Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Refuse To Lose, Part VIII

Bizarre,

I do have to look at her contacting me w/ anything that D does as well as looking to me when she is in need of help as definite signs that she does want me involved deeply in the raising of our D. I can only hope this will get better as D ages.

I'll need to sell the house to eliminate the debt I'm wracking up from this D, but I'm holding out the slightest bit of hope that we'll be able to figure things out once custody is established. At that point, I don't think she'll have too much to be angry at me about and then my DBing may actually have a longer lasting effect than it does now.

My L wants to have her discuss on the record how she can claim that I've sexually assaulted her (or forcibly raped her, as her mother put it) and how she can say she fears me yet hasn't filed any charges ever and she still reaches out to me to help her care for our D. If she did believe these things, she wouldn't allow me to have anything to do w/ her or our D.

The deposition should help my case a lot. Also, if I don't dispute her charges, then I'll be guilty in the court of public opinion and that will be damaging to my D when she grows up and starts to ask questions.

RTL

RTL,
Keep fighting the good fight. It seems your lawyer has a good head on their shoulders as well. As for your D, there will be a time where she will insist that you be involved regardless of what your STBX has to say about it.

If you do what you need to do, your D will see it and you will be rewarded in all of this...

ND -

Thanks for checking in and giving me encouragement. I know that I'll be better in the long run and I know my D will understand me and what I've gone through as well. It is just so darn hard while you are stuck in the middle of it all to be patient. I just want it all to move along. However, the lull in the response from the parenting evaluator has worked to my advantage in the fact that I've been able to amass more letters on my behalf and sort through all of the needed items to send for his inspection. I still wish I was somewhat closer to a conclusion, however.

I am going to follow my L's lead, but I'm still not happy about having to defend myself against W's wacked-out charges. I can't sit still and allow them to be leveled against me however. What would I tell my D when she asks about them? They weren't true, but I decided not to spend the money to dispute the charges? That wouldn't wash and would undermine my credibility w/ my D.

Thus, I'm leaving it up to him and I'm hoping his 35 years of experience will come to my rescue in a big way here.

RTL

RTL - You and I both have very experienced L's. I have no problem paying the extra bucks for quality. I just feel confident that you are going to get a fair deal with your D. They have to prove that you are an unfit father to not have equal custody when you are asking for it. I have not read anything from you to the contrary. If anyone should get less time - it is your W who has exposed D5 to an A and alcoholism.

RTL,
The truth will carry more weight than the charges she has made. I too have had some elaborate charges made against me. Although there is some validity to them, I have never put my son in danger and exposed him to the things that my STBX has.

We are a rare breed, wanting as much time with our children as possible. The courts, hopefully in both of our cases, see that our children are fortunate and allow us as much time as possible.

Experience with the L's will pay off. I too have a person that has worked in Family Law for 27 years and she has even said that my STBX is the rudest person she has had to deal with in her career. I hope the judge sees that and the affects it iwll have on our S and rules accordingly. I hope the same happens with you... Best of luck and keep fighting the good fight.

ND -

I have to keep fighting, but it is hard. Today I'm a bit down. It is just one of those things. Anyway, you mentioned the following:

My L told me this is the angle he pushes if we do have to go to court -- "shouldn't he be rewarded rather than punished for wanting to spend as much time w/ his D as possible?" I hope we don't have to go to court, but if we do, I'm paying him to be good, so I am hoping to get my money's worth.

I did get to talk w/ D yesterday for a bit and also to W. D then called me back and left a message while I was in the gym telling me goodnight and that she loved me. W and I communicated today about her calling the DMV to get the tabs and registration for the car I'm driving as well as for my seeing D this week and next. W and D leave for Indiana on the 14th and aren't back until the 22nd, so I want as much time as I can before they take off.

