Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband insists its over-what now? Please help!

Hello

Sorry, keep meaning to say I have got DR! It is great. Although have only skimmed through it, need to give it a 'proper' read.

I am torn between accepting its over and getting on with my life, to keeping a small glimmer of hope in my heart. For me personally, to have hope terrifies me because I don't want to be disappointed again. Having been through a similar but shorter seperation with him last year (it only lasted a week but was for the same reasons as this time), I'm not sure if I could go through this again. Especially as this bomb has come after a wonderful holiday together-we didnt have a cross word at all, just relaxed, ate and drank together, and made love every day! (sorry if thats too much info, just want you to understand my confusion). As a lot of my friends have said-could you ever trust him again? I just don't know. And now he has started texting this girl who has made it obvious to him that she wants him. I am worried it wouldnt just be a rebound relationship. They have a lot of stuff in common and physically she is 'his type'. It hurts a lot. He says I'm no longer the woman for him, and he is making contact with her. And him texting other women is not normal for him. He has hardly any female friends.

Also, not sure if this is significant, but when I was 19 and he was 20 he broke up with me then too! Again, the circumstances were strange, because he had just asked my mum to borrow some money to take me away for my birthday! She agreed, and the same evening he finished with me! I don't remember the ins and outs of the situation, but I remember it coming seemingly out of the blue and him saying that he didnt feel the same way about me anymore. We were still kids back then, living at home with our parents, and when I looked back I saw that the break was a good thing as we were able to meet new people and go and do our own thing. Then about 8 months later we got back in contact (I think he rang me out of the blue for a chat) and that was that. We had a couple of dates and got back together.

So in actual fact this is the 3rd time he has done this to me. Maybe there are some underlying issues??

Sorry just thinking out loud.

Anyway, H said he will ring the estate agents on Tuesday to arrange a valuation, and will come over next weekend to start getting the house sorted.

It sounds pretty over doesnt it!

Lea
xxx

I am having a VERY bad day today.

I stupidly put on the wedding DVD. It has turned me into a blubbering wreck. We look so happy, he looks so happy, he looks so excited and his speech was wonderful. How could his feelings change?

Even more stupidly, I text him. Watching it just made me feel so close to him. I said 'I am stuppidly watching the wedding dvd. Would you come round and watch it. I want you to see how happy we were. I believe in us and our marriage'.

He just replied 'I'm off out to do some recording now. You really shouldn't watch it'.

I replied 'I need to watch it. I need to understand how this is happening. But I can't. Feelings like that can't change.' When he didnt reply I sent another one saying 'I will never understand this Tom. I wish you would watch the DVD and maybe you would rethink'.

Again no reply. I know I have completely gone against DB but the DVD just made me so emotional.

HOW DO THEIR FEELINGS CHANGE??!! Its like he has just turned off all his feelings for me, our whole life together.

Lea
xxx

Lea,

Turn the DVD off. And no more initiating R talks with your H. As you saw from his response, trying to remind him of how happy you were won't work- it'll push him further away.

Their feelings become buried- they won't find them again just like that- you need to become a beacon and remind him of the you he first fell in love with. What was she like? He may not realise it, but his feelings are in there....it's just going to take some time for him to rediscover them. You can help by being a fun, lighthearted, friendly person to be around.....

((((((Lea))))) Sorry you're having a bad day. but honestly, take teh DVD out and put it somewhere out of the way so you're not tempted to look at it/watch it.

Have you got any plans today? I think it'd be a good plan to go out and do something for yourself this afternoon!

L.

Thanks One Day. Its stupid because I realised that watching the DVD would hurt me but I did it anyway.

I sent one last text to him saying:

'I'm sorry for those texts. Watching the DVD made me feel very close to you again. It reminded me of what we had and its difficult to accept you don't want it anymore. I will leave you alone now. Although I do need your advice on the money situation when you've got a mo as its a mess and I don't know what to do'.

(We're having some financial difficulties and living apart is even more expensive and we've got bills this week that need to be paid.)

I am going to have a shower now(sitting in my dressing gown at mo which is probably adding to my depressed mood). I will take the dog out for a long walk this afternoon and try and cheer myself up.

Thanks for replying it has really helped

Lea
xxx

No problem Lea. The walk sounds nice- it's such a lovely day. Make sure you let us know how it was....

I like the apology by text aswell- that was a good move.

Lisa

Lea,
I torture myself with my Hs numerous love letters. I have also looked at our wedding album. I think it's OK to do this. It's part of the grieving process. It's probably best not to try to get the H to look at that stuff too. I want my H to reread all his letters--not to change his mind, but so he can understand why I am so deeply hurt and confused.

I wrote my H an email this morning, talking about some practical matters. Then I went back into how I feel like we took vows, that I deserved more, etc. Still haven't sent it. I am going to take a walk and come back and rethink it.

Have as good a day as you can.

Hi Lea,

I just wanted to say that I agree with LMG that you can watch these things if it's art of your grieving.

However, what you musn't do is to use these things as a way to try and get your H to re-evaluate his decision; it won't work and will drive him further away. The same goes for initiating any discussion about your feelings. I know it's tempting to do it, especially at the beginning, but this is when you must resist the urge the most- the stronger and more unavailable, centred and happy you seem now, the more attractive your H will find you, and the better your chances of busting this thing!

L.xx

Thanks again.

Surprisingly I had a better day than expected, considering I was in such a state this morning. I went to lunch with my mum, my sister and her baby son. He is gorgeous and a good distraction (but a part of me can't help but think-I may not now get to have a family with H! Stupid I know). I then took our dog out for a walk along the river for an hour and a half. The sun was shining, the river was glistening, people were out enjoying the weather and it was just lovely. The dog had a paddle in the river too which he very much enjoyed, and is whacked out now!

I have been thinking of things that I would like to do for me. The problem is we are in such a financial mess at the minute and a lot of my ideas cost money. Plus I live in a small town with not many resources.

Can anyone suggest what they've done to GAL to give me any ideas?? To be honest, my interests have always been fairly low key- I love watching films, reading, browsing internet and walking dog. I want to change but I'm not sure what I want to do!

My biggie is that I would love to go travelling, have wanted to go since leaving school, but it was something H always said we could do later. He even bought it up in one of our break up chats-that he thought that having been together so long we have held each other back in certain areas of our individual lives, which I tend to agree with (although obviously at the time we didnt see it as holding each other back, we were planning a future). H said he always feels bad that I didnt get to travel.

I am thinking that now may be the time to do something big like this. Maybe not a round the world adventure, but perhaps go away for a couple of months. Obviously that depends on our financial situation once the house is sold.

Thanks again

Lea
xxx

Morning

H rang me this morning to discuss financial matters. We got chatting about selling our house and what we'd been up to over the weekend, and were on the phone for about 10 mins.

He asked if he was supposed to be ringing the estate agents or was I as he couldnt remember how we left it. I told him he was supposed to be doing that.

So, when it gets to the point of actually deciding whether or not to put our house on the market-what should I be doing?! Oviously this is not something I really want to do, but do I have to make out like I don't mind?

Confused!

Lea
xxx

Hi Lea,

I'm not sure of the best way to respond about the house. Do you want to sell, or stay? That should guide what you do. How open would H be, do you think, to alternative ways of handling the house (like renting a room/getting a lodger/you guying him out, for example?)

I love the idea of doing some travelling, BTW. A couple of months away would be such a great experience. Where would you go?

((((Lea))))

L.xx