I was very afraid that a forum like this would encourage me to tolerate a situation that to me isn't acceptable
? I couldnt even read any more of your post beyond this!
These forums are not designed to encourage tolerance.. they are supposed to be support for change. And even if everyone here told you to stick it out and you knew you couldnt then that is entirely up to you. You do have free will. Growth from within is the only thing I see seperating you from reality.It seems you are LOST. and staying married for $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ that IMO is far worse than trying to " tolerate " your mate. God bless you.....
Hey, that's fine, I deserve all you can dish out for staying as long as I did and trying to work it out. That's what I did wrong! I should have figured out years ago that if your SO doesn't want you when they are young, healthy, and at their sexual peak; it's not going to improve as they age. I was very much 'old school' and I truly believed we would reach some kind of a compromise. I always thought we would be married till the death do us part.
We've had a great run, worked hard, played hard, and we still like each other. I've cried my million tears about this already. I read the books, GAL, and i've done all I could do. He even read the SSM book and agreed with it. All except for the just do it!
Is the open marriage unfair? Sure. But so was the 30 odd years of marriage without an intimate relationship. 2 wrongs don't make a right either but why marry in the first place if you don't want a sexual relationship? That seems dishonest to me. In retrospect, I've done without enough. It's time for me to enjoy my life and do what I want for once. And H is totally free to do the same. If that means we have to face the financial consequences of a divorce, fine. If not, that's fine too. But unless you are really rich or really poor, ending a 30+ year marriage has financial ramifications that have to be considered. It may not be romantic, but it is real life.
I see this as the next chapter of GAL. GASL! And I won't bring a 3rd person into our lives. I have no intention of exploiting H or using the other individual either. I was honest with H and I will be honest with my sex partner too. Who knows, maybe I will never find anyone I want to have sex with. But that's OK too. I am taking back control and I won't be a victim any longer.
Strange, he immediately said he wasn't interested. Even when I explained it certainly went both ways. He would have every bit as much freedom as me. But he was pretty much emotionless about it. Didn't act like he really cared all that much. And as I said earlier, it's not like I'm talking about giving away something he wants.
Have you made it real for him? ie, "I am going cruising at the bar tonight and I will be home around lunch tomorrow." It may feel like something he doesn't want but I am trying to picture the reaction from any man when his wife tells him she is heading out to get sex from someone else.
For what its worth, I think the other posters have been rather too hard on you - I think if I had not had sex with my spouse for 10 years I would be feeling hurt and pained as well.
But - and this is what the other posters are trying to get across to you - its not just hurt you feel, is it? You feel cheated and bitter and resentful too - at all those wasted years. I can understand that feeling as well, but believe me, it will get you nowhere that is truly happy or fulfilled, either in this relationship or with any other man.
You are the one that has stayed in this sex starved marriage for so many years; you are the one that has given this man chance after chance after chance to fulfil you - why? You are obviously a strong, capable and hard-working woman. Your current situation is entirely a product of your choices. You need to be fundamentally honest with why you made the same choice year after year after year - only you really know that. It's not about judging yourself, or kicking yourself, its about recognising and accepting and making peace with that part of yourself that has obviously held - that's not too strong a word is it? - held you in this marriage for so long.
Please start that healing process now, before anything else. Otherwise, your resentment will drive all kinds of bad choices.
You can then start calmly discussing with your husband a separation and the vexed issue of your joint finances.
Think about it.
Strong&Alive
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
From my perspective you have made some terrible choices in the past. Staying in a marriage where sex was a strong need of yours and you husband denied that need was indeed a terrible choice. I do not blame you for wanting to end this marriage.
But look, do the ethincal thing. Divorce him and then find a man to play with. Do not use your husband for financial support while you ho around. Take the financial hit and reclaim your life. You've lived a marriage of convenience for far to long. End it if your husband refuses to meet your need for sex. Sex is a part of marriage and he shouldn't have ever married you if he couldn't be bothered to provide you what you need.
