Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Real life's getting more like fiction each day....

Like Kris, I'm unsure whether or not I can pinpoint the difference either, although I also believe that it is a little easier to detach when you're not around your WAS so much. I can understand how difficult that must be for you since you're still living in the same house. There's continuous contact between the two of you. I had a lot of trouble with detaching myself before my H moved out (6 months after the bomb). After he left, it did take some time, but detaching became much easier. His day-to-day actions could no longer effect me the way that they had when he was still here.

As for the cake-eating, I think it's referred to as such when the WAS is clearly walking all over the LBS, and the majority of the time it is because the LBS isn't setting boundaries. OR they do, but they do not enforce them. The LBS keeps letting the WAS get away with things by sacrificing their own self-respect. It's like, "Well it hurts me that you're having an A, and I told you I want it to stop, but you're still saying the things I want to hear....or you spent some time with me, so it's ok this time. I'll give you another chance.".....Then another.....then another..... The LBS will continue accepting whatever little crumbs the WAS chooses to toss their way.

It will only change when YOU make it change. When you set forth your boundaries and STICK TO THEM. Your H will NOT take you seriously if you don't even take your own feelings YOURSELF very seriously.

I also think you SHOULD do the hotel thing! You deserve the break! And DO NOT tell your H of your plans. Just go. Do not call him and DO NOT answer his calls. For once, Sara, let him feel what it's like to not know YOUR whereabouts.

Lastly, I DO think you should tell him about the appt with the ATTY. Tell him AFTER the appt. WAKE HIS A$$ UP AND MAKE HIM SMELL THE COFFEE. I bet it will scare the crap out of him!

(((((((Sara)))))))

PS - Also like Kris, I don't want you to feel that I am being hard on you. I am just tired of seeing your H take complete advantage of you. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

I would tell him about it after the fact, not before.

The hot tub sounds like a great idea.

And you have some clear places to start as far as changing some of the dynamics in your M. (((Sara))) You can do it!

I am totally aware that I am allowing my H to take advantage of me and manipulate me. I feel really torn in many directions. Part of me wants to stand up and tell him where he can shove his staying out all night and the other part of me is scared that he will run away and never return if I do that. I know the way things stand right now, he is able to go out all night and then come back home and say some magic words to me and we will go out to eat and have a nice time. At least he knows that I am not happy about it and I feel abandoned. He seemed shocked when I said something about how abandoned I feel.

I meet with the lawyer in a 1/2 hour. I am scared. My stomach is hurting. I feel sick. I hope I don't cry. I hope the woman understands that I haven't made any decisions right now. I just want information. I hope she doesn't try to get me to make a decision for divorce quickly. I don't want any pressure. I just want my questions answered. This has to be one of the scariest things I have ever done.

Sara

Take a deep breath. It'll be fine. You have all the control here. If she doesn't give you what you want, you walk out and never see her again. It's that simple.

The fact that I have social anxiety and have been taken meds for it for almost 8 years now doesn't help this matter. Meeting new people ALWAYS makes me anxious, so this just makes it that much worse.

I would be anxious anyways, so I can only imagine how much more stressful it is for you. But it will be fine. You will get some good info and she cannot do anything you don't want her to. ((((((Sara)))))))

Sara, I felt this too. It takes time, it really does. If things continue the way they are...you will probably get to the point that you don't CARE if he runs away...that is when you will truly be able to detach. It takes time. You aren't doing anything wrong.

Been there done that. You aren't alone in how you feel and your feelings are perfectly normal. You will eventually get fed up with this arrangement.

When I went to see the lawyer, I DID cry. Honey it is ok. She shouldn't push you one way or another, if she does then you should do as Michelle said and walk out and never see her again.

(((((Sara)))))....I wish I could give you a REAL hug

Sara- I did the same thing you're doing. I went back in Dec. It's okay to cry. I did. This is a HUGE and very hard thing to deal with. I just went for information. The attorney was honest with me and just gave me all the info. that I needed.

Have a good meeting. I know it's hard, but it's also a step toward some more inner strength.

SueS

I remember feeling like I was going to barf when I went. Your feelings are normal. You are just info gathering.

Well I made it through the meeting. I didn't cry. I tried to make jokes that weren't funny.

Basically I have learned that financially I am screwed. He cheated on me, broke the vows of our wedding, acts like a child and I will have to pay him. Doesn't seem right at all, does it? Since I make so much more than he does, the lawyer said that I shouldn't be shocked to have to pay marital support as well as have to pay off the rest of his car. She also said I might have to buy him out for his half of the house as well as give him some of my retirement. Not to mention the cost of all the court fees and all that. It makes me sick. Can I just vent a little bit? I did what you were supposed to do in a marriage. I was faithful and tried my best to meet my husband's needs and I am the one that gets punished?? If I were in charge of the law, I would say that if a spouse cheated on the other spouse, then they get nothing! There I feel better...

She did say that if I wanted to file for divorce, I could file and then "sit on it" for awhile to see if my H comes around.

Something else she said really, really hit me. She said that she could see that right now I still love my husband and I am not ready to file for divorce. And as an outsider that is hard for her to understand, but she knows that it is different when emotions are involved. However, there will be a day when I will realize that I am young and deserve to be treated better. I guess it hit me because I know she is right. I wanted to tell her that the awful person I was telling her about who stays out until 2am is not my real husband. My real husband treated me like a princess and was so wonderful. Sure he didn't make a lot of money, but he was so loving and compassionate. That this man I have now isn't really him...just a shell of him. But I just nodded my head...

It has been a difficult day.

H has came home. I told him quickly that I had met with a lawyer today. He looked a little shocked. He asked if I had started D proceedings. I told him that I hadn't yet, but hadn't decided what I was going to do next. He had to leave for something, but said he wanted to talk about it later. Great...just what I need...

Sara