of course I am not pleased to hear that you think h is doing yard work to avoid spending time with me...that sounds to me like your opinion and not the facts...and if it is the fact that's pretty stupid cause there sure are other ways for h to avoid spending time with me than busting his ass out in the yard...btw fyi this is a new home (just three years) new lot etc...so there certainly is more to the yard work than just your typical yard work..we do not have any fancy beds or work like that in the yard...as a matter of fact the few mulched areas we do have were taken care of this weekend by an employee and fil (who also happens to be an employee) and next weekend the one flower bed that we do have (was created simply due to the drainage of the land) will be planted next weekend by fil...so then you may ask what is h doing??? well lately when he gets home from work..he's not out in the yard..he did the bulk of it before the busy season...what h is doing now is working in an area he cleared to get us a pool...(doing this to avoid the kids and I?? or doing this to ensure we have a nice place to spend our time during the hot summer days??) it's a large area...we took down a bunch of trees (and yes he had an employee come up and help. the whole project will probably take him all summer but he will do it in bits and pieces...sure he could tell all his customers to go screw and pay his employees to spend a week up here getting it all done..but this is HIS home and there is some satisfaction in doing it yourself..plus no money would be made that way anyway..so on some weekends he has an employee or two that are looking for extra $ come up and help out with the grunt work. as far as cutting the lawn...since h HAS deligated out the cutting of his 150+ lawn customers he doesn't get to cut and so enjoys cutting his own lawn..occassionally during the summer the employees will come up and irrate or some other odd task.
I spent to much time thinking h was working on home improvements or paying bills as a means to avoid spending time with me poe...it's just not the right attitude to take. sorry.
Quote: BUSINESS- Most entrepuor sp cannot transition to a bigger business, they get to involved in the details and end up wasting time and spending too much time at the job, because they feel they need to control everything. He needs to hire a manger for the business. Needs to think as a manager and say can this activity I am doing be done cheaper by my employee. As far as the estimates, a local salesman can easily do that for a commission. He is the typical male who defines his identity by his work. Make agreement to he be home by 6pm, and you are willing to have less money because of that. He needs to be more efficient of his time.
currently h is home by 7 and as the summer comes along there are days when h is home at 3...he needs to be more efficient with his time??? it would cost less to pay someone else to do it for him??? not likely..it would cost more and be more aggrivating in the long run...I know what it is h is having to deal with...sure there are some things that he could delegate..for example he could have put someone else in charge of the fertilizing.
look what it comes down to is this...there are some people who run a business...hire a bunch of joes to get the work done..hire out this...hire out that..you call a company called smiths such and such..to do such and such for you but you never once meet or hear from mr.smith ...a bunch of shmucks come and do the job, they do an ok job cause after all they aren't mr. smith...so why would they go the extra to ensure customer satisfaction??
my h is mr smith...his companies name is smiths such and such...you call...you speak to him...you want the job done right..you want to be treated with respect..and get the best for your money..you hire him...if you just want a half ass job done by some guy who just wants to get paid and will not be there when you need it..you call some other joe who hires out everything...
it's up to h to figure it out..I'm not enabling him..I'm living my life and trying not to let his being busy effect me..I've tried the complaining about it before and that got me to a place where h had and a and ultimately left the kids and I...so pppplbbb....he's trying to avoid me you say??? I say you don't know h and what he's all about..so he's a tad old fashion in that he wants to provide everything for his family...so he works hard to do so...so it doesn't allow for him to have much of a life..he doesn't complain about it...would I be happier if h didn't work so much but then was hanging out with the boys all the time??? I'd rather it this way.
I think at this point you can sense that you've hit a nerve poe....h does make the time...just not in the spring...and I understand that!!
now just imagine how h feels when I go off on him. HA HA HA!!!
actualy it is just that I'm tired of people not understanding h's job...the pressure...etc...
when I went on the trip to florida..h brought us to the airport..he was rather bummed that he wouldn't be comming..one of my traveling companions commented on the fact that he "couldn't" come...I said it's just not a good time of year for him to get off...friend said...but when "is" a good time of year...I think a jaw dropped when I said...july..august...september...the winter...right now would be the equivilant of a school principal taking vacation the second week of the school year...ya just don't do it.
