Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hopefulll: Kicked her out while she was in Hawaii

Weird. The internet ate my post. ?

I don't know if it's a result of my darkening and being out of the house, or whether she just needed time. In any case, it sounds like she's really moving out. She just emailed me and asked for a check for $500 (I'm the only one with checks) with no "pay to the order of" name. Sounds like a deposit on an apartment to me. Needs it RIGHT after work.

I left a cheery voicemail saying i didn't have a checkbook on me but we could figure something out. It got me a glib email full of imperative sentences. "I need it today. You need to go home. Go write a check and leave it for me."

I know this is what I asked for, and I know this is what all the great DB.com advice said to do, but jeez! I feel SO SAD and SO SCARED that she actually wants to move out. I've been DBing pretty soundly and the result is MORE distance between us, not less. Any good words from people would feel pretty good right now. Thanks go to Phoenix2 in my Newcomer thread.

I saw someone recommend 'Getting Back Together,' but I wasn't really persuaded by the reviews. Anyone know good books to read while separated? Or anyone read that one and think it was great?

Well, she did indeed find a place. It's in our neighborhood. I asked when she moves in there. She's still painting and waiting for her dad to deliver a bed. (So I guess she finally told her family about our situation.) We enjoyed take-out last night. A little bit of friendly conversation. She even let me touch her in a "weird, my underwear left a funny mark in my skin. Feel!" context. </too much info>

It confused me, but I touched, laughed, and then left the room first. I'm doing a great job of detaching, I think. I'm friendly, loving, and self-confident. And I'm also out of the room a lot. Still in separate rooms until she leaves.

Today, she sent me a message about a concert that we both want to go to. She says it's limited to 2 tickets per customer so I need to sign up and get my own. She's figuring on asking a friend to take her second ticket. She said I should find someone to go with. It felt like a deliberate burn. I just said "hmm" and left it at that.

Anyone have any insight on what's in her head right now?

No, but you don't need it. I'm not sure you'd be any closer to the truth if you really could look into her head.

I say you don't need it because she's the one that has to initiate whatever comes next. All you can do is control what you do. You're doing a great job of being consistent and staying detached. She's at the very least getting more comfortable with you and more friendly. Just keep doing what you're doing, plus consider doing things for yourself if you aren't already doing so. The more fulfilling you keep your life, the less time you have to spend on worrying about what's going through her head. Just stay open to her invitations to do things, if she does initiate that kind of thing.

As for the concert: Consider it without her in mind. Would you buy a ticket to go alone or with someone else? If not, then don't bother. Thank her for the heads up and tell her you have other plans that night (and then make plans).

I agree. As for her parents knowing, she may have just said you were having problems and wanted to have some "space" for a while. My H told my in-laws that we were just having problems and didn't bother to mention that 1) he wasn't going to do anything about the problems and that 2) the problem was in the shape of an OW.
Definetly focus on you because dwelling on thoughts about her or trying to figure her out won't help right now. She is like a chameleon(sp?) right now and will change to what suits her for the moment.
kat

Hello all,
Here's an update.

I've been GAL-ing. Birthdays with family, meeting with artists, hosting a party downtown last night. I was home Thursday and she and I watched Lost together. Still in separate rooms at night. Still waiting on her to move to the apartment.

Last night, I got home from the party at about midnight. She was still up. At 1:00 am she woke me up and said "you can move to the bed." She was dressed up kinda nice. I honestly didn't give a sh*t where she was going, I was so sleepy. She seemed kinda mad. I'm assuming (ASSuming, I know) that OM did another midnight pick-up like once before. She packed certain things that tell me she's going to be gone two nights. I really hate being the roommate during the week, and then she leaves to "have fun" on the weekend.

It's demeaning.

But I can't physically throw her out, and I can't keep the ineffective broken record: "Move out. So when are you leaving? When? When? Why aren't you in your apartment yet?" That's pretty much why I try to stay out of the house.

