If you have children, enjoy the heck out of them. Don't stop being Mom/Dad, but show them every moment of every day that your love for them is capable of stopping bullets if necessary, and that it's as endless as the stars.
Make a budget.
Now make a real budget.
Take care of your finances. They probably took quite a hit during the "crazy" times, now it's time to straighten them out. Do what you have to do to live within your budget. Resist the temptation to celebrate your independence by indulging EVERY whim (though the occasional whim-dulgence is good for the soul).
I would echo exactly.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Guys (and maybe the girls) we are still not listening. Listen to ourselves, to our friends, family, co-workers and yes, even the dreaded x. I suspect we have fallen into the old trap of forming responses without listening, coming up with defenses or thinking about something completely different. (What color does a Smurf turn when you choke it?)
READ
Read something completely new, something you never even consider reading. Go back and read some of the High School and College stuff you hated. Recently read "1984", "Slaughterhouse Five" and "Seize the Day."
GO SOMEWHERE DIFFERENT
I'm not suggesting Cuba. Next time you are out and about, go in a store you've never been in. For those of you with lives and time, go see a movie you would never dream of seeing. Watched "Crash" last weekend.
TRY SOMETHING OLD OR NEW
Start walking or running again. Or writing. Go to the Y and take a class. Or find a class at the local community College. Or 3. Finishing up Statistics, after taking Algebra and Math Applications.
MAKE A DAILY GOAL (and complete it)
Even a small one. Spend only 1 hour online. Write 3 pages in the next Great American Novel. Read with your children. Walk a mile. Clean out the junk drawer in the kitchen. Just one small goal; make sure to complete it everyday. I know I am going in some many directions, I feel most days I complete nothing.
TURN OFF THE TV
Go outside. Rake the leaves. Mow the yard. Plant some flowers. Throw the football. Lie in the driveway and look at the sky. Listen to the air.
GO A WHOLE MINUTE, HOUR, DAY WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT THE X.
This seemed impossible not very long ago, did it not? But now, like many memories and thoughts and people and places of our past, they slip quietly into the place for old memories we bring out on a sad day and dust off and wonder?
MOVE THE FURNITURE IN THE HOUSE
CLEAN A CLOSET
FIND SOMETHING YOU ENJOY
If your current career (or lack of one) is not working, think about what you truly want and start moving in the direction. Yes, it is a BIG risk. But it is no more of a risk than being miserable and suffering daily and monthly. Research on the internet, ask people. Stop listening to the critics and listen to yourself.
Life is immeasurably difficult and divorce made it exponentially so. If we envisioned this, we probably would not have signed up. Everything we thought we knew and believed and understood was wrong. We can sit and wallow and talk about the injustice (and I do) or we slowly, imperceptibly move forward.
Major changes have already shocked us, no need to dynamite the whole life process just yet. So moving to Alaska to "live deliberately" might seem enticing, remember there is not internet or ESPN in the Yukon. _________________________
One thing that was very difficult for me was keeping busy. However, you "have" to do it. It's probably the most important thing you can do for yourself. Finally, you suddenly realize, it doesn't hurt so much anymore. You're laughing more, you're counting your blessings and realize, at some point, I made it. I actually survived the worse thing I thought could ever happen.
A lot of good advice. Thanks to everybody for sharing.
I would have to say that reading is really key. Today I reread the first 56 pages of the DB book for probably the 20th time. It makes me realize that what I am feeling is normal. Normal is ok. Especially if you aren't the one the started the divorce process.
Me: 47 Pet: Kind labrador, 12 years old. Best Friend anybody could have.
Divorce final 12/07/07 No Kids
It is no longer about the divorce or about her. It's all about how I live my life now.
I've thought about how to answer this for a while. There is really no "one size fits all" answer. But I did learn that you have to live one day at a time. In the beginning - just concentrate on that. For that is true "Survival". Getting up, showering, eating, going to work, taking care of your kids, paying the bills and sleeping when you can. Mustering up the best that you can for your kids was of the UTMOST importance. I could barely function in the beginning but I did go to work despite the fact I was usually a real mess there. But life goes on and there are bills to pay. Keeping some semblance of routine was vital.
Reading every book about relationships helped me as well as finding the bb. Others were experiencing what I was. This made me feel less of a loser - I was not alone.
DO NOT think that a new R will solve all your problems. It will not. It will create new ones for you. Besides - if you're not ready (and who really is in the beginning?), your kids won't be ready for it and what do you have to offer someone new? It will NOT make your spouse come running back to you.
In my first year I just tried to survive and save the marriage. In my second year I got my affairs in order and tried to find myself again while holding out SOME hope in saving the marriage. In the third year I knew the divorce was imminent so I concentrated on my financials as well as detachment. I was not interested in saving the marriage, more in saving myself and keeping my R with the kids very healthy. Only then did I start to consider a new R. I did a bit of dating and fortunately in the first 6 months found myself in a wonderful R with someone new. In hindsite, I was still not completely over my ex. However, the new R did help me put it more in the past.
Time heals all wounds. These days I think less about how unfair it all was, how nasty my Ex was/is and how much I'd like something bad to happen to him. Truth is - I still have those thoughts. Good news is - it does not pervade my thinking and is becoming less and less apparent over time.
Life goes on. I only have one life and "x" number of years on the planet. I want it to be good. I don't want divorce to ruin me or seriously taint my kids. Affect us? Of course - destroy us? No way!
Keep your expectations low and your goals within reach. Live one day at a time.
Life goes on. I only have one life and "x" number of years on the planet.
Amen! When you get to that point...realizing that thought...you've made it.
All I can say is six years out...keep a sense of humor and work to realize it's not all about you. Let yourself grieve but don't wallow there. Look for even the smallest things to be grateful for. A life lived without gratitude is a pretty dull and dark place. (And yes, you can find those things even when it seems very dark...you can be thankful that you're still breathing, you have a good meal, a bottle of wine stashed away ....)
Give yourself time. Time to heal. Time to become whole again.
If children are involved, love them and let them know ALWAYS that they are loved. Look for new things to do. What GAL things did you want to do before? DO THEM!
This is your time to find out who you are. On your own can be scary but it's also exciting. Don't just look at the curses of divorce. There are also blessings.
Journal - a lot. A year from now you will review that and wow......you will see so many changes.
Don't rush into a relationship. Don't automatically log on to match.com. TIME.
Overall, I think time is the best thing.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
It takes time to heal from a divorce. Do not rush into another relationship. In the interim, someone may get hurt. Most importantly, why settle for a loser? Rebound relationships do NOT last. Drama and trauma is not what you need. You've been through enough already! You need to know what triggered the D so that you do not repeat the same mistake! Secondly, you need to forgive yourself, and your X.
If you have children, be sensitive to their needs. They are going through an adjustment too.
Tia: This is excellent advice. It is the advice I try to give here, though it is frequently ignored. Looking back - I know when I THOUGHT I was ready for a new R and when I actually was. Those numbers were a couple of years apart. I call Rebound a "Bandaid" R since it does take the hurt away for a bit. But rarely are they the longterm answer. More often they just suppress your grief and delay the healing. The healing has to take place eventually. And you really do have to analyze WHY the D occurred and be accountable for your own part in it.
....)