The one thought I have in all this, is that your W may well have the same assumption as you: that you will one day wake-up and try to build an independent life for yourself. It is possible that you both are waiting on the other to make the first move!
I don't see where she has any impetus to change her sitch. She is cake-eating. You are not especially keen on the prospect of changing the sitch, either.
Don't sweat the stress on setting the boundary. I think if her actions trouble you, and they certainly seem disrespectful what with the note writing and all, then dialog with her. You can do this in a logical, non-confrontational fashion. With a bit of diplomacy, she will work with you and not against you.
Best, --Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
No Hill, It's cold as a witch's teet in this house alright!
Chris,
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You are not especially keen on the prospect of changing the sitch, either.
I told her in Dec. that I wanted to start D mediation and she freaked out...threatened to make it ugly, tell the kids that everything was my fault, etc.
Not sure if she would exactly follow through on all of this, but it was clear at that time that I had two choices, try to control everything, or let it go at it's own pace and try to keep it peaceful.
AG, Along this line, since I am still working through my own mid-life issues/re-prioritization, I am not incredibly worried about a Plan B right now, just working on my own plans. However, I guess it would be to just file myself and let the cards fall where they may...or maybe move to Louisana where they have fault divorce and then kick her butt out!
Have a great weekend and think of me tomorrow morning, I'll be doing an open water swim, watching the sun rise and dodging the gators!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Your reaction to the bomb is different - and perhaps not a bad thing since you seem to have detached from W. Paying for a car rental now and then is not that a big deal financially. And you are providing a stable environment for your kids.
Is W a good mother to the boys?
At one point in my M, The X asked me what I would do if he cheated. I replied that if we had kids - we would continue to live together. We would never sleep together again and he would have to be discreet with his affair so that it did not affect the kids.
I realized that you are doing what I said I would do.
The only thing I wonder about is - whether this arrangement is stressful on you. I hope you are not internalizing the stress - that can be bad for you. You seem to have achieved a nice balance in your life.
If you have made peace with this - well it is actually a good set up for the kids. They seen both of their parents everyday - they have stability.
Thanks! It was awesome as usual. We went 3km right after sunrise. One of the most peaceful things I've ever done. Just need to get someone to lead a Yoga session on the shore right before the swim! Spent the rest of the day at the beach with the kids.
I also got to the 90 min. ashtanga class this morning and went on a bike ride this afternoon, so the weekend was just about perfect.
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Is W a good mother to the boys?
Mostly. At least as good as ever. But this isn't really the point, is it? She IS their mother. They love her and she loves them.
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If you have made peace with this - well it is actually a good set up for the kids. They seen both of their parents everyday - they have stability.
I have made peace with the fact that I cannot control her into doing what I want. I am not willing to live like this forever, no specific time line, but not forever. I just would like her to work with me for an amicable split. Since she refuses to do this for the time being, we are where we are.
Thanks for checking in!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Sounds like you had a nice and relaxing weekend and a great time with your kids!
Swimming at sunrise sounds beautiful. I had to google ashtanga yoga - is that one where you move from pose to pose?
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Mostly. At least as good as ever. But this isn't really the point, is it? She IS their mother. They love her and she loves them.
I read so many posts where the x seems to walk away from the kids. I think it is a good thing that W is a good mother and that you can see that even though the two of you are not really in an M type of R anymore.
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I have made peace with the fact that I cannot control her into doing what I want. I am not willing to live like this forever, no specific time line, but not forever. I just would like her to work with me for an amicable split. Since she refuses to do this for the time being, we are where we are.
Plese correct me if I am wrong - I think I read that OM is married. If so, it could be that she won't be ready to jump the current ship until the new one is ready.
There really is no rush to move things along. It's not like you are putting your life on hold. You seem to be doing the things that you want to do and your posts do reflect a sense of peace.
The challenge ahead is the dismantling of the infrastructure when the D does happen. That takes a little while to get use to and the process is a royal pain in the you know what. I think I read in one of your posts that you were considering setting up a trust for the kids education in their name. Did you ever do that? I would also consider listing them as beneficiaries to any life insurance with a non-W person being responsible for the funds. I think that is a good idea to plan ahead financially.
On a completely different note - have you ever considered that with time if W decides to give up OM and give the M another shot, you may be amenable. You seem to have detached and you did have a M that worked at one time. I have seen couples that sometimes go through a bumpy patch with seperation, affairs and maybe even D - and then with time are able to get past things and reconcile after 5 years or so.
Hi AG, Yes, Ashtanga is moving from one pose to the next, with breathing co-ordinated with the movements and poses. It is a hard work-out and also relaxing if done right. We always end with 10 min of savasina/meditation. I feel like a completely different person walking out than when I walked in.
Originally Posted By: AG II
Please correct me if I am wrong - I think I read that OM is married. If so, it could be that she won't be ready to jump the current ship until the new one is ready.
I am pretty sure she picked him out BECAUSE he was married. She doesn't seem to be able to be truely intimate with anyone, so this was a safe pick...married man 1200 miles from home, no chance of ever really having to share her whole self with him. She is scared of being a boring housewife, but also scared to being free, just scared to live a real life.
Originally Posted By: AG II
I think I read in one of your posts that you were considering setting up a trust for the kids education in their name. Did you ever do that? I would also consider listing them as beneficiaries to any life insurance with a non-W person being responsible for the funds. I think that is a good idea to plan ahead financially.
I still have to take care of this. I have been spending minimal time at work due to my training schedule, so bailing out for the L appts. has not been a real option. This (will/trust/life ins.) is definitely next on the list.
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On a completely different note - have you ever considered that with time if W decides to give up OM and give the M another shot, you may be amenable. You seem to have detached and you did have a M that worked at one time. I have seen couples that sometimes go through a bumpy patch with seperation, affairs and maybe even D - and then with time are able to get past things and reconcile after 5 years or so.
AG, I really don't want to be with her. It has nothing to do with OM, I just don't think either of us will be happy in the long haul. The only reason our M ever "worked" is that I gave up EVERYTHING that was me and let her control all situations, finances, etc. I don't ever, ever want to be that person again.
I guess if she turned into a completely different person, maybe we could try, but this is not very likely. Anyway, after a D, she can always give me a call and try to win me back!
SD
ps - 4 days and counting to the big race...yeah!
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Found your thread . Looks like more of the same Huh?? I think you have one of the more difficult sitch's that I have seen. A WAS that wont walk . I dont have a lot of time right now but will post some thoughts later.
Spent the rest of the day at the beach with the kids.
