Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives this maryangela -thread 3 -- he's gone

Sorry you're sick! That's no fun.

As to the "misery" - what are you going to do to pull yourself out of it this time? You don't want to keep living that way, so time to work on goals to get out of it.



Because he's made his decision and needs to act this way to show he's "confident" in what he's doing. He doesn't want to feel any doubt and he sure doesn't want to SHOW any doubt. I can almost guarantee you, he cares a LOT - he just isn't going to show you that. Keep working on you, on being the better alternative.

Your H doesn't determine your self worth - YOU do. You're allowing yourself to feel like nothing because of his actions. It's your choice. Don't give him that much power OK? I know it's hard, really hard, but focus on KNOWING that you are "something," that you matter in the world, regardless of what he is or is not doing.

Even if he comes back you're in for a LONG road. Seriously, try to pretend he's been kidnapped and there is absolutely no way he will return for at least a year. Or imagine he's gone completely - in a car wreck or something (not to be morbied, just trying to convey the mindset that I mean). In this mindset - he's gone, you CAN'T contact him or rely on him for anything. What would you be doing with your life to move on? Do those things now.

Hope you start feeling better soon. Being sick is NO help when trying to keep positive, I know. (((Mary)))

nik -- thank you so much. you're words always help me. I'm gonna try you on the phone if that's ok.

Please listen to NikB's words about you determining your own self-worth and her advice on getting in the proper mindset...it's excellent advice.

ok, I'm officially back to db'ing. You guys are right, I have to look like the better option than ow. I also read in a book on affairs that the initial bomb they drop is the "I don't love you" bomb "and i want out". They also usually deny there is anyone else. That is exactly what happened in my sitch. And right now, ow IS looking like a better option I'm sure! With all my backsliding and crying (you'd think after reading DR and these boards 9000 times, I'd get it by now).

Anyway, question. Should I go dark? With the exception of isaballa, should I just have no contact with him? What about drop offs and pick ups (now only times I see him and he usually stays about 1-2 hours each time with Isabella). How do I handle these "visits"? Should I just ignore him when he's here?

How do you go "dark" when a child is involved? And what things can I do to look like the "better option" than ow?

thanks so much guys

Hi Mary - sorry I didn't reply again yesterday. The phone thing is tough with the time difference! I'm usually at work during the times you're awake . I can post here on breaks/lunch etc. but I can't really take calls during the day. Had my bellydance class last night so it was really late for you, by the time I got home.

Yes... your sitch is (sadly) oh so typical. I swear there's a script for how the sequence of events leading up to the bomb, and the days/weeks following it. Sure there are variations but SO much of it's the same.

About the "db'ing" and "not db'ing" - I'm not really sure I understand what you're getting at with that. As I mentioned yesterday it's about doing what works, improving yourself, etc. Why would you choose not to do those things?

About your going dark question... maybe re-read the LRT section of the book (I haven't read it in awhile). See if anything clicks for you. I do recommend that yes, except for your daughter, go almost dark. Be polite, upbeat, and friendly when he's there. If YOU are OK with him hanging around for 1-2 hours that's probably fine - particularly if that time's focused on your daughter. I'd recommend being busy, polite, but relatively aloof while he's there. Don't initiate conversation or be "clingy" with him.

If it's messing with your head too much to have him there - that's OK too. You meet him at the door with your daughter when he comes to pick her up and when he drops her off. Say hi, welcome your daughter home, say bye... close the door.



I know I mentioned this yesterday and I think it's definitely the goal! But in terms of GETTING there, the very best thing you can do is NOT worry about this. Work on getting YOURSELF back - you said yourself you've lost a lot of "you" - so work on that. That's who he fell in love with right? Get back to being "that" person.

It may work and he may find you to be the more attractive option when the "high" from the A fades. It may not work... or you may not want HIM anymore at that time. But that's way down the road. Focus on you, for now.

For specifics.. go back and re-read the replies in a lot of your early threads. I know a lot of us gave you ideas.

Mary - when you have some time, take a look at this thread:
SallyM's story

Her H just ended his A after 18 months or so (and almost a year of separation). And, he wants to come home. She's grown so much, she realizes that he needs to do a lot of work and healing before that can happen.