It's funny, LL, but as much as we snot and bawl about our SO, we still have times when we realize that they have feelings too. And yes, their life is no bed of roses.
What a concept, eh?
There were times when people posted to me that they hated the way my W treats me and told me in no uncertain terms that they really didn't like my W.
But they only heard what I felt, didn't they?
And despite the way my W "treats me", I still love her.
Doesn't that say something?
I'm not a masochist. If there was nothing to love about my W, I wouldn't love her.
Quote: I think he is using the yard to avoid spending time with you.
Quote: Again he is using the work to avoid spending time with you.
poe,
just wanted to thank you for bringing me backt to the reality that my h just doesn't give a damn about me and the kids..just wants a nice house and to live HIS life..and won't put in the extra effort to be there for me!!
now I'll go back to being a misserable lonely housewife!!!
LOL at you, LL!!! Man, you can get your dander up! Nobody complains about my husband but ME!!! Tee hee.
LL, sounds to me like you DO have a general sense of when things will slow down for your H. And I TOTALLY get the concept of being part of your business. As a psychologist, I could have made more $$ if I hired other therapists and took a percentage of what they earned, etc. etc. In a few years, that is. But I wanted to be a THERAPIST. Not a "business owner" (as you said, you call Smith's such and such and someone Smith hired works with you and you never actually meet or even see Smith). I could have written my notes during the session and booked people closer togehter. limited my sessions to 45min. (the least amt billable to ins. companies for a full session), or done 2 half-hour sessions instead of one 50-60 min. session each hour. The insurance companies are pushing many therapists into a financial situation where they fell they have to do that. I wasn't going to treat my clients like cash cows and herd them through just so I could bill the hours.
Anyway, that's a little of my soap box. Good for your H for keeping his sight on what he really wants to be doing. BUT, I'm almost positive he could have someone doing practically ALL the paperwork for him and save $$$. Or atleast gain time with you, for very little extra cost to the business.
If he hasn't had a course in running his own business, please encourage him to take one (next winter!!). I know our Chamber of Commerce in our city has one for not too much money ($100?) that lasts for 8 weeks one evening a week. Had a friend who is running his own computer animation/graphics business who took it and highly encouraged me to do so. I didn't, because I had kids and didn't feel I needed help running the business aspect of my practice. But I bet your H would be able to eliminate a lot of the stress he has - feeling like there are not enough hours in the day. Not a good way to live. We all have THE SAME NUMBER OF HOURS in our day! It's all about how you use them.
Even a course by Stephen Covey about time management (well, there's a good example of Mr. Smith farming out all the work - isn't there a huge conglomeration of "Covey seminars" and he's probably not at 10% of them??? Anyway, more suggestions for H, who is working hard and God bless him, wants to do well for himself, his family, and his customers.
Give him a big hug!
and here's one for you, too.....(((((((((LL)))))))))))
Oh, and back to my original point - don't lose sight of the seasonal aspect of his work! That is SO tough...knowing you have to earn AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE NOW because when the drought hits, or the winter months, or whatever, there could be NOTHING coming in. Go back and read that post where you were complaining about not knowing when H's schedule would let up. Sounds like maybe his frustration/fatigue was getting you down at that point. Try to be aware of that, and don't go there with him. Remind him how it will let up soon, and that you'll be so glad when you can spend more time with him!
Glad you love your H so much - he's lucky! And, well, so are you
Quote: Poster: Sadbuthopefulsam Subject: Re: I have to let go of h
LOL at you, LL!!! Man, you can get your dander up! Nobody complains about my husband but ME!!! Tee hee.
well it depends..certainly if someone wants to talk bad about him they certainly can but they should know for certain what they are talking about.
yes I agree that h works too much...but that's him...what I don't agree with is that h is doing so to avoid spending time with me...it's not deliberate...it's not intentional..h would much rather be at home relaxing...to tell me that my h is working to avoid me is undermining and frankly just not nice...
now if I had been giving all kinds of examples of h being a jerk...and no examples of expressions from h that he's stressed and not liking being away (lest not forget h not so long ago told me he was feeling depressed about the kids and I going away..and also about not being around much)
I spent way to much time thinking that h was trying to avoid me..I don't need to be pulled back there because some people don't understand it.
maybe as time goes by h will delegate more and more parts of his business..as far as having someone else do ALL the paper work?? I've talked with him about it several times over the years and he has very valid reasons why there are just some parts of it that are best left to him.
