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Hey Stella,

Here's a re-post of the long post I posted and then deleted rom your last thread. Sorry it's so long, and if there are variations compared to the original- had to re-write it!

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So, what did you decide in the end?


Great news! H called! That's a baby step- H wanted to speak to you. Hurray!!!


Wow! This sounds fantastic! Not only did you and H have a normal conversation about D17 (how was this, by the way?), but H is going to IC?! That sounds like a bit of a baby leap to me, especially if it's something he's been unwilling to do in the past. He must be realising that there's something going on with him that needs to be sorted out. Fantastic!


This sounds pretty serious. H must be pretty unhappy if he's trying so hard to self-medicate with alcohol and drinking himself into a stupor. This doesn't sound to me like the actions of someone who's really happy with their new life and totally committed to it. It sounds like someone who's desperately unhappy and doesn't know how to deal with it. IC sounds like a good idea!


Ummmmmmm.....this also sounds brilliant to me! Not only were you caring, loving and supportive (perfect DB, and the wonderful support of a loving wife), but H took you up on the offer. he said you could help him. Wow! He didn't need to say that you could help him; presumably if he was happy with OW, she could help. But he's turning to you and wanting your support. How good is that?!


I wonder if it was the 'need to talk' comment that H made that precipitated the 'backslide'. I have to say, I don't think it was a particular backslide as things turned out OK. But maybe there was no need to ask what was happening again. Having said that, it got you this!


He's confused.....


Hmmmm......OK. This was probably not the best thing to say, but I don't think it was a disaster AT ALL. But I probably wouldn't say it again. He's scared and confused, and he seems to want (need?) your support


This is FANTASTIC! I think if what he wanted to do was to leave you and be with OW, it wouldn't be so hard for him to do it. After all, he's already moved away once. He dropped the bomb on you. if he wanted to be with OW, it would be relatively easy- he could drop the bomb again, and they would go off together. BUT, what he wants to do is hard. OMG, yes, it is! Not only does he have to ask you if you would be willing to ever consider taking him back, after what he's done and his poor treatment of you, but he has to admit that when he was hurting you and causing you (the woman he loves) all this pain, he was WRONG! He made a big mistake, and he's realising it, and it's hurting him so much that he's drinking himself into a stupor. Wow! That is not just a little difficult, it's got to be one of the hardest things to have to face. Hats off to your H for being willing to consider it. (I sometimes think that it must be so difficult for the WAS to face this. How much easier to just walk away rather than face your demons and fix things?)


He wants to see you face-to-face! Great! If he was wanting to have a 'bomb' talk, wouldn't it be easier to do it over the phone? Then he could just put the phone down and forget it. Wanting to see you face-to-face is GREAT, IMHO!!


Don't ASS-U-ME this, or imagine the worse. Any C worth their salt is not going to be thinking 'Oh yes, here's a man who's miles away from his W and changed his whole life and is so happy about it that he's drinking himself silly on a regular basis'. They'll easily be able to see that the cause isn't you, but is within him. After all, if he was happy in his new life, the drinking thing wouldn't be happening, because he wouldn't need it. The C will have to find the source of H's pain (which can't be you as you're so far away and have little contact- unless it's that he wants to see you more of you!). It's more likely to be his new life. In which case, unethical to recommend that he continues with it, right?


OK, 2x4 coming. Stella. Stellitsa mou. You are NOT stupid. You are a caring, loving, supportive and intelligent woman. You have been here and supported your H since this whole thing started. You are a wonderful mother with an intelligent and confident daughter. You did that! You give such great advice here on the threads, and you are AMAZING! I NEVER want to hear you call yourself stupid again. Either here, or in your head. Ever. Because you AREN'T. You are wonderful. H knows it, your D knows it, and all your friends here and in the RW know it. ((((Stella))))


Brilliant! So you were strong, centred and calm. Not much pf a backslide at all then!


Of course you don't. But you aren't going to lose him. You're going to get him back. He's on the road now, and there might be a few bends yet, but he's taken the first steps. PMA Stella, PMA. I have lots on your behalf!


Yes, no expectations. No expecting him to drop a bomb. No expecting that an R talk might happen. No expectations at all. Just a nice trip to see your H, and see what happens, because whatever does happen you're going to be just fine!

(((((Stella))))))

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L.xx

Do you have a back-up outfit???

I agree with sg's point - H may not even remember the deadline.

Stella

I heard that those wrap dresses make a woman look slimmer. Pair it up with a pair of pointy heels and you'll look smokin.

Relax, breathe and PMA. You'll be fine.

(((HUGS)))

Jen

I think you are going to be fine. In the next couple of days just continue to concentrate on yourself - do things that make you feel good about you. It is important to look good when you meet. Maybe a 180 for you would be to drop a line like "Gee do we have to talk about this R stuff, I dont want any pressure I just want to have fun" (???) Might be a bit of a 180 and take the pressure off H. You could act as if you are so over the whole drama of the R and would rather do something happy and light instead of a big deep and meaningful talk? Suggest doing something instead of just talking, and then subtly keep changing the subject if it starts to touch on R. Focus on you being a safe place for H to be around.

You will be great! And its good to remember that you didnt cause this and there is not much you can do to fix it, it has to come from within him.

Sgctxok, thank you for stopping by!

I'm sure he didn't forget, if only because of D's graduation. She still doesn't have a clue! I wanted to let her finish her IB exams and then tell her (of course I was hoping I won't need to).


Oh, I love that! I always get carried away emotionally and say things I regret later. A little time to calm down and think would really help.

Lisa, I'm an idiot (You can 2x4 me if you want but I really am)! I didn't realize you deleted your post and made you rewrite the whole thing I'm so sorry! But now that you did, I'm happy to have it back :). Thanks!

Addie, I'm working on it (the back up outfit)

Thanks for the suggestion, Jen, I'm going to check out wrap-dresses online

((((Everybody))))

Essie, sorry, I didn't see your post!


WOW! Now THAT would definitely be a 180 for me. Makes me smile already . Thanks!

Get a pair of those 'magic knickers' that make you look as though you've lost weight!!!

ooops sorry. An empire waist dress is probably more slimming...

Why it's slimming:
The empire waist starts to flare under the bust, which camouflages a bulging tummy area and a wide rear and hips.

Empire waists also elongate the torso area, resulting in a slimming effect.

The wide hemline has a slimming effect on ankles and calves.

Here's the link... http://makeovers.ivillage.com/beauty-editor-picks/0,,9kkt71ks,00.html

I checked out the site Jen linked. I like the idea of the "flirty halter" (although I don't particularly like the one shown). Stella you were on the right track with your original outfit.

Happy Mother's Day Stella!!!

Stella I hope you have a great day today! Have anything planned with your daughter?

Jen