I love this quote, taken from an article in my post above :
Think of his wife/her husband. Is it fair to her? She's been married to him for however many years, cleaned up after him when he's sick, raised children with him, sacrificed with him, dealt with the "damn dailies," then you come in at the 11th hour and provide a contrast to that that's new and exciting and fun. You are intruding upon her turf. You are a trespasser. It is no different than being a thief in the night. It is no different than breaking into their house and stealing their things.
Hi Sweetie, I wish I could tell you that you will not have any more bad days. I do hope OM has finally gotten the message through his head and will accept your decision and never try to contact you again. It is important that you tell your H. If you try to keep it a secret that OM contacted you.....even to keep it from hurting your H, it somehow will backfire on you and H will only see that you cannot be trusted and lied to him. That is what he will see....not that you were trying to protect him. So, in the long run.....show him the letter.
I have to say that you are indeed one of the strongest ladies I have ever had the privilege of knowing! It takes more guts than most people can begin to imagine to do what you have done. I know men get up on their high horses and like to remind women how they are suppose to love their H's etc., but the important thing is that we are all human beings with flaws. We all go through something at some point in our life......me, I was later than most, and who would have thought...me of all people? But, still it happened and it humbles me b/c I will never again be guilty of saying that I would not do such & such as some other people do. We may find ourselves eating our very words. We can't justify what we did. We can try to make some kind of sense out of it due to our own emotional need or pain at the time we got involved with OP, but it still does not justify us to turn our hearts towards another man. That was said more for those others that will read this post rather than you, b/c you and I already know the score, don't we?
You have made a huge, brave step. One of the problems for me letting go of my OM was that I secretly wanted to keep him in "the wings" just in case things didn't work out between me and my H and then I would still have OM waiting for me. I saw it (in a very strange and sick way) as security, b/c at the time, my H was not working and it looked like we may lose our home and everything in my life was pretty dark--as I saw it. So, I understand how hard it is to really, finally cut those ties.
You will have days that it will be tempting to contact OM....even though you deleted everything and threw the phone away and did all the right moves......you know that all you have to do is go on line and email him and you are hooked up with him again. You were able to do that to tell him not to ever contact you again through mail or any way. So, it is like the alcoholic keeping a whiskey bottle in the kitchen cabinet. You will get mad at yourself for being tempted, but that is part of the withdrawal. The grieving is part of it and if you will accept it as actual grieving and not beat yourself up for it, then I think you will be able to handle the R with your H better. I was ashamed that I actually grieved for my OM, but I went for months on end thinking about him. I thought if I could just get to the three month mark, I'd have it made.....it was better, and I tried to sound positive and like I was so much better, but I still knew he was lingering around in my mind. Finally a friend here on the board told me that I was keeping the EA alive by fantasizing about OM. She was right! Man, I hated to admit that, but I knew it was true.....and that part was the hardest to overcome b/c after all, I had made him to be what he was in my own mind. I think he even could tell that I was blowing him up larger than life b/c he reminded me once that he was "just a man like any other man". But during the time that I was contacting him, I could not see where he fit into the category that people said these type men were. They did not know him. He was different! How could they say these terrible things about him, etc. After all, I had given him some "tests" and he passed them all.
What you posted about the OM brought back a lot of memories for me. I am blessed that my OM did not pursue me b/c I don't know if I would have had the strength to fight it at that time. I was on very shaky grounds when I decided to stay in my M. In fact, at first it was more that I had no choice but stay due to financial reasons. But then it became for the right reasons. That is one of the main reasons I tell H's not to finance their W's expenses to live on their own in order to have A's. Make it difficult for them to move out. My H was tough on me and I don't know if I will fully ever have the trust that we once had. I don't know of another couple that trusted each other as much as we did.....and I broke that trust. However, I know that he is trying to trust me with all his heart b/c he said that was the only way he could survive in the M. Sometimes, I wonder if he still searches to see if he can find where I've been making contact with OM. Maybe in time, all will be healed.
So again, my hat is off to you for being so strong and for doing what is right. Doing what is right doesn't make us fall in love with our H's all over again. It doesn't cause us to have sexual desire for our H's just b/c we decided to stay in the M. The real battle has now begun. Your M is much younger than mine and therefore you will have issues to face sooner perhaps. I don't want you to put too much pressure on yourself when you don't have the feelings that you think you "should" have right away. It takes time to get over the OM and start feeling what is normal for your H. I hope your H will realize this and be patient with you. Your desire to get there is the biggest hurdle.
Just wanted to let you know that you will have some weak moments, days, tempting times.....but you can do it. You can get through this. I admire the way you went about doing all of this. I was stubborn and still had a rebellious streak in me and did not want my H "controlling" me and therefore I did not include him in my break-up with OM the way you did.
My H has not asked questions and I'm glad b/c it is hard and brings much embarrassment to me.....but he really didn't need to ask questions b/c he had already read everything that had been said between OM and me.
Anyway......tell your H what happened today. Keep everything in the open. Keep the slate clean.
Coming to this board will be good therapy for you. My H would not agree to talk to a single person. He would not agree to MC, talking to our Pastor, a friend, nobody. But, I had to have something to help me through it....and this board was it for me. I think it will help you also, and I know you will help a lot of others.
Take care and feel free to call on me anytime.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm having a hard day today. I'm trying to be happy, but my son just had his last day of preschool. It is making me sad. I keep thinking of the OM and I know I shouldn't be. I haven't told H about the letter. You can read my post in the other forum for that reason. I should probably write those "therapy letters", Mark, and keep trying what you are saying. I will. I need to do something. I have a feeling today is just going to be a bad day, though. Got to get through today.
Our point exactly. Thanks for making it, Didi. This is weighing on you. Now you have a secret with OM again. Now you are thinking of him again. This could escalate. You must stop it now.
Get rid of it. Do the right thing. Confront your fears. Trust your marriage to be strong enough to overcome adversity. That's what the marriage is for -- two people working together to make one good life.
I suggested on the other thread that you put the letter in a sealed envelope and give it to your husband with an explanation of why you think it would be better if he didn't read it. Because it talks about the past. A past you have made a decision to walk away from. You are focused on the future.
I hope your husband will burn or tear up the letter and throw it away. You both need to do that. You need to confront the past, understand why it was a mistake, apologize for it, and get rid of it. This is garbage. If you keep it around it will stink up the place.
And do it today. You will lighten your mood, and you won't have to guiltily explain why you delayed forever doing what was clearly the right thing to do.
Oh great! You did the right thing, sweetie, and don't you feel better now? Carrying around that "secret" and that burden will make you sick.
I would like to suggest that you get your thread on one forum so we won't have to go back and forth to keep up. You are always free to go to any forum to post to others and reply to other threads, but it just helps if your thread is settled in one place, either here in "piecing" or in "infidelity" wherever you want to be. Just my suggestion.
I am soooo proud of you. That took so much courage and I know that there was a little secret temptation there that you did not want to admit. It just works on us like that and keeps the OM alive in our heads. I know your H was proud of you too and it showed him how committed you are to the M now.
Keep up the good work.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok, I'm going to settle myself in the infidelity forum. Thanks for your words, Sandi. Yes, my H said before he went to bed last night: "Thank you for telling me. I want to know."
Good deal. We will meet you over there in that forum. I kind of think that is where you wanted to be anyway.
I'm proud of you. You are proving to your H just how hard you are willing to fight to make your M work. That is more than some can do. It took me a looooong time to just get to the place to be willing...to be willing, if you know what I mean.
Talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
