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I understand what you are saying......it's called love. You still care very much what happens to her. If you know how to contact her, then perhaps you could tell her what your plans are and that if she needs you, she can find you and until then you plan to move on with your life. I'm glad you aren't sitting at home brooding. You need to get out and get a life.

Sure hope she will come to her senses soon.

Take care.

Sandi

Sandi,

Can a person really get enough fulfillment from an online community that they can sustain themselves. I just don't really understand how this can replace everyone who has loved and supported her. I know that only she can realize when enough is enough, but what made you see that it was not real. Have you found any other information or resources that were helpful about online addictions? I would just like to learn more about what we are dealing with.

I heard a story last night about young man (22). He was very smart and in a great college. no one knew that he had a problem until he attempted suicide. then his family found out that he was totally raped up in an online community and online gambling. he did not go to class or make real friends in college and his family had know idea. he said that one day he woke up and realized that everything that he loved and trusted was not real and he could not stand it.

I am not saying that my W has ever been suicidal, but i had no idea that this sort of thing could be such a problem.

Dear JWS, I won't kid around with you.....it is serious stuff. There are all kinds of on-line things that one can become addicted to. My addiction was for male attention and getting my female ego boosted....big time. As far as replacing a "real" relationship.....I think for a while, it does. It is satisfying but then more is needed. Just as with a drug.....a little is enough at first, but after a while, you have to take more to get the desired effect. That is why an EA on-line usually turns into the people meeting in real life and then having a one night stand or an on-going PA.

As I have said before, if it had not been for the people here telling me what I was getting myself into and how the brain was actually affected by a chemical reaction to this "feeling of being in love", I would have continued until I had really messed my life up for good. I happened to find an E-book that talked about the same thing and I bought it and downloaded it on line and it followed up everything that the people here had told me. Since then I have read other books that would explain the same thing. It is an addiction.....plain and simple. The longer she continues in this state the deeper she will go until nothing can satisfy her and she will be in a vicious circle trying to satisfy her own empty soul and emotions. She will be on a frantic search for "true love" and happiness, but due to her involvement in this jumping from one man to another in order to get the "thrill".....a relationship won't last very long until it will fade and then she will move on to the next man.

I think very professional help...not from just a counselor, but from a psychiatrist would be what is needed to help a person that has gotten very deep in this condition. I don't have a lot of confidence with counselors in things this serious. I have learned that a lot of counselors don't actually have that much training in the field of psychiatry.

I can tell you that I wanted to have my time alone bad enough that I was almost ready to walk out of my M and get a place of my own, just so I could have privacy to on-line A's. Now that is pretty pathetic! I also know of another stitch where the W left her H just in order to do that very thing. As far as an on-line "community".....do you mean like a chat room or a group that supports what she is doing? B/c in the beginning, it was a big thrill to me. I had never done anything "sinful" like that before and so it was a whole new world that opened for me.

I think it can become a sickness if it isn't stopped, just as drinking, gambling, or porn can control one's life.

Isn't very encouraging, I know. That is why my heart goes out to you. I was so blessed to have a family that stood by me, but most of all......to find out in time...what was really happening to me and then try to get the strength to stop it. You see, even after finding out what was going on.....I had to get the will power to stop....and I discovered that was not easy. Just as with any other addiction....it is hard to break.

I really hate that her parents kind of "kicked her out". I understand that they were hoping that it would cause her to turn back to you if they did not support her, but it didn't work and so now, she may really hit rock bottom not having them to turn to.

I hope and pray that she will get help soon.....before it is too late.

yeah my next step is to beg her parents to make up, so that she can again feel that she has their support. Your stich sounds so much life her. that is exactly the EA from last time. this is kills me and I have a constant kicked in the gut feeling of worry, I will be here for her when she is ready but right now i am tring to turn it all over to God, because it is way bigger then i can handle alone. thanks Again.

on thursday W and my mother had a very good phone conversation. W said she did not feel that she belonged where she is. mom told her she did not and that she needed to be with people who love and care about her. she then invited her to move in with my parents. W was excited about this. she said she missed them very much and thoght that would be a good idea, and that she would be there on friday.

well friday came and went, she never showed up or called. that was the first good sign in 5 weeks and i got my hopes up a little bit then they came back down abit. I am trying not to let her actions affect my mood but they still do a bit. I am not sure if she just decided to stay there through the weekend or what.

