SF, You are a very strong and understanding woman. My hat's off to you. Your friend is telling you correctly--he is wrestling w/his conscience right now and it looks like he's not winning this one. God is definitely working on him and it's going to be a while before he can see and think straight once again.
Please take care of yourself. You are handling all of this w/grace and strength.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will be honest. Sometimes I just want to smack him upside the head and ask who/what is more important: him living over there or being with his family but I feel like that would add fuel to the fire.
I think I will have my cell phone turned off in the evenings so I am not available. And even when I think of doing this, I feel guilty because I feel he needs to talk to me.
I don't want to get caught up in his drama but I see someone whose mind is very fragile right now and I really do believe God is working on him more and more each day.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I've not written to you before but your sitch has drawn some interest from others on the board since so many of us have previously found ourselves exactly where you are now.
I know just how exhausting this is and how it takes it's toll. My ex did much the same as your's, the only difference was that he didn't have his OW waiting in the wings. It got to a point where the only thing I had left was the LRT. Even knowing that Michele had warned about of the consequences, I knew it was time. Limbo is a horrible place to be. Besides that, I had 1 son and 2 daughters and I worried about what did this say to them. Even they were starting to look at me disapprovingly. I didn't want my son to think that this was an ok way to treat a woman, and I certainly didn't want my girls to feel that they had to accept this kind of behavior from any man. You see sweetie, someone has to change the dance. If your husband is in a true MLC, this could take years and usually does. Knowing what I do now, you're husband has no reason to change or figure things out. He has a safety net on both ends.
My best advice is before you do anything, make sure that you are at peace with it. I prayed so hard and finally realized that this was not in God's plan and I'm ok with that. In fact, so many wonderful things have come out of the what I thought to be the worst thing that could ever happen.
Life will be good again no matter how this turns out.
Beth, so what came out of your LRT? Did you reconcile or move on in life on your own with peace? Where in IL are you too (have I asked you this before?)?
After talking with a very good mutual friend of ours lastnight, he told me that if H were in a right frame of mind, things such as ultimatums and boundaries, that sort of thing would work but not with H.
This friend, who does have a background in psych., said H is very paranoid. He would not react to the above because that is not the way he does things.
Also, we think deep down he's afraid because there are some characteristics that appear to be similar to his mother's mental disorders and we are sure this is not something he wants to hear or know about.
His advice: just let him be, leave him alone, let him get thru this because eventually he will. H likes to punish himself (gee, what a surprise!) and when he is truly sick of living his life like this, he will come out of it, sooner rather than later.
This is not about OW at all. She just has a place for him to retreat when he cannot deal with things. He gets very little sleep, goes to bed in the wee hours of the morning but he seems to function on the job.
I can honestly say I have plenty to do here and really, if he were living at home, it would be that much more difficult on everyone to watch him go thru the spinning and cycling.
Yes, H wants to be home but he is not ready to come back.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I got the divorce last year but this had been going on since 2002. It's taken him this long AND a divorce to finally realize that all you have is your family. I however am at a totally different place and have a very happy life.
None of us know what the future will bring and even I could have a moment of weakness where I want to sit down and get it all out, who knows. For right now, I am happy with the freedom, and the love that has continued to surround me. I remember all too well what it was like walking on eggshells and trying to make an unhappy man happy. I wished so badly that I could turn it around but some people have to lose everything to understand what they had.
That's a tough question. I know better then to never say never in most cases. The thing is I just can't even imagine going back to that, but I have to add that it's because I don't know that I trust that he's totally changed and I would never put myself or my kids through that kind of drama again. Life is way to short not to be happy.
The only thing I would ever believe is to hear, "I'm sorry" , short and sweet. You see spouses who return all of the time but they never take responsibility for their part. I don't believe that the past should be constantly dredged up but I do believe that we have the right to feel secure enough in the relationship, and that we know they are in it for the long haul.
So far my ex really has only told me that he's not happy or that he's lonely, but he hasn't come close to saying what I need to hear. In all fairness to him he does whatever is asked monetarily which I am very thankful for and is now good with his word. When he was in MLC I couldn't believe a darn thing he said, and that is an awful way to live.
You know, I really do believe that to give a relationship a second chance, especially after all of the fallout from a divorce, we really do have to be 2 totally different people, and in so many ways, I know I am nowhere near the person I was when I started on this journey!
