Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

Yes, resistance has been a major theme for me. Everyone is right about needing to let go, change my thoughts, etc, but as many of us know, actually disentangling from someone you've been with for almost half your life is NOT easy. I have a particularly painful history of abandonment, too, so that makes it extra hard. I appreciate the 2 x 4s, I do. They work for a while and then I'm back in my misery. I am, however, as "dark" with H as possible these days, truly. My friends are amazed at how cheerful and as-iffish I am around him.

At the moment, I am struggling (not visibly, just inside) with the idea of being a single mom. Oddly enough, EVERY one I know is married (minus one friend). I live in a progressive city, but I feel really weird being one of the few single people in my circle. We used to go out with couples/families--am I now the 3rd wheel, tagging along with couple friends? There are so many big and small ways in which life will change, I feel exhausted thinking about it.

Also--OK, get the 2x4s ready--I can't help but having this old-fashioned sense of "why can everyone else keep a husband but me?" I think of the millions of women I know whose Hs are there and I can't help but wonder what it is, what I did, to mess things up.

Are these feelings healthy--NO. But I do need to get them off my chest.

When I was a kid, we had this medical textbook that had absolutely revolting photos of skin diseases. I would put the book up on a high shelf so I couldn't get it, but then I would become obsessed with having to look at it, to freak myself out. I guess that is my way sometimes--to look at my ugliest feelings head-on. I think it helps me to de-mystify them, but I know that I am more inclined to dwell on that stuff than on the positives--and that must change, I know, I know!

LMG - WOW. You and I sound a lot alike. I was just saying the same thing basically on my thread last night. What in the world is so wrong with me that I failed as a wife and I'm failing as a mother?

I too tend to dwell in the negative. Today, when I got home from work I immediately changed by clothes and went outside to mow the grass. With the ipod screaming in my ears I can think while I work but then I end up back to dwelling.

What should we do about this? Acting "as if" only gets us so far. It gets exhausting being so fake all the time when you're dying inside. I have been trying to come up with a strategy for GAL but I'm not having any luck. My son is 13 and can be left for a while without much worry. I know it's much harder for you with two younger children. What activities have you found that you like to do by yourself?

You said all your friends are coupled, mine are too. I just finished a Divorce Care class and met some wonderful women. They have challenges with childcare too but we're hoping to get together next week for dinner. Have you looked for a support group in your area? Are you involved in a church?

Maybe we can come up with ideas for each other. We all have different ideas and maybe one will trigger another.

((((((LMG))))))

Hi Mishka,
I haven't yet found a support group here. I am waiting until we are "out" to the kids and everyone. I see a therapist and I have an incredible group of friends. I am not religious at all, so anything church-related isn't right for me.

I GAL'd anyway, so it's hard to make a dramatic change there. I am going to a volunteer fair next week to look into something I can do at a hospital or with animals. I took the girls to LA to visit a friend of mine over spring break. But I work part time, freelance at home, so a priority is to get more work, esp if D is coming in the future. I am so distracted and pre-occupied that I am not focusing well at all. I also tried my hand at gardening for the first time, but my back didn't like that too much!

At the moment, I am very upset because of something that happened a little while ago. D6 wanted to sleep in the fort they made in the family room and wanted d11 to join her. D11 didn't want to and D6 started crying, so H volunteered to sleep with her.

D11 said "You're just looking for an excuse not to sleep with mommy since you are getting a divorce!"

We have not told the Ds anything, but D11 is obviously aware that things are not right with me and H. That sort of blew over and D went back to her reading, but I am SO ANGRY WITH MY H FOR DOING THIS TO OUR KIDS. My D11 is especially anxious, blames herself, a perfectionist. She is facing so many changes in her life (sleepaway camp and a new school next year) and I am just livid that H wants to break up our family now.

How did you tell your kids? We have agreed that I will not badmouth H, but that he must be upfront about this being his decision. The above scene just made me feel more strongly about that. I can't even imagine being there with him, but I guess I will have to.

Look, I know the guy is struggling and that he genuinely feels he cannot remain in our M--I do. I can take his leaving at this point. But I really find it inexcusable for him to do this to our family, our kids.

Glad to have you here, Mishka. Hugs to you too.

^bump

LMG - The first time H left I told him he had to go tell our son that he was leaving and why. The second time he left I made him do it again. The third time I went in the room with him and he flat out told our son that he didn't love me anymore, didn't want to work on our marriage, and would NEVER come back again. Wasn't that special?

The cruel things he said out of anger in front of our son made me so crazy but I almost pushed him to it because I was so angry with him for leaving for the third time without even giving me a chance.

I'm so sorry your daughter is having to go through this at all but going through it at a pivotal time in her life makes it that much worse. Since she obviously understands some of what is going on, you will probably need to sit down together without your younger daughter present and talk with her. Both of you need to be there so she can ask questions as she needs to. Hopefully she will feel that she can. You will need to talk to your H before you talk to her to set down some ground rules for what will and won't be discussed.

With D7 you will need to keep it much more simple. The standard "mommy and daddy can not get along anymore and can not live together anymore. We are not going to be married anymore but that doesn't mean that we don't love you and your sister with all of our hearts."

I know this is not how you feel. I know this is all about H but this is the only way I can see to get the general idea to your daughter without getting into too much detail with her.

As we all do, I hope that this will not really be the end. That your H will get his head out of his butt and realize what he is giving up.

What have you been doing to be nice to yourself?

I suppose, except H&I do get along and laugh and we don't fight, so I don't know how this will make sense.

