Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Husband says "he's done trying".....now what?

What is the general opinion about telling teenagers the real reason that daddy is living with Grandma and Grandpa. I have kept the OOW from them so far. My 15 year old begs me to "try harder" to get Dad to come home. This breaks my heart, as I have tried everything 180, LRT...still doing both of these. I know it takes time, but how do I respond to my sons questions of WHY?

I think that's a great idea, Barbara. Appeal to the marriage's history, and say something like:

"I think we will BOTH regret it if we allow our marriage to end this way. Our kids are at VERY formative years for how to deal with relationships, and relationship conflicts. Is this what we want to teach them -- to cut and run when things get tough? When mushy, romantic feelings disappear? I still love you, despite the foolish choices I feel you've been making recently. I don't want a divorce. I'm asking you to commit just 6 months of your life to really trying to deal with our issues, WITHOUT a third person involved, and then you're free to do whatever it is you want to do. I also think we need a good marriage counselor to help us do that, but we can't do it when you're actively in an affair. Will you consider ending it, and coming back and working together on our marriage? I promise you I will give it our best effort, and we can then BOTH look the kids in the eyes and tell them we did our best."

What do YOU think??

Puppy

Wow Pupppy!!

I have tears in my eyes after reading that. That is beautiful. I think it is worth a try. I can't push him any further away at this point. I'll let you know how it goes. THANKS!!!! Oh, should I share the email that OOW sent to me??

Puppy, I think that sounds great and I think any logical, rational H or W would agree that is the sensible thing to do. But I said something very similar to my H the first month or so after I discovered the affair, and H wasn't logical & rational. He was in love with the OW, etc. so he said it was over, but the M ending had nothing to do with the OW! Stuff like after we divorce he'll have more money, more time (the same job that he's had 9 years would suddenly allow him more time with the kids), I'd find someone new and be happy, etc.

Anyway, I am maybe cynical, but I think there is esp. a stage where at least my H was in a honeymoon phase and wouldn't listen to anything I said, articles I left, etc. Just made him more determined to do what he wanted I think and caused arguments. I think my H is just finally to starting to come back to reality a little and it's been 6 months now. Karen

Hey,
I did that one too and it didn't work for me either. It just seemed to make my husband more certain that leaving and divorcing me was the right thing to do. I used logic, brought in the cost of divorce, the impact on the kids (and my husband LOVES his kids), bought up the fact that waiting until the youngest was 17 wasn't horribly long, and he might want to consider at least hanging around until then.... I even suggested that before paying all this money out to lawyers, why don't we just go on a really nice European vacation!???

All of this just seemed to make my husband more certain that leaving and divorcing me was the "right thing to do." I think it felt like pursuit, neediness and begging to my husband.

Another thing, I now realize that if my husband had responded to that and came back out of guilt, or feeling like he "had to come back for the kids," I'd probably still be dealing with him wanting to leave. He'd still be wondering what he was missing outside the marriage, and if he would have been happier with OW....or out dating in the single world. And any time there was a problem, he'd probably blame me for ruining the relationship (which actually I did have a hand in!!!), coersed him into coming back when he truly didn't want to be with me or married to me.

As far as the kids go, I told mine. I don't like lying or hiding things. But I did try to do it without blame or anger towards my H.

I'd probably forward any email OW sent me to H (and include any reply I might write). And, I'd write a reply telling her she was the lowest life form on the planet, she must really be desperate if she has to hook up with a married man, and my kids will always hate her (Hee hee!!! Just kidding on that last one). Then I'd end it with "Never contact me again."

Barb - since I just lived this - right down to the text messages when he was "supposed" to be with me, I want to offer you some advice that you probably don't want to hear.

First off, an affair is usually like an addiction. Nothing logical is going to sway him out of his mindset. The spark from a new relationship releases endorphins that give a temporary high. Also, since your husband cannot cement his relationship with OW as long as you are around, he has her and his relationship with her built up in his mind as his perfect fantasy.

