Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Cake eating or progress?

Just wanted to say 'ditto'.

I was checking up on him; the only other reason I would be on match would be to find a date, and isn't that what I don't want him to be doing if we're dating exclusively? Removing profiles from dating sites was not part of the deal, but it wasn't NOT part of the deal either.



No, probably not ready for an answer I don't want to hear..but I would expect ANYONE I am dating exclusively to remove their profile....ah- and *there* is the potential bugaboo. He could then say "ok. then we aren't dating exclusively." ..... and then I could say ....??

About a month back he said he sometimes felt guilty because he was continuing to see me and not just leaving me be. I responded with "you should only feel guilty if you are using me as a stop-gap while you look for someone else" and he said "no, that's not the case." Given that convo and the "we're dating exclusively" convo, I think it is reasonable to say I am not comfortable with him having an active match profile. The part of me that is scared of losing him completely says "who cares about a match profile? He could meet someone anywhere, anytime. leave it be. don't rock the boat."

So, your plan isn't bad. If he says you are dating exclusively, then it is perfectly reasonable to ask him to remove his profile. If he says you are not, then you know where you stand, and you can go from there.

Sounds fair. Certainly taking the time to cool off and disable your account was a good idea.

Trixi,

If he's been on some crazy MLC journey and is just beginning to maybe head home, pressure is typically NOT a good thing.

I'm sorry for the pain and how crazy it drives you. It would me too. This is where you have to be willing to look at the bigger picture rather than knee jerk reaction your way into a blow up that sets you back to the beginning of your situation.

You snooped. And you snooped at a time that there was not a clear cut commitment to restoring your relationship (unless I missed that part somewhere). The upside to snooping is that we get knowledge. The downside to snooping is what that knowledge sometimes turns out to be.

Personally, I might be willing to ask him if the two of you are dating exclusively. Truth be told, even that seems rather childish for two people who have been married. But I certainly would not point out the information that you found out. Perhaps a general comment if he responds in a positive way, that indicates that you would like him to please let you know if he changes his mind about being "exclusive."

Sometimes you have to let it go in order to see where things are actually heading.

You don't want to put a premature ending to something good that might have been forming.


Just my opinion.


Blessings,

Bill

I feel fine asking if we're dating exclusively because he brought it up about a month back by announcing that we were dating exclusively and he wasn't looking elsewhere. Part of the tizzy I am having right now is based on that announcement.

And you're right, I don't want a premature ending to something good that might have been forming, but I also don't want to be an idiot. I am overlooking the two women he slept with that were "half my age" because I know his frame of mind was that we were on a fast track to divorce and he considered himself to be single. If he is back out there trying to hook up with more women, then I need to drop out of his life.

I feel ridiculous asking my HUSBAND of nearly 11 years for clarification on our DATING status, but I am also not interested in catching any diseases or being played the fool. And he'll probably say his usual "I don't know. I am taking things day by day. I like how things are going right now." and "your lease goes until December."

My mom sent an email to me that I read in Costa Rica, that unfortunately my H read too. It basically said, "I hope your H realizes what a wonderful person you area, blah blah blah, and that he misses you. Of course, you have to make it so he has a chance to miss you." (IOW, cut him off.) On the way to the airport on our last day, H says "you're not going to do what your mom says are you?" I say "?" and he says "Well, you know. Make me miss you." I say "what made you think of that?" and he says "Because I want to see more of you, not less."

But that's not really how it's working out right now.

I'm just tired. And feel triply disappointed at the match discovery on the heels of our trip. For God's sake- what else does he want?!?

Only a guess here, but perhaps he's afraid that you will take your mom's advice. Maybe that's got something to do with why he was back on match after your trip.

My H knows that I turn to my family for emotional support, and of course, they are not happy about the sitch and all that has happened. He has always had this fear that I will do as they say, leave him, and never give him any kind of chance. Even now when he's back home, he still feels this. He believes that my family, especially my mother, have THAT much influence over me.

I have to remind H, quite frequently, that while my family is always there for me and they do offer their opinions and advice, they DO understand that I am an adult who can make my own decisions, and they respect that (with the exception of my mother sometimes ).

My H is just afraid that I will do what they tell me to do. Perhaps your H feels the same, and he slipped up.

What else does your H want? Looks to me as though he wants someone to take notice of him. He wants attention, and I think he wants YOUR attention, but after reading the e-mail, he now fears that he might not get it.

He knows I won't listen to my mother. My mom has actually been preaching the "cut him off" idea for months now. My mother and I have a very strained relationship right now because her controlling nature is being challenged to the nth degree with my sitch between H and I.

He saw the email early on in our trip; we have been back about a week and half and I have in no way tried to curtail our interactions. If anything, he is feeling pressured by my impatience.

Great. now that I wrote that, ("...he's feeling pressured") I have to question the wisdom in asking any questions whatsoever. Ridiculous. If my GF said that her BF was on match, I would be like "kick him to the curb! get rid of him! what a jerk!" and yet here I am, ready to just ignore the whole thing. Why am I holding my H to lower standards than I would a BF?

At an emotional level, I agree with that statement.
It sounds like he is.

Checking that thing, NOW, of all times?
That's bad.
And it is in no way "innocent", particularly given his past history with you.

He screwed around on you.
He LIED ABOUT IT to you, during and after he was doing it.

He's probably going to lie about it to you again, if he's going to do it.

This might be the time for you to draw your line in the sand. Get him to truly "commit", or not commit.
That means, "NO MORE DATING SITES". Or bar hopping. Or anything else that is clearly (in another guy's opinion) designed to pick up other women.

[wasnt he the one who said, he wanted to see you being "stronger"?]

and then do like your mom says, and let him miss you, if he doesnt.

He's being a total jerk by doing this again to you.
You've given him everything, and he's using you. again.
Personally, I think you should bring back your 'joke' profile and let him see it



i think you should be stronger. I think you should say, that you expect him to do so, or you are no longer exclusively dating.

Then put up your own serious dating profile. On Match.
Really put in what kind of man you are looking for, to spend the rest of your life with.

See what happens.

Trixi - long time no talk but I've been reading to catch up.

Dom - agreed 100%!!!!

Trixi he is using you and you are totally letting him. He doesn't get to "announce" the terms of your R whenever he decides he wants something different. Not to mention.. like Dom says, he's going to tell you after the fact, anyway.

As of XYZ date you were "dating exclusively" according to him. Did he ASK you about it or TELL you about it? I honestly think your response to that could have been a (joking but dead serious) "Oh REALLY? I'm not so sure about that." (or something along those lines). It needs to be clear to him, and you, that YOU HAVE CHOICES too.

In a month he could easily tell you "Well yeah, we were exclusively dating for 3 weeks there - that was before I decided we were no longer exclusively dating for this past week."

Please please please don't let him do this to you.

(((Trixi)))