We are going on a bahamas cruise & to disney next week for our 8th anniversary. I cant wait. And my H has surprisingly been really excited about it too now that it is almost here - at first he was skeptical about going.
I almost messed up all our progress last weekend with a blow out fight about my pain and emotions and hurt. Somehow, my H decided in the long run not to give up on us even though that was the way he was talking during the spat. I think I have learned enough DBing skills that somehow I realized I wasnt keeping my eye on the cheese. So I apologized and he said he is willing to keep working on our M in the end all. TIPPER
Hi Tipper, I'm so glad to read that things are going well now. H and I had a huge fight last weekend too about the same type of things (my hurt, my resentments), so I think I know how you feel about wondering if things can improve after such a blowout. We know we need to move on, don't look back, be patient for the changes, etc. I think you and I are both doing pretty well.
I am really shocked that my situation has been going so well, considering all that was said during our last blow out. But it is going in a direction that I like.
My H is so excited now about going away to florida/bahamas for the week (who wouldnt be - right?). So I am now feeling much more at ease with the trip.
My H also ran into an uncle that works as an electrical lineman and was trying to talk him into getting a job there with him. He has offered it to my H for two yrs now, and my H was never interested. But now, my H is considering it. I am so pumped, and I hope he follows through. This would be the best thing for my H in my eyes. He needs to get away from the stress of owning a small business (that went bankrupt last yr.), and get some regular hours and pay. I think it will give him a whole new sense of pride and responsibility. It will help him get back on his feet and will help with his depressive states he goes through in the winter time when he has no work.
My H has also said that he is gonna put off buying a camp for a few years. He realizes it is just not feasible right now and said he knows the time isnt right. I dont know why he changed his mind, but thankfully he did. Because I would much rather feel like he is financially stable when he does it. Also, I love camps too, and I would love to have a stable enough relationship by the time he does look at camps as to help out with payments and make it ours, and not just his.
The other good news is that he is still interested in becoming a fireman, but he is putting that on hold until he feels more stable. I would love for him to follow that dream, but I know it is really hard to get jobs in that field in our area. In order to be hired he would have to live a half hr. away in the city for at least a year before they would consider him a resident to that city. That would kill our relationship, and he would party so hard and be right next to all the strip clubs - so I am happy he is reconsidering. And we will remain in our suburb for now.
I dont know why he has changed his mind on so many things, maybe it was due to some of the things that were said in our spat, or maybe he is just coming back down to earth. I dont know, but I really like it.
H has also came out to two big events ( my Best friends 30th b-day, and our friends sons baptism and 1st b-day) and hung out with all of our old friends. It feels so good to have him with me when I go to these types of things, and he voluntarily came to both. These are nice baby steps that he is taking. I am so thrilled. TIPPER
Well we leave at 3:30 a.m. tonight to get on our airplane and go to florida and on a bahama's cruise. I am so excited, and my H kept saying last night again how excited he was too.
I hope that this trip goes well, with no huge problems or blow outs. We have been doing well lately, so I can imagine it will be great. We could really use this type of bonding.
Last night, I went out to my older brothers b-day party alone, my H said he didnt want to go because he would be too busy getting ready for the trip. But after an hour of me being there, my H text me and said he was gonna come watch TV at my place while I was gone.
I acted as if I didnt care that he cant bother to come around my family and makes up poor excuses to not go. When I got home I was all smiles and talked about how nice of a night it was. I think he feels bad, but he for some reason refuses to face my fam for the most part.
Oh well, I guess I got to live with it and hope that he will change over time. My family never did anything to him, I just think he cant face them after what he has done to me. I get stuck in the middle now all the time.
When we get back from our trip, the next day is my Mom's b-day. I would love for him to actually try and come to that party, but I should not get my hopes up. TIPPER
Well we just got back from our trip to florida/bahamas last night and things went great - Even despite hurricane fay that gave us some crazy weather for half the trip.
It was awesome to be with my H for a week straight. But then I found it really hard to come home and to drop him off at his apartment and go seperate ways. It is just wierd.
He only had a few temper tantrums while we were there, and most of them were about directions and driving. I would sit quietly and not react to his blowing up. He even said to me once afterwards that he was sorry he got mad and that he knows he shouldnt treat me that way & asked why I dont give him any crap back. I said "because then we just go in circles and it isnt productive". He said, I see your point - but you shouldnt have to put up with my temper. I said I am used to it and I try not to let it affect me.
Overall, this trip was great for about 5 days, and then the last two days - I could feel him sort of distancing. He got a cold and got irratable towards the end.
