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I feel so sick inside. I can get myself to the place i need to be most of the day but the at night I dream about her. this time it was about him and Her. How do I DB in my sleep. waking up at 3am kills me and I feel so weak. I was on her side about needing space and her needing time to grow and what not and now this really sets me back. I am trying to just put her out of my head and move on with my life. I am afraid that if I do there will not be room in here for her later, but I can't let that stop me from moving on.

I have been trying to go dark on her. i have not spoken to her in two weeks, or emailed in 1 week. she is dark on me, she treats me as if I don't exist. if we both stay dark then won't we just heal in our own ways and move on. or she will come crashing down an expect me to pick up the pieces. I have had the suggestion from several close friends that I not call or email, but every week write her a letter, touching the friends side. just what i have been up to and inquiring about the good in her life. I want to do this because it is the only way I have to try and be her friend. What do people think about that???

I have a money question as well. our live has been setup so that my job covers all the bills with little left over and her job is all the fun money. she is looking for a job in her new city but is yet to be employed. I have been paying for everything. I gave her what i could to start, then expect her to pay her way. I want to separate our cell phones so i don't have to pay for her to talk to OM. can I say I am not going to pay for you to talk to him, or just separate it without a reason. she does not know that I know. she has money but still used my account to pay for her online game that has sucked the life out of her, and sometime uses it for gas as well I also pay car payment and insurance.

Where is the line between supporting her because she is my spouse and cutting her off because she wants to be alone. and do i do it gradually. The car payment and insurance don’t really bother me because she won’t be able to pay that in school and its my way of contributing to school. I know she is depressed and her decisions are effected by that, so its hard for me to cut off someone i think needs help.

God only gives us as much as we can handle, so I must be pretty strong because he keeps laying it on. I am ready to follow his path and the only thing I can do is put on foot in front of the other and press on, I just pray that some of this hurt subsides and I can come through this at least with my friendship in tact even if she does not love me.

It's obvious how much hope and planning you've put into a future together. Your instincts are correct though, paying for her party won't help either of you.

She can't feel independent if you are paying her way and you won't respect yourself if she's walking all over you and crossing the line with OM. This changes the "deal" you had when you agreed to financially support a confused, space-seeking wife trying to further her education. I honestly can't see how this can help you achieve the goal of creating a happy and healthy relationship.

She may very well be depressed -- OM is usually just a bandaid to cover up something she thinks is missing. She may very well need help, but keeping her financially dependent upon you, when she is on the verge of losing you, isn't really going to help her.

There is more to life than putting one foot in front of the other, JWS, and you said you have too much "down time". What kind of puppy do you have? What kinds of things do you like to do for fun outside work?

Is your C helping you figure out changes you can make for yourself that may have contributed to the problems that led up to her leaving in the past?

I'm sorry you had such a rough night. They can be brutal; the kind of pain you're in is unforgettable. For now, surround yourself with people who love you... and your puppy... and let them comfort you until you get to the point that you can learn from it.

Wow the question of what I like to do outside of work is much harder then it should be. because we have been best friends for ever all my activities center around hanging out together. After our problems a year ago I stoped doing things for myself, I either work or hang out with her. I now relize that we handled our problems from the past very poorly. things like that you learn as you go and I did not know any of this then.

My puppy is a weimaraner. he is a handful of energy and keeps me very busy. I also have a classic car that I am restoring. My down time seaks up on me because I have a very unpredictable schedule at work. I can never plan anything around it except for the weekends. I usaly keep pretty busy though, I was really refering to her poping in my head on the drive home or the shower, just the little times.

Hi, I'm Sandi and I was almost a WAW. So, I hope that I can say something that might help in some small way.......or better yet, a big way!

It amazes me that you two have made it together since 15 years old! Did you or she ever date anyone else? The reason I ask is that I have known a couple that did that. That never dated anyone but each other....got married very young....had two children....went through a lot of hardships, but stayed close...and then suddenly they divorced.

Since I'm older than you allow me to try to use my years of observation about other people. I have seen cases where the younger the couples are when they marry....and especially if they were dating only each other for a long time before they married.....then they would have trouble down the road. The main reason for this is b/c they were just so young when they M and that is okay for a few years, but then they start to grow up and they realize they are growing differently.....changing from the way they were as teenagers. They start to realize that they missed a lot while they were teens and kind of resent that they M so young. The become dissatisfied in their MR and start looking for OP. Before you know it, an A has happened.

