Hmmm...clearly some people should not write at "the end of cocktail hour".
I agree that this sounded somewhat like DBing, only with a slightly warped twist to it somehow.
If you can get past the sense of betrayal you must have felt upon reading that letter, BT...you can look at it as a blessing.
1) There are obviously some issues about yourself you need to address and change. That letter wasn't full of delusions. If you don't turn that mirror around and deal with your own shortcomings, you might as well just piss in the wind for all the good this site and DBing will do for you. That letter was a wake-up call for you. Use it to your advantage.
2) You know "the game" that is being set up against you. So play it better, and with sincerity. Be careful of the spirit of offense that is probably trying to attach itself to you after reading that letter. Turn it around and make those words work FOR you instead of proving them to be true. Not many people get the picture of themselves as they appear to others painted so vividly for them. It is a blessing. There is an element of truth in those words somewhere. Be honest with yourself and address it. You can't change your wife, but you can change yourself and that will DICTATE that she respond differently to you.
Yes, you should probably stay away from other women for now. It's nice to feel that someone found you attractive, but it's likely you are not ready yet. Getting into something would not be good for you or the new lady, most likely, so hold off until you are sure you are through with your wife. It's easy to rush into a new R to feel good about ourselves, have someone to share our lives with, etc. but those good feelings are likely to be temporary. That's my guess, anyway. Susan Anderson's work on abandonment warns of avoiding either extreme: rushing too quickly creates one set of problems, but never trusting love again for fear of being abandoned again is also not the answer. When the "right" time is something only you will know, but I am convinced we can't look until we are sure things are over.
Work on yourself. Use this trial as a chance to learn about yourself, love, and life in general. If you do, you will feel good overall despite having rough days I suppose we will take some pain from our failed M to our graves, but I have seen over the past year how the pain does lessen. If you come through this ordeal wiser about yourself and what you can do better in your daily life (both with the person you love and all others as well) you will find a richer, happier existence awaits. I feel this in my own situation. So many things look so different to me know, that I can sincerely say I would not trade this experience, even the pain, for going back to the old me. If I have to lose my W to gain this, so be it. The quality of our relationships depend to a great deal on self-awareness about who we are, how we got there, and what we really want out of life. So many of us,myself included, were/are on auto-pilot, unaware of how our deep issues from childhood affect us as adults. We prefer to blame our spouses, bosses, life in general, etc. for many things we create unconsciously. Keep working on becoming more conscious. Someone on these boards has a wonderful quote at the end of each of their posts; I forget who said it but the basic point is that the purpose of life is to become aware, blissfully aware.
Yes, you should probably stay away from other women for now. It's nice to feel that someone found you attractive, but it's likely you are not ready yet. Getting into something would not be good for you or the new lady, most likely, so hold off until you are sure you are through with your wife. It's easy to rush into a new R to feel good about ourselves, have someone to share our lives with, etc. but those good feelings are likely to be temporary. That's my guess, anyway. Susan Anderson's work on abandonment warns of avoiding either extreme: rushing too quickly creates one set of problems, but never trusting love again for fear of being abandoned again is also not the answer. When the "right" time is something only you will know, but I am convinced we can't look until we are sure things are over.
Work on yourself. Use this trial as a chance to learn about yourself, love, and life in general. If you do, you will feel good overall despite having rough days I suppose we will take some pain from our failed M to our graves, but I have seen over the past year how the pain does lessen. If you come through this ordeal wiser about yourself and what you can do better in your daily life (both with the person you love and all others as well) you will find a richer, happier existence awaits. I feel this in my own situation. So many things look so different to me know, that I can sincerely say I would not trade this experience, even the pain, for going back to the old me. If I have to lose my W to gain this, so be it. The quality of our relationships depend to a great deal on self-awareness about who we are, how we got there, and what we really want out of life. So many of us,myself included, were/are on auto-pilot, unaware of how our deep issues from childhood affect us as adults. We prefer to blame our spouses, bosses, life in general, etc. for many things we create unconsciously. Keep working on becoming more conscious. Someone on these boards has a wonderful quote at the end of each of their posts; I forget who said it but the basic point is that the purpose of life is to become aware, blissfully aware.
Yes, you should probably stay away from other women for now. It's nice to feel that someone found you attractive, but it's likely you are not ready yet. Getting into something would not be good for you or the new lady, most likely, so hold off until you are sure you are through with your wife. It's easy to rush into a new R to feel good about ourselves, have someone to share our lives with, etc. but those good feelings are likely to be temporary. That's my guess, anyway. Susan Anderson's work on abandonment warns of avoiding either extreme: rushing too quickly creates one set of problems, but never trusting love again for fear of being abandoned again is also not the answer. When the "right" time is something only you will know, but I am convinced we can't look until we are sure things are over.