If you can find a way to force him to get rid of her, it will do you no good. Why? Well, because then he had a leave when he didn't want to and for the rest of your time together you will be competing with the "perfect" OW than he had to leave behind. And as long as she is what he wants (or think he wants), he will NOT show up for your marriage.

The only way to "fix" this situation is by rolling the dice - let him go. Most affairs don't last 6 months beyond the spouse discovering the truth. Once he has an opportunity to spend all the time he wants with the OW, he may find he still thinks she's perfect and you lose. BUT, the fog may clear and he may start to see her for exactly what she is - a whore that he could never trust because she's willing to have an affair with a married man. And her perfection will start to wane as soon as normal lifes problems enter into their relationship. After all, an affair is all about only seeing/spending time/talking about things when you're both at your best. As soon as bills, broken cars, sick kids, etc. enter in, the fantasy is over.

In my opinion, the only way to truly have a secure future with a cheating spouse is if they CHOOSE to give up the other person in order to be with you.

No. Make this between you and your husband -- where it should be.

Karen,

To be honest, it's a longshot. "You can't teach an adulterer." But it's important, I believe, for a few reasons:

1. It IS worth a shot, even if your chances are slim.

2. You "go on record."

3. You gain their respect, by fighting for the marriage (esp. for men) and, frankly, it's attractive (esp. for men).

But normally, yeah, you can't "teach" them. What you CAN do is get in little "truth darts" from time to time, like "I just hope you can see how destructive you're being to the family," or "I really think you're going to regret ending your marriage this way, by cutting and running." Stuff like that.

If you want to go "on record" as standing for the marriage, it may be best to do it in writing. Words can be easily forgotten or twisted around at a later date.

Puppy Dog, you make an excellent point about truth darts. I used to throw those out every once in awhile. But I tried to be very careful how I worded them. If my husband felt I was blaming him, he'd get very defensive and would have found it much easier to run away rather than turn around and try to work on things. He would have seen me as the evil witch pointing out all his negatives.

Instead of telling him how he was hurting the kids, I might share with him an example of how much they missed him. For example, there was a comic in one of the Calvin & Hobbes books I read to my son, and it showed the dad reading to his son and there was something about how nice it was to have his father reading to him every night.... when I read it to my son it made us both feel really sad. I relayed this to my husband and I could tell that dart made a definite hit.

Another thing, rather and focus on the "marriage," and my husband's relationship with me (which he was only seeing in a negative light anyway... OW just looked sooo much better!), I focused more on him losing his "family," and not being part of all the fun things the kids and I were doing together. I might throw a dart out about how his kids missed not having him there. Once I remember sharing with him a place we visited and how sad it was seeing these other families together with moms and dads, and how we all felt a little sad about him not being there with us. I know it made him have a little stab of regret that he was not there either. I think it also made him look more at intact families when he took the kids out too, and he recognized and felt that same experience too... another little dart that hit it's target!!!

These are only suggestions. Your husband may be much different from mine. But every time you say or do something look at the results. Did it bring him closer to you and the family, or did it push him further away? Whatever pushes him away, don't do it... whatever seems to pull him closer... repeat.

I agree with Jana. If your H is so convinced that OW is perfect, nothing you do or so is going to get his attention. It's going to be seen as pursuit. If you let him go, they will experience the real world together, not this fantasy they've been living in. It's a tough road. But one of the books I read detailed this same scenario. (Book: Surviving an Affair by Harley and Chalmers)

OW may think she's winning (what a b!tch) but what you do in the meantime is critical. You GAL GAL GAL! You're upbeat, happy and friendly every time you see him. You look great. You act mysterious. Have fun with the kids. Be his friend. Let him see what he will be missing. Then, when the fantasy between H and OW starts to fall apart, where do you think he's going to go?

Again, not an easy road for you, but if you're interested, get the book. And, if you want to be the winner, you're going to have to buckle down and fight, and take the low blows with the high blows.

Joie