W told me yesterday they have plans to spend the night w/ a friend of ours and her two girls b/c her husband will be out of town. I know W is going to bash me and to our mutual friends and I'm fighting the urge to call and pre-empt her attacks by asking them to reserve judgement until they've heard my side.

However, I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be a good thing to do, so for now, I won't. I hope they are level-headed enough to see some of the obvious red flags that should be apparent when they hear W's tales. If not, then there is nothing really I could do, but I still hope there is someone out there that knows us both that will at least start to question W's stories and actions.

So, I guess that is why I'm down. I've got some errands to run then I'll try and exercise tonight or take the dogs for a walk. If not, I'll at least hang out and watch baseball, which I do love to do.

Talk to you all later.
RTL

RTL,
In the beginning nearly all our friends believed my H was running away from a controlling Kalni. Through the months that have passed, there isn't even ONE that didn't come to me and say "he has issues, you were just being blamed as an excuse". People know, sooner or later they figure it out. Don't worry. You'll have plenty of chances to shine to the people you really care about their opinion.

I can't help it and repeat once more that you are becoming an amazing person (unless you lie to us). I am sure people in RL see it too.

K

Kalni,

Thank you, my dear.

I can only hold out hope that as you all say, the truth will come through.

As for me, I know I'm different and I'm better. Thank you for seeing my growth and changes. It means a lot to hear the support of others and makes it worthwhile to continue to push forward through this BS.

I'm being as genuine as I can, which is why I don't fear being deposed by my W's L. They will hear the same stories and facts I've told you all here, the same I've told my T, and the same the parenting evaluator has heard. I've made plenty of mistakes in my marriage and I will admit to them all, but I've also told the truth, which is something my W can't say.

I swear my W should write fiction or screen plays for the Lifetime or Oxygen Networks based on how much she's been able to turn me from someone who is charming, loving and "normal" in public but turns into an evil A-Hole at night. I wonder if her stories about me involved a full moon. Maybe she was in cahoots w/ Ali and her lunar charts when she began dating some of these "horrific" events that happened b/t us.

Oh, well. I digressed and became sarcastic. Sorry about that. In any event, to be honest, not only do I want the truth to come out, but I really and truly do want my W to be happy. I want her to be able to face whatever it is that scares the crap out of her and work on herself being healthy and happy. She said I was controlling and she wanted to be free from me, but I really think she needs to be free from herself.

I still miss her and I'll always love her, but I'm beginning to see now that I'll be fine and I'll land on my two feet...kind of like a cat, except they have four feet.

RTL

What's up RTL (you two footed cat)

I will surely second what Kalni mentioned as far as the amazingness of your continual growth during this whole thing.

"She said I was controlling and she wanted to be free from me, but I think she really needs to be free from herself."

I hope and pray as I am sure you do that in time she will reach this reality. The circuitry for the light bulb to come on is in need of some major fixing but sooner or later it may happen.

Stay strong brother. God is watching and he is fully aware of the truth. Grace is watching of course, too.

Tomato,

Thanks for checking in. I can only hope that one day W will be able to face whatever she's running from b/c I won't always be around to blame. Right now, I'm the reason for all her unhappiness and I really hope she'll be able to work on herself one day and finally be happy.

As for me, I'm down again. I just got this text from W:


If this is indeed what D said, then W has been badmouthing me in front of her and she did NOTHING to alleviate any concerns of D toward me. Has she been coaching D to think I'm a monster? Has D overheard her conversations w/ people? What if my little girl is afraid of me b/c of what W has said and done? I'm so saddened by this.

Why can't the legal system hurry up and allow me to consistently see my D? Why is W in charge? Why does she get to call all the shots right now? I'm frustrated, heart-broken and sickened to think my sweet baby girl may be learning to fear me.

Can my actions alone overcome these biases from her mother? I hope so. I really do.

I did get to speak w/ her briefly tonight and told her I loved her and to have a good night. She said she'd like to call me back and I would love it if she did.

I miss my baby.

RTL