Hold on!!
Let us know how it goes when you read him the letter.
Then he found out a couple of days later that we were going to mediation & it would cost 900.00 per hour, he was mad & cussed me out. He apologized but it wasn't until 3 days later.
It is good that he apologized. It shows that he's still human, not an completely alien. Sounds like your writing the letter was a clever and sensible thing to do to get your message across.
I got a pleasant surprise this morning. My H responded to our email thread from last week. Since he didn't respond to me last Friday, I assumed he wasn't going to and I had let go of expecting. In his email today, he wanted to see if I still wanted his help.
I replied with some questions which he answered in an email. I am really grateful that he initiated the follow-up email. God does answer prayer. -PH
