I know that does not make it all okay, but I want her to get perspective & realize that D is a bad option. I think part of this is she is going thru MLC now. She is being selfish and thinks she has done things to help our R. If she looks in the mirror I don't think she has.
My H is going through MLC also. He definitely went through the anger stage and now I think he's in the Replay stage; he's selfish & doesn't want responsibilities, etc. Have you gone through the MLC resource threads?? I've found them useful anyway. I don't know from what I've read I think they always come through MLC (after a year or two) but may or may not come back to the marriage at the end. And I'm trying to accept that as much as I can. Plus, I do think I'm probably a lot harder to resist now than I used to be anyway!!! He has to fight his attraction to me probably almost constantly!!! Karen
DMP, I only know you from reading your posts. And from reading all of them, I definitely do NOT get the feeling that you are at ALL okay with her dating other guys.
I'm still not sure why you won't just confront her. It sounds like simple fear-of-rejection to me, but isn't she already rejecting you??
DMP, stop now the snooping and the recording - you know already what you need to now - anything more is just masochism - Work on yourself because this is the only thing that really matters . If she is going to come back you have do be strong and confident, is not going to be easy to rebuild trust and you have to be in good mental shape to face the challenges ahead, with your W or with a new gal. Facilitate your W dating does not serve any purpose, don't be spineless like.... "I let you do it because I love you".... I am sure you don't like yourself like that. I am saying that because I kind of did that too and wasn't good nor for me or the relation. She is going to do whatever she wants, with or without your blessing, the difference is the way you look, and your integrity, so please defend your beliefs..... and you don't believe it is right to have affairs, so defend that.
I went to all the stages you described, and I know well how you feel, but I recently had my aha moment. Since last week I had an automatic answer machine calling my cell phone when I knew my W was close to hear, I am happy and party like at the cell, I show I have friends, I am living a great life.... I could win an oscar for acting... some girls really really want to go out with me (I wish it was true:) Strangely enough I started to feel better, and started to blend imaginary with reality... I am actually getting a life. I can tell W is bothered - yesterday night she called me late at night - she wanted to talk - "are you alone? she asked" I wasn't I was having a blast with some friends (for real), ok talk to you later..... No illusion here, I am sure she was just having a moment of loneliness, but boy did I feel good. You cannot change your W..... simply asking her to change.... but she may realize she screwed up big time with HER life and she'd better change.
Karen