I went to a funeral yesterday, for my friend's father, someone I have known since I was a child. Her parents got D when she was around 12. Her mom spoke and recounted how she and her former H had met and fallen in love and remained dear friends after their M ended. She was there when he died. It was encouraging to see that you can get to that place of forgiveness (though they've been D for 30 years, so who knows how long it took.)

My H is in some sort of denial. When I referred to what d11 said about sleeping with me and getting D, he said "There's nothing remarkable about me sleeping with d7 in her fort." But that's not the point!! The point is that D11 commented on it the way she did. I feel like he's waiting for some kind of permission from me to tell the kids/move out and is angry at me for trying to hold him back. But I'm not! I told him I wasn't going to stand in his way; he's the one who can't make the final break.
I think he hates himself and is transferring that onto me.
argh.

Another odd thing is that when I was leaving for the funeral, we ran into neighbors. d7 said :"Mommy looks pretty because she's going to a funeral" (She was referring to me being dressed up, which is rare for me.)
H said: "Mommy looks pretty all the time, not because she's going to a funeral."

Our neighbor said "awwww" as if that was such a sweet thing for H to say. And it was--except that it means nothing. Nothing he says or does that seems loving means he loves me "the right way" as he tells me over and over. JERK.

Oh Gosh, LMG,
your situation is tough.

I believe that your husband still has good feelings for you, deep inside, but something is blocking them. Something has convinced him that he cannot share them, cannot stay with you. It's HIM, not you. He effortlessly says that you look pretty all the time, but then he can't stay with you. He instinctively tries to make you laugh and delights when he sees you smile but them cannot bear to stay with you. Why? Not sure, but it sure seems like his issue.

As for why he will not leave - one possible thing maybe you have not considered: leaving the domicle has legal implications, whether it is a "legal separation" or not. It means he is leaving his children and he is giving up defacto custody.

I left the house after my wife continued to refuse to suspend her relationship with her boyfriend. She changed the locks, began to allege violence and since then my time with the kids has been severely restricted. Any attorney worth a lick would have advised your husband not to leave until there is some sort of agreement in place.

His statement "There's nothing remarkable about me sleeping with d7 in her fort" also suggests to me that he is seeing an attorney. In the context you described, that is a defensive statement, absolutely. My take is that he is afraid that you will accuse him of misconduct with the children. Attorneys in this situation advise their clients to avoid any appearance of impropriety.

This is the tragedy of attorneys and divorce - when people sign up an attorney, often they turn off their brains and just let the lawyer drive. True feelings disappear, and they replaced by scripted legalistic posturing. It's sad. it's de-humanizing.

You think he is a JERK, and I guess he is. But why? Is there a reason he is acting so JERKish? Maybe he is in deep pain. For someone to act like this, there must be something wrong. Not trying to excuse his actions, nor am I saying that you shouldn't feel the way you do. I totally empathize with the feelings of loss, the unending chorus of "why why why does it have to be this way?", and the belief that this is soooo simple to solve if only... if only.

But somehow he cannot handle the "if only". he cannot face it, somehow. Why not? There's something lurking there. It's HIS issue, not yours.

This is why it sure feels like relieving the pressure seems right. Acceeding to his wishes where it makes sense. Being strong for yourself but at the same time, accepting what comes.

(ps: I face the same challenge as you)

Hi SPM,
I wasn't suggesting impropriety re: the fort. Nothing like that at all--only that the issue was not that daddy sometimes camps out with the kids. The issue was that d11 clearly knows we are not in good shape as a couple. What bugged me was that H ignored that part of it.

He has not yet seen an attorney. He very much wants me to go to a collaborative L or a mediator with him so we can work it all out with "good will," as he puts it. He is terrified that I will go wiith a litigator. I have no idea what to do. I am very low on good will right now since he has dsimssed my wish to do MC from the get-go.

Something is wrong with him--but what is that something? He truly doesn not seem to be having an affair and he truly does not seem to be gay, so what else is there that makes him so resistant to our R?

Hi LMG

I just caught up on your thread. Wow! Rewind about 3 months and you could be me. H finally moved out in April, contemplated since February or maybe even earlier. Same sitch as you. We get along great, never fought, kids never saw it coming! I never saw it coming. I didn't think he was involved in an affair either.....but oh yes, he was. On-line EA, they met in person twice (one time a weekend at a hotel while he was on a business trip)...he says no sex. So it's possibly a PA, only he and OOW know for sure. I still am hopeful that he will return, some of his family seems to think that OOW is on back burner right now. I don't know because I was finally able to stop snooping and I am trying very hard not to start again. My best advice is hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I have a file of "proof" with my attorney. I have not initiated any action yet. I don't believe in divorce (unless abuse is an issue) so if he wants it, he can spend the money on an attorney. I'm not signing. Hang in there, these aliens that have taken over our husbands will eventually leave to inhabit another unsuspecting H (or W).

Today I met with the child psychologist my D11 used to see. I wanted to talk about how to handle all this with her, given the fact that she has two other major transitions coming up in July (sleepaway camp for the first time) and Sept (new, high-pressure school that requires a long commute on public transportation.)

It was good to talk with her, but it has also confirmed how crazy this is. d11 is a very anxious child and the psychologist thinks that of course throwing a S into the mix with these other major transitions is going to be very tough.

She has met with H&I several times in the past to discuss D11 and she said she was truly surprised to hear that H refused to do any MC and was so determined to leave, given how she saw us interacting with her--ie no conflict, seemed like a good team. She said she thought the ILYBINILWY excuse was "naive" for someone in a 19 year R.

Anyway, she asked if we could ride it out until mid-fall so that D11 could feel settled in her new school. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am so confused and upset and overwhelmed and exhausted.