If you have a chance, I STRONGLY recommend going back through her whole journey. It's a very inspiring story. I think it'll also help you see what we're all saying "in action."

At minimum take a look at some of her early threads and some of her neweest ones. Let me know if you have trouble finding them and I'll track them down for you.

I hadn't read up on her in awhile but used to post to SallyM a lot in the beginning. I just read her latest thread and I swear, she is a whole different (FAR stronger and healthier) person. It's not the first story on here like that and I'm sure won't be the last... but it's one sitch that put a big huge grin on my face today, and also one I think might be VERY helpful for you to read.

nikb -- thank you so much for obviously following my story and caring. I swear, if you pick a time you can talk -- I'll stay up!! My sister lives in CA and we talk at night!!

I'm SO sick today. I don't know if this was a db backslide, but I can't take how I feel anymore and d5 is due home from daycare at 6pm. She is a major handful to get to bed (doesn't get to be(fall asleep) until 8pm or so! I CALLED EVERYONE IN THIS FREAKIN' TOWN!!! i THOUGHT THE WHOLE POINT OF NOT BEING IN NYC IS THAT IN SMALL TOWNS, THEY HELP YOU!!!

Anyway, I broke down and called h. I SO nicely asked and (of course) he said no. I even said I would take her to the city on Sat as he has a school function. Again, he says, "I can't -- just let her run around". I didn't beg. I just said, OK, I asked everyone I could, no big deal, I'll survive this, thanks anyway. I wasn't mean at all (too sick to be mean). That was it.

Was that a backslide? I feel like H*LL!!!!!

someone helped me with d5 last night (thank the lord). I was able to go to sleep (gotta love ambien cr). I still feel not great, slightly better.

I know I keep repeating myself, but it just amazes me how when our spouses are in the throws of an affair, everything else goes out the window. I swear to the lord before this (only 4 months ago!) he was the BEST, most caring father you have ever seen. Would drop everthing for Isabella. Now, it's like, "I can't". No remourse, no nothing. wtf??? I have so many examples of the psycho behavor in the past weeks it's too long to go into here. who the h is he??

anyway, I know I have to detach as there is literally no talking to him right now. he can't see beyond his "love" for this ow. he is so in the fog. he's even cut off life-long friends who are calling the house worried that he doesn't respond to their phone calls or emails. he's like he's moved into an alternate universe. can this ow be that fabulous??

anyway, as I can clearly see now that no amount of talking or "reasoning" or whatever is not going to work, all I have left is to db. for me and isabella. at the end of the day, if he likes what he sees great, if not, I'm still a hot cookie, I'm sure I'll find someone else (someone that communicates!) the less contact with him the better because he so easily pulls me into being nasty. I admit, I have a sarcastic tone at times and can be nasty. and when he says crap, I just go right there. enough. it isn't helping ME.

I'm sick of trying to "de-code" his every word. I"m sick of his lying. I'm sick of his lack of caring and showing zero guilt. I'm sick of HIM.

GAL has been hard this week because I've been sick, but as you know, I'm going back to school in August and that is MAJOR for me. And guess where I'm going?? the school h works at!! he totally helped me with all the paper work and actually pursuaded me to go to that school rather then the one closer because my tuition will be free (as he is on faculty). wonder if ow knows. if I were her, that would bother me!

anyway, gotta go back to bed.

oh, nik -- I read all of Sallym's threads. So great. So inspiring. thanks.

I hope you feel better soon mary.

Just wanted you to know I am reading along.

thank you saffie

You have been an amazing inspiration to me. It's hard for me to imagine that h will ever change his mind because he seems so hell-bent on this "new" life. Just went through sallym's post (thanks nik) and it was facinating, like reading my own story (except for h wanting to come back).

I really do think affairs turn these people into someone else. my therapist told me that even though they act "fine" with what they are doing, inside they are terribly conflicted, esp. when there are children involved. that's why they shut out people from their "old" life. Makes sense. I just don't know who he is right now.

what's interesting though is he is still taking care of (I don't even have to ask) all things related to the house, etc. like he hired a kid down the street to do the lawn (I didn't know he did this), he dealt with insurance company for a very minor accident I was in. He payed for the bill (without me even knowing) on the old volvo I had to have towed. So wierd. I don't know if it's a guilt thing or what.