Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Cake eating or progress?

yeah- I agree.

I guess I am "lucky" it wasn't all that he thought it would be. And I am glad I have survived finding it he has sullied our fidelity. jerk. Ok, I may not have had a breakdown like I imagined I would, but as time passes, I am getting more and more agitated.

He does want us to feel more "connected". My kingdom for the answer to that problem.

from what I've read from others, you should probably expect the feelings of anger at his betrayal of you to grow.
you'll have to deal with it one way or another, eventually. Either by you somehow truely letting go of it... or at some point, having him apologize to you, and deciding to accept it.

as far as the 'connection' goes... i think you have it pretty easy. just keep doing what you were doing, but do it more often.

YUP!!

My emotions are hopping all over today.
The "stable" part of me says "nothing's changed- you just have information about the past. Move forward, you're making progress. Have fun."

The more emotional part is saying "OMG! I'm "winning him over"?! Why do I want to win HIM over? I think it's time for him to win ME over! Man-slut for sleeping with 20-something year old whores."

I gotta pull myself together, he's on his way over here so we can go out to dinner and movie. I am crying right now (have been on and off all day) and I feel really angry.


Unfortunately, I know that he is NOT in a place to be "winning ME over". He is still tentatively moving towards me and any sudden moves on my part could send him dashing towards the courthouse.

Trixi, it sounds like you have wanted him back, since last summer. Now you have a chance at that, and you are starting to freak because of something he did while separated.

He told you that he prefers you to the '20-something whores'. There is a reason for that, in a strange and perverse way. He wants you to know he thinks you are attractive, and more than superficially.

It sounds like he is choosing you, or at least showing signs of it.

As the saying goes, throw your heart over the fence, the rest will follow.

Just my 2 cents, I really don't know much!

Thanks MM. Yes, I recognize that he was giving me a compliment (in his weird way). When he was beating it into the ground, I said "look, I get it, You slept with young beautiful women; you don't need to beat me over the head with it" and he said "you're not getting the point- they didn't have anything that I wanted. You're better than they are." So, while I understand that he was giving me information about his 'revelation', it still hurts that our 13 years of exclusivity is now been broken. Oh well.

So, I pulled myself together yesterday. He was very oogly googly; I drove and he kissed my hand a lot, held it while I drove, etc. These last few times "together" (ahem) there has been a lot more loving touches. I think he must feel better now that he has told me he has been with other people (and I am still here) and that we have discussed that we are dating exclusively. And this time, WE are dating exclusively all the way around- not just sexually exclusive. (The first time he proposed we date after he left, he said we could be exclusive sexually and go out with other people platonically. ugh)

I am just letting him lead the way and I will go ahead and risk my heart; I really do still love him A LOT.

journaling:
first the background- I am VERY shy about nakedness. I don't mind if my H is naked (at all ), but otherwise, I prefer that people be pretty covered up. Regarding my own body, I am VERY shy- embarrassed by the stretch marks and cellulite. Even when I was skinny and had no stretch marks, though, I was not one that was comfortable being undressed.

I knew it bothered my H that I am so shy, but I also knew that he had 'fantasies' of being with a hot bodied woman, so that sort of added to my insecurities. I felt like I couldn't measure up.

Recently (even prior to the news about the girls) I have been working on being less inhibited. And since the news about the girls, I have actually taken it to the next level. I may not have a perfect body (or even close to it) but it's the only one I have and I know how to use it. To my H's credit, he has been being very verbally and nonverbally complimentary of my body lately and that has boosted my confidence.

After my last post, I went to take a shower. After I was done, he came in the bathroom while I was doing my hair, wearing a towel. The room is VERY bright (huge skylight) and the "old me" would have made him leave the room when he tried to take my towel. (bright light is not very great on the back of the legs-ugh) Anyway, I let him take the towel and he dried some spots I missed. yadda yadda yadda...3rd time in 14 hours that we ML. 2nd time in 4 hours.

I am proud that in the worst possible light, I didn't hide myself- even though there was a part of me that was VERY scared- and I let him look at me. And much to my (happy) surprise, he initiated ML, even though we had just done it 4 hours earlier.

I know it probably sounds silly to most everyone else, but for me, this was huge. I felt very vulnerable. And he accepted/wanted me even in the clear light of day (literally). WOW!

Trixi, that is awesome that you are trying to work on this. I love the sight of my W naked, and she too has worked on getting more comfortable with it over the years. She is now totally fine with it.

I don't know anything about how your husband thinks, but let me give you my male perspective.

Sure, the sight of a hot, tight, hardbodied female is attractive. And it might be fun to take one out for a test drive.

But I tell my W all the time - even today when we are in this drama - those stretch marks and sagging boobs were caused by love. The love of two people making beautiful children. Stretch marks? I can't get enough of them. They signify character and love. It was a sacrifice my W made to bring our kids into the world.

Funny story:
My W and I never close the door when we pee. So I was at her place the other day, and the bathroom is right beside where I was standing. She sat down to do her thing and shut the door. It jumped out at me like a beacon! I said "hey what are you doing, you don't shut the door!" She said "well in our situation it doesn't seem right". I pushed the door open, she looked up at me and said "well, I guess why change now, eh?"

The door stays open now.

Boundaries!!

I know, probably too much information. But I thought it was cute.

I love this! What a nice sentiment.

What if the kid isn't technically his? I mean, he loves my DD and he adopted her, but he wasn't there when I was pregnant and breast feeding.

Heaven forbid you ever have to actually answer this question, but how would you feel about the stretch marks that didn't belong to the mother of your children?

Huh - that is an excellent question, Trixi! However, knowing myself and my value system the way I do, I would still not have a problem with them. I still find all that stuff pretty sexy. Being that Mrs MM is the mother of my children just takes it up a notch or ten.

Trixi, I wouldn't worry about the marks because you had them when he first fell in love with you, right? They were a part of the "you" that he married and loved, they are a part of you now.

I'm the opposite of you and the nakedness thing, yet I now find myself to be more concerned about my body than ever and it's looking better than when we even met ten years ago. Yet in my heart of hearts, I know that I am physically who I am. That doesn't change. I own my body, my body owns me. Everything my body shows, I've lived, I've earned, I've suffered through, I've gained. Revel in your body, it's yours and yours alone.

MM, I know what you mean about the bathroom door! At first H would close it but now I noticed that not only is he leaving the door open, he's holding conversations with me while in there and today even said, "What? Come closer, I didn't hear what you said." (baby steps for us?)