He thanked me a lot for taking him, and I think he really appreciated it.
I am going to see my family today all alone as expected. He gave the work excuse again to me so he would not have to come. Oh well. TIPPER
The other day when we got back from our trip, I went to my parents camp alone to celebrate my mom's b-day since my H said he had to work.
When I got back into town, I text my H to let him know I would be home chilling. He said he was too drunk to drive so he would see me the next day. I said o.k.
Then when I went to bed I said the "hedge of thorns" prayer because I know my H will live his own free will and continue to drink heavily at bars without me, but I pray that he will not find satisfaction in it.
Then at about 3:30a.m. I got a call from him to see if I could come pick him up to bail him out from a DWI. This is the thrird time he has gotten out of a DWI with just a warning.
He was so thankful to me, and loving. But I just cant believe that he will not learn from these experiences. The officer told me the only reason he was letting him go, was that because he sees his truck around the bars in town all the time and that he knows he will get him again. I told my H and he laughed it off.
So, even though our R seems to be going well, I still am not getting many of my needs met. He still has major drinking probelm, he still doesnt want to move back in with me, he still will not face my family or friends very often, and he still definetly still checks out other women.
I am so afraid to say anything to him anymore about any of these topics becuase they have only led to fights and him running again. Am I supposed to just sit back and be patient here or am I missing some major facts about getting what you want out of relationships??? TIPPER
((((TIPPER)))) I pray that your h realizes what a destructive thing he's doing DWI. I don't think the cop did anyone any favors by letting him off with a warning.
And yes, all you can do is be patient and work on yourself and your life. You already know that you can't make him stop drinking, make him want to be with your family or move in with you. You can let him know (calmly) that you don't agree with the choices he is making, but that you love him. Maybe you should change the way you approach these subjects with him- insted of a discussion that leads to an argument, could you write him a letter? Try something different.
NA, Yea, I pray for the same. And I also can tell that he knows that it is destructive for him and for us. He says things all the time, that make me realize that he doesnt like his own choices, but he is addicted and also says often "I just dont know how to stop, I dont know why I cant stop". He says he never plans on going to a bar to drink more than just one or two and get dinner. But he always ends up staying for more. All I can do is to pray. I cant push him to go to AA meetings. And I know that he is doing it becuase he isnt ready to stop - he finds it fun.
Unfortunately my H still needs to hit a rock bottom before he will ever change.
I love your letter idea. It is a great piece of advice. However, I just dont think it is the right time yet. If I say to him (even in writing) how I really feel about his lifestyle - he will just run again. However, I do think I could use a letter format down the road, if things continue to be bad or to get worse - I know I will have to say something instead of just living with it.
My H continues to drink and drive despite the 3 warnings. I cant believe he wont learn from this last experience becuase he seemed really sincere about knowing he has a problem the day after it happened. TIPPER
Another reason why I dont think it is a good time to approach my H (even through a nice letter), is because in the past years before he left me, I would complain (justifyably) about his life choices. I just couldnt understand his changes and why he was starting to drink so much, so I would let him know how it hurts me, him , and us. This drove him away.
One thing I learned here is that I need to accept him for who he is and he has every right to live his life the way he wants. So now, my 180 has been to not say anything negative about his choices, but rather to reward him when he does well.
This seems to be working well for our R. But it hasnt yet produced the results of him changing. I do believe if I stick with it, and not complain about his lifestyle and not get defensive when I am mad: then eventually he may start to change when he sees enough to believe that my changes are not going to disappear when I get comfy.
Therefore, I feel as I can not approach him yet. First I need to learn how to be assertive and ask nicely and calmly for what I want and need out of our R. While he is experiencing a nice sense of acceptance from me, I will start to work on this in little ways.
It will be hard for me. I am not used to asking for what I want. I am also afraid of the risk involved, so this will take some time. TIPPER
You know he knows he has a problem right? So pointing out his problem to him over and over is only reminding him that he is weak, men don't like to be weak. So I agree that you have to totally accept who he is right now, not who he might be if... , and decide for yourself if you can live with it. If the answer is yes, then keep on doing what you are doing.
If for some reason you don't think he knows he has a problem then I would suggest having another person talk to him, not you. You need to be the rock not the accuser. But you have to decide what you are willing to put up with , and of course your personal safety is not negotiable.
I think in your case I would write out the differences in the ways you wish to be treated by him and then decide on priorities and think about how you can nudge those changes without getting up in his face. Like if you want a good night kiss, you can initiate it, and they smile and say thanks, perhaps over time he will get used to it, and then you back away and he continues, know what I mean.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
