Farmgirl, I would let the therapist use the stick, and you use the carrot. If your H is truly making progress, as you say, you don't want to slow down his momentum, and discourage him. You don't know what his potential is.
It sounds like you need a more objective IC, or one who is willing to try.
You don't want to act-out your ambivalence in a R you're trying to heal. Ambivalence is not a relational issue, but yours to work-thru in IC and through other expressive means--writing, art.
The fact you're in MC already sends the message to your H, that you have serious concerns.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thank you, both of you, for your thoughtful replies. I hold both pieces of advice in my heart as I carefully, lovingly move forward.
One thing I have learned from this whole process is not to just react to the situation or something my H says or does.
I have done the DB thing, and it has gotten me this far, but to go the distance in our M, it is time for me to be able to speak the truth, with kindness and compassion. At least I have realized that my truth will not be heard if I say it with anger...
I am working on patience--the patience to wait for the truth to be revealed (the Quakers say, "The truth is continually revealed.")
MC was helpful yesterday. With the therapist's help, I was able to ask my H for a couple of specific behaviors (care and feeding of your woman...)while we are on this upcoming trip. H actually seemed relieved to know what he could do to help me enjoy our time together! So that is another good sign...
So, I remind myself: Patience, compassion, truth with kindness.
CL, thank you for the advice that ambivalence is not a relational issue. I am trying to take a stand or make a decision only when I feel the calm resolve that lets me know that I am clear about my position.
