Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Feeling down and discouraged

A question for the troups...
I’m sure many of you have gone through this... so how do you get over the hump?

Officially, now we’re separated a week... and I’m finding myself increasingly feeling like: Maybe I really don’t want this person in my life. Even after a “week” of being separated, I’m starting to feel more like this hour by hour. I just want the pain and this nightmare to stop.

I mean.....WHY, WHY, WHY!? do I want this person in my life... after all, he’s given me an emotional kick in the stomach and heart? He’s hurt be beyond belief... he’s rejected me etc etc etc.

How do I get to detached without complete and total hatred or disgust and bouncing in and out of indifference? (Cuz that’s now what I’m feeling).

How am I ever going trust this person again, let along forgive him for what he’s done to us?

We’re supposed to “potentially” have our first weekly date tonight (once a week according to talks and plans leading up to the separation)... and I had to remind him of it... he’s booked himself pretty solid,...almost as though he wanted to be too busy to do it.

The way I feel,... I’m not even sure I want to see him... and yet, I know I’ll be disappointed if he cancels...scratch that... RENEGES on this “friendship” restart right out of the starting blocks.

Why do I get the sick feeling that after all the "promises" we said about separating to "try" to rebuild... it was all BS? *sigh*

Abbey

Hi sweetie. I know, it's bloody hard. I think it's a cycle - you go through feelings of never-ending love, then sadness/dispair, then anger/hatred, then numbness... repeat.

The only trick I've learned is to stay really busy doing things that bring me joy. Yesterday and today I took my dog to the river. The weather is perfect and nature soothes my soul.

Maybe you should be the one to cancel if you're not feeling right mentally about your H right now...?

Right this minute, go do something that brings you some happiness. Here are some ideas:

Take a walk.
Go for a manicure/pedicure.
Catch a movie.
Go to a coffee house and enjoy your drink outdoors.
Go buy a pretty dress.
Visit a nursery or gardening center.

Wishing you happiness, sweet thing.

Oh I TOTALLY relate!! I can't tell you how my feelings change day to day. I go from feeling depressed and really wanting it to work to thinking "why to I want this person in my life at all". I don't trust him, I go crazy thinking about where he is or who he's with. He's NOT there for his kids...BUT this is someone I love so much and commited my life to...yet he hurt me so badly.

How do you get over the hump? You just do. The same way you go on living...one breath at a time.

Do you have GAL plans?

It's normal to want the pain to stop - but really there is no shortcut. It is part of the process. If you manage to push it away, it will just gather strength and bite you harder later. So, you take it one day at time (or hour by hour) and acknowledge that it is there, but don't allow it to take control and dictate your decisions or actions.

Our "date night" agreement fell apart pretty quickly, too. But, it really wasn't a mutually planned sep. Are you in MC?

In MC? I don't know what that is... the midlife crisis forum?

He's part in MLC I believe,... and partly just gone wacko... abducted by aliens etc.

I did get a call about 6ish... met for a quick dinner and he even suggested a "movie" afterwards, but we were both tired I think from the weekend. Me emotionally, him through how much "work" he's piled on himself. We decided to pass on the movie, but he indicated there was one that he would like to see next time.

It was pleasant, non eventful (other than noticing he changes his mind all the time. One minute he wanted to know what I didn't want him to throw out and then seemed surprised at the things I listed as things I left as "decorations"... and that I would think he would through that kind of stuff out. *shrug*)

The hug when he met me was tight and friendly... saying goodbye seemed a little awkward if I'm being honest... he seemed a little down when he walked away. Maybe the loneliness for him will sink in sooner too.

We talked about our week and he said he'd talk to me midweek. (even asked about my plans for the week.)

Just seems so strange to love someone this badly, and yet still want to wack them on the head to smarten them up... wake them up.

MY T and I have a deal, I must go "out" at least once a day... not to coop myself up at home etc.

Today, I continue with me "job-courses"... and I'm going out to buy a lamp. Hey... it's something to do.

Abbey

Duh not enough coffee yet ... MC... marriage counseling nope... he won`t go. At one point early before he wanted to separate,... he said he might later... but then went on this tangent about how he knew more than the MC profession. Strange thing about him is that at some points,... he`s the old fella I married ... other times he`s like I`m watching someone I don`t even know.

MLC+hurt from a false rumor put into his head by someone hoping to get closer to him (and it worked)... + plus confusion, plus some of his own depression. I dunno... it`s like watching someone completely unwilling and unable to cope with his emotions so his mind just starts to misfires on all cylinders.

Anyone who knows us... knows him... cannot believe I`m talking about him... his actions in places that have to do with me ARE out of character.... wayyyyyyyyyyyyy out of character.

Abbey

the one way to detach is when you realize you CAN be happy without him.

Then, trust me on this, you will be free.

A partner is a want, not a need. I suffered so much the first months, like I couldnt' breath, not knowing how I could make it one more wk without him! I just could not imagen a future without him in it. But you MUST make plan B:what if he never comes back. Then, and only then you'll find the confidence and courage to wait in this limbo.

Hi Abbey
It's an old stragety. People want what they cannot have. If you can achieve what Cat03 states you increase your odds of reconsiliation. I believe it's one of the foundations of this book. Not an easy thing to implement.

I'm in the same place. I am finding that when I db and GAL (I'm going back to school) h seems to want to be more involved. he's only been gone 3 weeks and sometimes I cry all day and sometimes I truly feel like I never want him back. it's so hard.

But what I'm realizing is that db is about YOU. US. not "getting them back" and it's a hard pill to swallow, but when I DO db, I see a softening.

Abbey,
I can relate on this one. W moved out on April 19th, so it's been about two weeks. Going into the S, our talks were very positive. Talked about dates with each other, and late night invites to the apartment. We have a subscription to Netflix so I went out and bought her a DVD player so we could do movies at her apartment.

So the reality? A complete turnaround. She told me that seeing each other so soon would be counterproductive. Told me that she is happy being alone and needs the time to focus on herself.

Like you, I am beginning to feel indifferent to the whole thing. Now I'm asking myself if I really want her back. I've been very busy the past couple weeks and am happy just focusing on myself and then the kids on 'my' weeks. Didn't think I would get to this point so quickly.