Today I got an email from her grandmother, whom I love. She said, "How are you? I hope you're OK. Call us if you need to talk."

I am torn. I would like to, sort of, but I'm not sure what my motivation for doing so would be. Talking to people who love me feels good, but I know that in my mind I'd be hoping that they somehow smack some sense into her next time she sees them. And I know that would look like pursuing, even if I weren't. I doubt she's told them the truth about the affair. I also know that when she was in Hawaii, we talked and she FREAKED OUT when I said I was going to tell her family.

On the other hand, I'd like to blow yet another layer of cover off of the secret affair. Let it wither in the light of day. Except then W would probably resent me more, and for longer. Maybe best to avoid.

On yet another hand, though, I don't want to just ignore her. I know she's asking because she (and grampa) really love me. They care.

I don't know. Advice?

Today I feel really down. Really. I mean, I know how strong I've become in two short months. It blows my mind. But today... I. Am. Tired. of. this. I cried a bit. I haven't cried about any of this in a month. It came so suddenly and so unexpectedly. like someone flipped a switch inside me.

How about an email back that says,

"I'm hanging in there. Thank you so much for offering your ear and support. I love and appreciate you tremendously!!!"

You can acknowledge their support while choosing to keep private matters private.

On detaching...perhaps you can try just being indifferent to W...whether she comes, goes, moves to planet Xenon where she'd probably be happier with the rest of the aliens. I'm imagining she enjoys (somewhat) the sense of power that comes with you asking her when she's going to leave. It's another form of pursuit, and it doesn't give her the opportunity to say, "Holy cr@p! H doesn't care anymore!"

Just thoughts. Good luck to you!

SD

I suppose that would be best. I am going to wait a day or two before I respond, though. I keep starting an email nicely, and then end up going into "...I'm hanging in there even though she'd rather be with another man."

I feel awful today. I forced myself to watch a movie, play some games, and even take two busses way out of my way to get some groceries in another neighborhood, just to keep myself occupied. But I keep coming back to feeling sad.

Hopefull,

Just read all of your sitch. I'm not sure why your wife is getting to call all of the shots here, while you haven't done anything wrong.

While she is away on her little 2-day rendezvous, I suggest that you take back your marital bed, for starters, and do not EVER leave it again. SHE can sleep on the air mattress in the other room! I made the same mistake (sleeping on the couch), and upon EVERYONE's advice, I took back the marital bed one night. She said "What are you doing???" I said "I'm sleeping in my own bed." "But I can't sleep with you right now," she said, angrily. "Then go sleep somewhere else," I said, matter-of-factly. Then I added "G'nite!" and I rolled over and went to sleep.

She got up, went to our daughter's old bedroom, and slept on the floor, where she remained through the rest of her two-month affair.

I also suggest you expose her affair to both families. They should know the truth, and see if they can bring any positive pressure to bear. Meanwhile, keep up all your GAL stuff -- you're doing great at all that! You just need to stop pursuing her, stop letting her dictate the agenda and the timeline for the end of your marriage, and take back the power.

I think your wife likely has serial infidelity and other issues. You may have to just let her go, and work at your own happiness, and see if she can get it together and maybe someday you can be together again. She sounds NOWHERE near ready to be married, in my opinion.

Puppy

Agree with Puppy,

Take back your bed.

I also agree, take back your bed. Let her sleep on the floor.

Also, tell her Mom, Dad, Grandparents, siblings, friends, if this OM works with her tell the human resourses department . . . expose this affair to everyone. Don't mince words tell them that your wife is having an affiar with "OM's NAME HERE". Tell them that you love your wife and you would appreciate any help they can give you to help getting her to end the affair. Also if this dude is married tell his wife. Tell his parents if you can find them. Most people don't think it is o.k. to be having sex with someone else's wife.

She will be mad, she will scream and rail . . . but she is already shagging some other dude and spending the night at his house . . . how much worse could it really get? Your marriage can survive her anger . . . it cannot survive if she doesn't end this affiar.