I hope she takes them up on that. she had a very good therpist there that she really like seeing, and she could get in to a rutine other then the computer.

Well the new phone bill came out and i could not stop myself from looking to see if OM number was on there. it was not. thankfully. however there were two new numbers on opposite ends of the country. these can only be people from her game. so now she is starting to reach out for more then just the game. she talked to these numbers for hours at a time from midnight on. I guess i should take comfort in the fact that they are so far away but this internet stuff scares me. she has told me its so easy to talk to people online bacause it does not seem real, but they are real.

she did call mom back and told her she was coming on monday instead. not sure why she could not call when she knew she would not be on the road friday, there is no reason to worry people. I hate how nothing makes sense.

I hate detaching from her to move on then feeling guilty for doing so. I hate being optmistic then feeling like it is just wishful thinking. I hate venting but sometimes i need to and today i feel like crap. if she wants to have 5 hours late night conversations it should be with people who care for her and want to help her.

enough of the pity party, goodnight

Hey JWS,

We all have bad days. Tomorrow will be better. I love that you want to be her friend, without the expectation that she needs to be your partner. I'm new, too, but that's the kind of love/attitude it seems that successful DBers have used to rescue their relationships and themselves.

You wrote: "she has told me its so easy to talk to people online because it does not seem real," and "if she wants to have 5 hours late night conversations it should be with people who care for her and want to help her."

You're right, it doesn't seem logical, but it seems like she's hurting and looking for connections that don't hurt/aren't real/are easy/that she doesn't have to put real emotion into. People who care for her are connected to your life, they mean something to her. Doesn't make it easy on you or right, I know, but empathy helps you detach and understand her behavior instead of personalizing it.

Her online "friends" are not a reflection on you, it's about her issues.

And you've already found a great way to handle the situation, "I guess the best help i can give her is to let her figure it out on her own, to include falling if that’s what it takes, and being here continuing my life and being there for her when she is ready."

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”--Mary Anne Radmacher

Lost,

thank you so much for your support. you seem to put into words how i am feeling. I do think what you said about her connections that don't hurt makes a lot of sense.

Well the latest is she is now with my folks. She got there this afternoon. so now starts a new phase. I see this as a good step in the right direction but I am tying hard to keep my hopes and expectations low. I know that is no sign that we are getting better, but maybe that she is.

I need to read DB a few more times. i have been doing good with myself and going dark but i need to start to prepare myself for how to talk to her or see her. now that she is with family that is an option. I am not saying that I will be pushing for that but I want to be ready when it happens.

we both have an extremely close relationship with my mother and i don't want her to feel she is competing with that, so i am going to lay of calling mom for a bit too. she has felt since our teenage years that Mom has been her Mom in every way and now that she is back talking to her I don't want to mess with that.

I kind of feel like I am only half able to practice these DB principals. I am working on me and moving on with my life, but I can't stop thinking of her daily. I miss her, I worry about her, I am mad at her, and all the rest. she has been my companion for so many years through some really great times and it seems so wrong to try and not think of her and want her back so badly even though I feel like she has treated me like crap off and on over the last year.

Smart man. You seem to be laying back and watching things unfold, learning all the time.

You probably will continue to think of her every day. I try to turn my angry, obsessive thoughts to imagining that I'm simply holding my husband's hand again, and it's just a really positive image of where I want to be. Doesn't always work, but it helps sometimes.

You might want to give meditation a shot, especially a type called "loving kindness", or love without attachment, or metta. It's really helped me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metta

Hey, I'm going dark, too. We can do it together.

Question for anyone who knows about stress.

I have an extremely high stress job that is very dangerous and requires a clear head to be-able to function. Because of this everyone in my profession is very good at compartmentalizing. this entire experience has tested that and made it hard to do my job. there have been times when i have not been able to clear my head and have not been able to work.

today I got sick at work. I became very very dizzy and almost fell over. after that i was very light headed and still am. I could not work so i went to the doctor. he could not find anything wrong and was stumped. he recommended hydrating and rest. I told him about the stress in my life and wondered if it was a cause. he did not seem to think so. afterwards i started to feel really bad about my situation. I think that i was week because of it and let my mind wonder, but is it possible that this was caused by stressing about my W. i am pretty sure i only started to stress afterwards so i am not sure that it caused it, but he could not come up with a reason. I don't see my shrink for another week so i thought I would ask if anyone has experienced similar. I have had 2 panic attacks in the past and this was not like those it was much more subtle.