Work on yourself. Use this trial as a chance to learn about yourself, love, and life in general. If you do, you will feel good overall despite having rough days I suppose we will take some pain from our failed M to our graves, but I have seen over the past year how the pain does lessen. If you come through this ordeal wiser about yourself and what you can do better in your daily life (both with the person you love and all others as well) you will find a richer, happier existence awaits. I feel this in my own situation. So many things look so different to me know, that I can sincerely say I would not trade this experience, even the pain, for going back to the old me. If I have to lose my W to gain this, so be it. The quality of our relationships depend to a great deal on self-awareness about who we are, how we got here, and what we really want out of life. So many of us,myself included, were/are on auto-pilot, unaware of how our deep issues from childhood affect us as adults. We prefer to blame our spouses, bosses, life in general, etc. for many things we create unconsciously. Keep working on becoming more conscious. Someone on these boards has a wonderful quote at the end of each of their posts; I forget who said it but the basic point is that the purpose of life is to become aware, blissfully aware.
I think you are right Bruce. It is way to early but it is nice to dream and nice to be attractive to others. So amny peolple are making remarks like, "well if I was'nt married Tree would be my guy" "he won't be on the market long". Also I am sure my W is out looking and does also has "emotional" OM. I would not seek OW just because she has chosen that path but I think I will, in the near future, open myself up for a friend to hang with and see if it can develop into something. I really miss female companionship. I really like (miss) women and how they can fulfill your life in a very special way. I do wish it was my W that I could work through this with but I don't feel this is possible and I am getting to the point where I don't really think this is what I want. It would have to be a whole new marrage with tremendous effort on both sides. She is not willing to give this effort and does not believe that she needs to work on anything.
That's it for now, I thank you all for your support and please add your comments.
I don't really think this is what I want. It would have to be a whole new marrage with tremendous effort on both sides. She is not willing to give this effort and does not believe that she needs to work on anything.
Hang on to this thought BT, because it will get worse before it gets better, and many times your courage will falter, then remind yourself of this, that it is HER doing, and that as she is, with her lack of commitment, you could never have a decent M.
DItto what Amy said about that letter, make it work to YOUR advantage. Stbx has said things that hurt me, but after the drama was over, I started thinking,and some things he said about me are true, and I have tried to learn from them. I'm a bit of a hot head and it is hard for me to step back and not engage, prob that's why your mil had all those suggestions for your W. Hard to talk to a hot head, keep your convos drama free, eventually she'll catch up (took me a while, it actually made me madder sometimes when he was all cool, but now I get it.)
Good luck)))))))))) You have and will keep growing as person as this ordeal unfolds, it is a trial by fire, let the fire purify you, not burn you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I agree with Cat. We should not hesitate to look at our faults and work to improve ourselves, but the demise of a M requires at least one person who is not willing to work. Refrain from judgment of her--her reality is her reality, your reality is yours. It is what it is. You can't change her decision not to work, but you can remind yourself that the demise is not simply your doing. Marriages can come back from all sorts of problems provided both people are willing to do the tough work required. I do agree that one person can DB for a while, but at some point the other has to come around.
Terrence Real has a great point about this in his book "How Can I Get Through to You." Basically, he says that when A gives to B what B has long wanted, don't expect B to come around easily. Second, however, B has to be willing to take the leap if the M is going to work. We will never get a 100% guarantee on anything in life except that we will all die. At some point, B either has to decide to leave or really make an effort. He adds that B's not being willing to work may also be a form of covert revenge. B comes up will all kinds of reasons to justify not trying, but really these are just surface "excuses" to cover up what may be an unconscious desire for revenge.
I agree with Cat. We should not hesitate to look at our faults and work to improve ourselves, but the demise of a M requires at least one person who is not willing to work. Refrain from judgment of her--her reality is her reality, your reality is yours. It is what it is. You can't change her decision not to work, but you can remind yourself that the demise is not simply your doing. Marriages can come back from all sorts of problems provided both people are willing to do the tough work required. I do agree that one person can DB for a while, but at some point the other has to come around.
Terrence Real has a great point about this in his book "How Can I Get Through to You." Basically, he says that when A gives to B what B has long wanted, don't expect B to come around easily. Second, however, B has to be willing to take the leap if the M is going to work. We will never get a 100% guarantee on anything in life except that we will all die. At some point, B either has to decide to leave or really make an effort. He adds that B's not being willing to work may also be a form of covert revenge. B comes up will all kinds of reasons to justify not trying, but really these are just surface "excuses" to cover up what may be an unconscious desire for revenge.
I agree with Cat. We should not hesitate to look at our faults and work to improve ourselves, but the demise of a M requires at least one person who is not willing to work. Refrain from judgment of her--her reality is her reality, your reality is yours. It is what it is. You can't change her decision not to work, but you can remind yourself that the demise is not simply your doing. Marriages can come back from all sorts of problems provided both people are willing to do the tough work required. I do agree that one person can DB for a while, but at some point the other has to come around.
Terrence Real has a great point about this in his book "How Can I Get Through to You." Basically, he says that when A gives to B what B has long wanted, don't expect B to come around easily. Second, however, B has to be willing to take the leap if the M is going to work. We will never get a 100% guarantee on anything in life except that we will all die. At some point, B either has to decide to leave or really make an effort. He adds that B's not being willing to work may also be a form of covert revenge. B comes up will all kinds of reasons to justify not trying, but really these are just surface "excuses" to cover up what may be an unconscious desire for revenge.
