Know this from me - you are doing everything you can do. As you know, my W had an affair like your first OM - we are both devastated and you deserve to feel like you do. I know you are trying to break away from OM, and you need to treat it like a "death" if you will. Go through the 5 stages of mourning like you are - you are getting there.
Keep up your PMA, don't let others get to you. I don't know you H, but he sounds like a great guy and you need to find that spark - and you and I both know it will be hard as you go through the period of getting him out of your thoughts. When (if) my W comes back, I do realize this, I can't change her thoughts, she has every right as a human to feel these thoughts and once she decides to come back, she will be where you are - at least that is my hope. My W didn't set out to hurt me, I get this and I am sure your H gets this as well.
Be good to yourself WDID.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
I'm listening to all this and don't know why, but I find myself shaking my head. I had OM in my head and pined for him for over 20 years. And when I made the decision to literally throw him out of my head, that is what I did. When I thought of him, I said to myself, "Stop it. You are prolonging the problem. Stop thinking of him." And I stopped it. I whispered his name every night as I lay in bed, and you know what? I still do. It's a habit. But it no longer has meaning. It's an empty thought. I do plan to stop it, but it still seems automatic. Thinking of him was my way of soothing myself when things went against me. When I had a problem, I thought of him and it calmed me. He never had anything to do with it. It was me, calming myself, but his name was my mantra. I need to do without it. My fear is that I will be an old lady in the nursing home and my husband will visit me (not likely, he is 10 years older than me, but this is a fantasy) and I will call him by OM's name. Not a good way to get visits in your old age!
Mark, talking to you maybe is good because you can help me see this clearly. In the Om's mind, he knew that I had been with someone after my H for a year so he thought that I had "grievded" already. I agree I needed time to heal but at the time I thought I was healed and ready to move on, and I made the OM feel that way, too. Also, he is not pursuing me now. After he realized that I meant what I said (because we broke up many times before) he stopped pursuing. He never encouraged me to lie to H, he thought it was done. He did, at one point, ask if H knew I was seeing someone else and I told him, what I thought at the time: I assume so, I'm gone all the time. He said "well, thinking "maybe" and "knowing for sure" are two different things. He said "he might not be as happy with you if he knows for sure". But, that really was all that was said about that.
I see what you are saying about your W OM. I didn't have a miscarriage or anything like that. I had been separated for about a year and a half from my H and told OM that I was divorcing. Again, he isn't still after me....I'm just still haunted by my thoughts of him.
I see what you are saying about dragging this out and holding my marriage back. I hear you, and I will try not to do this. I do realize that my H is devoted to me and dealing with his pain of thoughts of the knowledge of OM makes me hurt more than how I feel about the OM.
CBK- You understand well. You always say the right things. The spark is what we are looking for again. We are both trying hard so that is in our favor. I hope your wife reconsiders because you will be so great if she comes back. Both of you will be lucky. Thanks for your continual support. It is what helps me get through the mess I'm in.
Sara- Your words to me so far have so much more meaning than they did before. I didnt realize that you were in my situation at one time. I know the OM is not someone I want to be with. I, too, know that my thoughts of him have nothing to do with him. I am going to decide to "throw him out of my head" too. If I don't stop, it will stop me from getting close to my H. I hate that the OM lives close. IT makes it harder because I am afraid I will run into him. I've suggested moving to H, but the housing market is so bad, we like the schools for our son, etc. It's really not an easy move.
Update- H talks about OM again last night. Asks more questions. I answer some and tell him that if he wants to ask more we should see a MC and talk about it in there. I've read people's posts in here and almost everyone says that knowing details does NOT help them and they wish they didn't know. I leave it up to him. I said that I don't want him to think I am keeping secrets, I just don't think it will help to know specifics. For example, he knows what the OM did for fun and he already has referenced him whenever that topic comes up. He talks about MOther's Day. I know what he is going to get me because he wanted me to tell him. Im not sure I even want that. I wish he would just do something on his own.
wdid, Mark speaks with a lot of conviction. Everyone's sitch, although very similar, has it's own intricacy. His words are coming from your H's and all the guys on here viewpoint. Take them to heart. I know you already do. Your feelings are yours and yours alone, but his posts speak tons.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Married 24 yrs. h had affair 12 yrs ago with the same woman, really separated since 03/08 he brought us home from spring break, he lives out of state home on easter... he went back to Ga picked her up on the way back spent a week with him...he says he loves me but he cant and wont live the way we did before me to controlling making all the decisions. just an excuse because right after the affair 12 yrs. ago I tried and did meet him half way.... he treated me like crap 3 weeks ago showed up unannounced at his home he literally threw me out... drove 32 hrs.coming and going...said he wanted a divorce..no papers yet so far.. tell our friends who live close by where he lives.. he still loves me and misses his family.I am sure he still speaks with her..she says she will not move with him out of state till she sees divorce papers.I asked him the other day what his plans were are we divorcing and he said Have I gotten any papers?? and I said no.. she got UPSET with him when she found out we were there for spring break ... guess he is telling her one thing and telling me another... even after this I still wont give up hope he is going thru a mid life crisis or something.. this all started when he bought himself a Harley last summer met up with her during one of his rides.. he said he thought I did not love him anymore..of course all the blame is on me but I dont want to give up. I was on another infidelity site and they are told me to let him go because he was already gone.. but I refuse to do so..spoke with a coach last saturday and she gave me a different approach than what I have doing..praying it will turn things around we still have 13 yr.old at home she is devasted by all this..and she sees me falling apart all the time.. I am getting better. but still have good days and bad..anyone on here ever had this same affair happen to them... he said once he saw her "All the old feelings came back" he had a LTA of 2yrs. before I need some input please