Way to go LL...I don't know Poe..but I don't think he knows quite what he's talking about. Sounds like an angry person to me.
I am glad to hear you defend your h, sure says ALOT about your feelings for him. I find myself defending my h to my family, as they think he has done so wrong..they only want to believe what they want to..so let them.
I can understand your h working so hard to build a bussiness..a successful, respectable one...not a fly by night..rip you off..half a$$ job of one. Hang in there ..
LL, I've neen reading your posts and cannot beleive the similarities in our H.! It is so unerving to want someone to give you a crumb of atention and they can't muster up the energy or worse yet-don't realize that you even need it! People forget WHY they get married and stop doing those things they did together before they got married. I used to watch my H sleep on the couch ALL the time. A night at home alone together was one him sleeeping and me wathcing a movie by myself and waking him up to go to bed. Yeah-what a life. I'm not trying to feed you reasons to be angry at your H. for not meeting your needs, but I'm damn mad that mine met mine before we were married and for a long time and then decided to meet the needs of another woman. He may still be for all I know. He says he isn't but he has proven himself to be a liar several times over so I don't believe what he says anymore. I'm detaching myself from caring. Why? Self survival. I WANT love. He is not providing in anyway to me but financially. I hate that I have to take that from him but I figure if that's all he has to give I'll take it. I think there is a serious breakdown in the chemistry that existed at one time when this happens to a couple. When another person becomes involved it's all the harder to get it back. In my case maybe impossible. It's entirely up to him. I wash my hands of the times I'll talk till I'm blue in the face trying to get this man to comprehend my needs and what he willingly gave to the other woman instinctively. What you said of trying to talk to your husband and him getting frustrated rang so true for me. It could have been our life you were speaking of.(probably alot of others on here as well) Point is, after you try so many times to get them to see what you need from them and they CANNOT or WILL not listen you drift into an existance of maintaining the same space. Sorry, I choose NOT to live that way. I want my M as much as anyone on this board, but not if it means a life of a meaningless relationship. Heck, my dogs show me more affection than he did, and he even used that against me saying I treat the damn dogs better than him. I guess I'm really up on my soap box-sorry LL, but your sitch was so like mine. It was a bittersweet thing when my H left this last time. Sad because of what it USED to be, and what I WANT it to be, but it's NOT. Glad because I don't have any expectations anymore-zip, zero. Glad because I don't have to be sitting right next to the one I love yet can't have him. Glad because it allows me to move forward. I put so much energy into trying to be what HE wanted and you know what? It wasn't good enough. I could give you a list of the things he gave me for leaving, but they are so ludicrous I won't even bother. What I did learn is that they are all excuses for one thing and one thing alone. He DOES NOT WANT to be with me. I am the same me I have always been-only trying harder to please him. I think when they are with another person that makes them feel important and alive it takes away from the M and wether or not you can ever get it back is anyone's call. I say get it back-something was gone before it got to that point. The OP only elivates the distance between you and you S. S liking the feeling the the OP gives them. Oh....I do go on don't I? I have changed my mind in that sometimes you just can't get it back.I used to think if you once were in love then you could. When you can't get it back is when one partner is not as interested in trying as the other. Or BLAMES the other partner instead of taking their part of the responsibility for the breakdown. If they refuse to take any responsiblity and continue to blame, the relationship is doomed. I'm not saying that a person can't change LATER, but while that particular behavior still exists the relationship will not move forward-it will deteriorate. If any of you are like me and LL post hit a nerve because it sounds like your life too you will be understand what I am saying. I'm going to stop now even though I could go on. I think I've said more than enough for one night. I want to say one more thing in that I told my H that leaving was not an option for me. Obviously it was for him,but under our circumstances I cannot say I am totally sorry he left. It will either make or break us,but at least it will get us out of the rut we were in! Again-sorry LL. You know how you just have to get those strong feelings out there sometimes! Rachael
