Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Maybe Last Thread in Separating, Found DB 2 Late

Hi CW

It sounds like a good convo. Sometimes it's healthy to really talk about the R and our feelings.

You've shown here that you're standing for your marriage and I hope your H respects that. It's so easy for people to just walk away when times get rough but you've shown that you won't.

Jen

I wouldn't be so quick to say it doesn't change anything. Give him a few days to think over what you said and you may see some ripples.

Plus it made you feel better. Always a good thing. It sounds like it was a good conversation.

I still think he's going to end up doing what he's doing. But, there's nothing I can do about it.

I do feel better and think the conversation was a good thing. H does, too, as I got this email from him this morning: "We had a good conversation, thank you for talking to me under really difficult circumstances, I appreciate it a lot."

It's important for our kids that their parents get along. That's where I am at this point. Yes, in my heart of heart, I still have hope. Yet at the same time, I realize that it doesn't matter. I think that boat's sunk.

CW - sorry you are feeling as if you are drowning - remember my original threads all had to do with drowning. Everybody, including my IC said it isn't over until you want it to be over or your H/W is in another committed relationship. I do believe this and will fight to the very end. Even if I think the boat is sunk, I will keep on bailing out that water.

I think the email to from H was good though - that seemed positive. Maybe his fog will lift - either that, with the weather we are having, maybe something will scorch his brain!

CBK

If something doesn't.....a taser could! Or maybe a baseball bat....or a cast iron skillet.....

You know, I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore. I really am quite detached. Sad, yes. But like I told him on the phone last night, he's been telling me since July that he wasn't able to do this. I think it finally made it through this thick head of mine.

At the very least, I know that I now have nothing to say in this decision. I've made all the changes I could make on my side. Any other changes need to be made in tandem. I have done everything that I could have up to this point. It really is all him now.

Now I'm dark. It's not that I won't talk to him or anything, but he really needs space and now he's going to see what it's going to be like. I'm here for him, but not actively.

Last night he finally admitted that his "down" is his. It's not "ours" or "mine." He's got to figure out his happy. Unless some miracle happens, that's not going to be with me.

cw68,
I cam eover to see how you are cause you sounded cheerful, I am glad I did.

I had one of these convos lately. I am not familiar with details of your sitch, but for us it was an ice breaker. Suddently we could communicate better. And it continues (had one tonight about his job-he initiated it). IMO, once we talked and he realised that we can actually understand each other, that there are no "crazy" feelings of anger and disrepect he relaxed. It opened up a link, a communication channel. So, as Michelle says, wait to see if this convo changed anything, even for a bit in your R...

Stay strong
K

CW, as you know, I was pretty much fully detached in my sitch.

To the point where we had a dinner which I proclaimed to be the "breakup dinner".

Two days later she wanted to recommit to me and to our marriage.

So far it has been going extremely well. It's coming up on 3 weeks now! No major hiccups, a few decent chats, but nothing too heavy.

So, just because it all SEEMS unrecoverable doesn't mean that it is.

Space, time, and pulling back slightly...those are your best bets right now.

He's picking up the kids tonight for their first night together in the apartment. Yesterday I went to the apartment and dropped off some of his stuff and picked up anything of mine there. I have his winter coats and a few of his shoes here for him to pick up with the kids tonight. Along with it I wrote a short note basically saying that just because I'm clearing his things from the house it doesn't mean he isn't welcome back. That he is welcome back when he's willing, and not pressured, into finding solutions to our problems. Told him that I hope he finds his happy. I meant the letter with all my heart. No manipulating, nothing.

I am definitely going to pull back. I'm here if he wants me, but he's going to have to be the one to come to me. Not only because I should have done this before, but in order for him to be the person I need in my life, he needs to be able to do that. If he can't do it, than I can't be there for him.

Mink, I've said it before, but you're an inspiration. Like you, I will be completely OK if we don't get back together, though it's still the outcome I want and our kids deserve.

Well, now you know... I think we all have to make it to this undefined point of... I can't even describe it. Essentially it is that point of enlightenment that you know what can become of your life. Divorce is the only "real" option that our S see in their mess. And as I have said all along, we too need to see that as an option and play from that angle.

I think that you have reclaimed some of yourself in your recent posts. It is to be determined if you have reclaimed your marriage but I can assure you that once I got to that point in my S that I was planning and preparing for D the tide seemed to change slightly at first and the very dramatically.

Once I accepted the most possible outcome of my sitch that outcome became more unlikely. Read back to some of the exchanges that you and I have had and some that I have had with others on the board and I think you will see the pattern.

In your case, me thinks that you needed to "give back" to H. Accept that you may have been critical etc. Well you gave, right? You changed, you did what you said you were going to do and the outcome changed little. So, acceptace of the outcome is where you are. Convos with the Lawyer, etc etc. He will see your actions not as concession of defeat if you will but he too will see that you have made the steps to prepare your life.

I am rambling here, but end of the day acceptance of the most likely outcome of our situations is really step 1 in any of this. Me thinks that you have blown down the dam and will see some progress.

Remember just prior to our breakthrough W was assaulting me with the vacuum and told me very matter of factly that it was over and I was no longer welcome in our home... I moved home for good 3 weeks later...

Accept the most likely outcome of your situation and prepare with that outcome in mind, it may change, it may not....

Good luck!