I'm not saying that this is what happened in your stitch, I'm just saying that it has happened a lot with couples that marry so young. Did your W go to college after high school or did she stay home while you went? I take it that there is no children since you did not mention any.

This probably doesn't help your feelings, but the truth is that when young people get married, they will go through so many changes down life's road and it is hard learning to grow and grow together and not grow apart. The longer you live with that person, there will be changes taking place. Even if you weren't all that young when you M, it would happen. I just think she probably realizes that she missed out on the "fun single life" that seems to be glamorized in society today.

I noticed you have mentioned God several times. You first admitted you went to Church even though it wasn't a special occasion. Yes, it was. You were in trouble and needed His help. You though He would come through with a solution ASAP b/c He was impressed when you showed up in His house and it wasn't even a holiday!



So, now you are blaming God b/c He hasn't done what you wanted Him to do, which was jump when you said frog.

However, in your last post you said this:



Don't blame God for what your W has done, sweetie. This may be a time of testing for you......it would be for anyone whether they were a Christian or not.......but if you are a Believer, it certainly is the time to get your life on the right path with God and leave things up to Him to work out for you and your W. I would advise you not to put the blame of things going wrong on Him b/c we are usually in our stitch due to our own decisions and God didn't have anything to do with those decisions at that time. However, if you will let Him, he can have something to do with your decisions now. I would suggest that you talk to your Pastor or Church Counselor to get spiritual guidance in this. I don't want you to be bitter against God. We humans often wait until we are in trouble before we turn to Him and then expect Him to come through with a miracle, but He doesn't follow our orders.......we have to follow His.

Now, to change the subject......about the money.....I would get a lawyer's advice or somebody that knows what to do about all of that. I for one am not in favor of the H supporting a WAW to have an A with his financial support. If she was using the money to go to law school, etc. and trying to do her share of work, like she is suppose to.....then if you help with that, it seems only right. But if she is calling herself S from you and she is seeing OM......I would not support her. That is just MHO.

Have you received the DB book yet? When you do, read it over and over b/c it is the best technique you will find. It does not always save a M, but it will come closer than anything else you will find. It is your toolbox.....not hers. You can't control her or fix her. You can't make her read books, watch videos, or go to M counseling. You can only work on yourself and improve every thing about yourself. Take a good long look in the mirror to see what is looking back at you. Then take a good long look at the inside of yourself. What have you become?

Okay, enough for now. I will check back. Keep posting. You can go to other people's threads and reply and the more you post the more responses you will get.

Take care,

Sandi

Hmmm. Guess it'd be a bit of a challenge to find other activities to distract you in the shower or on your ride home. Heh.

We got married around the same age you did. We handled things pretty poorly also, in retrospect. Maybe if either of us had ever even picked up a book on relationships or looked for a website for help back then we could've saved ourselves from a lot of dead ends and heart ache later on for us and our kids.

Anyhow, just stopping by to say I hope you sleep better tonight and if it starts to become a problem there are all kinds of people on the boards who have suggestions to help you out-- none of us could sleep when we started going through this.

You sound a lot better tonight. Your puppy sounds adorable.

Sandi,

Thank you for your support, I agree entirely with you about being married young, and no we have never dated other people. This is why it is easy for me to understand her need to find herself. I know that can be an excuse sometimes but in our situation I know she truly does.

We went to College together and did very well, how ever in the last three years she has followed me around the country to three different states. we have not lived in glamour spots that have allowed her the opportunity to find something for her self. but she has supportively watch my career continue to grow. this has been extremely hard. I should mention that I am in the military and go where I am told and it kills me that this has robed her of who she could be. I am extremely supportive of law school for this reason, and I do want only what is best for her.

What I miss so much is the Friendship. I can completely understand if our marriage can not survive, but i need the friendship to in the long run. How many people become who they thought they would be at 15.

The thing is she has turned her back on her entire life. She won't talk to me, her best friends are frustrated that she won't talk to them, she is mad at her folks and does not talk to the rest of the family either. she has completely shutdown to anyone who was in her life. I need to be fair and say that the OM number was only in there a few times and short calls. I am very sorry for implying that she was having an affair, i have nothing to support that. it just hurts that when she won't reach out to anyone else she tries to with him.

I can let her go to be the wonderful person she is capable of. its just sad to lose such a special person from my life. I think with time and space we can still make it. I think i let one bad night get me down.

Trust me I don't blame God at all. I know how special his love is. I know he does everything for a reason. He brought us together for a reason and he tests us apart now for a reason. its not my job to know what that reason is just to Learn and grow with it.

I wish to be partners with my wife someday but I pray to keep this person as my lifelong friend.

Deuxlie
Thanks for your support as well. I can’t control my dreams so its hard to not have negative thinking or really miss her while I am asleep.
By the way the puppy is amazing but a handful. This week he has a friend as I am Dog sitting, so twice the fun.

You sound a lot better today. It sounds at though you would miss her as a friend more than as your wife. I do understand the unfairness of the military lifestyle and it would be most difficult for her to have a career in law and the two of you live together. However, MR calls for sacrifices on both sides and so somebody has to give and somebody has to take and they both have to meet half way. As long as you are in the militry....you will do what Uncle Sam tells you to do, so that settles your part. She will have to decide what she is going to do.

As far as her cutting herself off from family, friends, you....it almost sound like she is more of a run-away teenager that is running from home instead of a grown woman. Her parents made their stand very obvious and perhaps some of her friends are not taking her side as she expected them to do. So, she is rebelling. She may live on the "wild side" for a while trying to recapture whatever it is she feels she lost back in her younger years.

You sound like a great guy and are seeing her side of things. I know you are in pain and I hate to see this happen. Your hands are tied about a lot of things, but you still can make decisions regarding the financial support, etc.

I wish you God's blessings.

Sandi

Well don't get me wrong I want her as a wife but I could understand if that is not possible, but I could not imagine a world where she is not my friend. Military life is hard but we do our best. I will finally be in the same place for 4 years now but they will be very busy not family friendly years so this is the perfect time for her to go to Law school. after that she can be a Lawyer anywhere.

In a lot of ways she is acting like a teenager. she has played this online game for a while now, but the month and a half before she left she got sucked into it. she would play 10- 12 hours a day plus go to work. That meant she would never go to bed at the same time as me. she neglected everything around the house and would only eat if i made dinner and handed it to her. she told me that she was hiding from a life that she did not like, but at hers parents that’s all she did too. Now at her friends house it is pretty much more of the same.

she talks to these people on there all the time. this causes issues with me because when she did have the thing with OM it was all through myspace. I am not sure if she is lost in this or just filling time until school starts, probably both.

I am scared that going dark will make her think I don't care, but its clear she does not want to talk to me because she does not respond to very simple non M questions, and I don't want to push any thing. she has been gone for 3.5 weeks so its early but she has not said a word to me in 2.

well only time can help these things and every day is another day closer to something. I am off to go to a baseball game. By the way I had a wonderful day today. Thanks so much for your support.

The on line games was my downfall. That is what sucked me into further things that hurt my M. It is addictive to the point that people will break up their M to be alone in order to have the privacy and freedom to do what that choose on line.

Four years apart is a long time in a MR. But, if she would just get into school and get busy, it would be good for her right now. However, I am very, very concerned that her attention is far from being in school at the moment. I think she is in replay and wants to experience being a "wild teenager" without any responsibilities or consequences. If she is totally ignoring any contact with you......I think I would not feel duty bound to support her. I believe I would go dark and let her make the next contact and see how it goes.

This is a sad situation and I hope for the best, but I'm afraid you are in for a bad time of it b/c I think she will try to wreak her life unless something gets her eyes open real quickly. However, that can happen.....after all, I would have ruined my own life if I had not come here to this board.

Take care of yourself and try to keep a life for yourself. I pray that things will work out for you.

Sandi

Its very hard for me let go when I see an amazing person who needs help. this would be an entirely different story if she was connected to the rest of her life. if she spoke with all her friends and family and just said "I can't stand that man and its over" that’s one thing, but the way that she has buried her self in the sand, tells me its little to do with me and makes me want to help her.

I guess the best help i can give her is to let her figure it out on her own, to include falling if that’s what it takes, and being here continuing my life and being there for her when she is ready.

the ball game last night was fun even though the local team got killed. it was good to hang out with friends, then an old buddy came over and we talked for hours, next weekend is a guys weekend with 5 of my college buddies, so that should be great.