Hi, LL...I guess the doing-your-own-thing doesn't work very well when he just wants to sleep. DOes he like his job? Does he feel pressure as the breadwinner? Why is he so tired so much? Maybe I need to read back on your threads...
Is there anything the two of you can get on board with to change - maybe not so much your relationship, but your sitch in some other way? He sounds so unhappy, and I KNOW you're unhappy. Breaks my heart to hear it. There just has to be a better way! Wish I knew a magic spell for ya. he!!, wish Iknew a magic spell for ME!!!! Doulbe he!!, I'd share it with EVERYONE!!!!!!
CHin up, darlin'. My kids are 3 & 5. I think it's going to get easier soon. We're DEFINITELY not having any more. Everyone tells you it's so hard. Everyone tells you you won't know until you have your own. I wouldn't have NOT had kids, but I sure wish it wasn't so hard! They're good kids, though. That's a blessing. Healthy and intelligent and just good. Thank God.
I'm feelin a little uninspired - depressed & withdrawn. I hope it's not coming through TOO much here...Maybe we both need to tell each other 3 good things about our families and our daily lives?!?
Peace! Sam
P.S. Thanks for my name! I thought silly alien monkey was standard/long-standing lingo around here. Feels kinda special to know I got something hot-off-the-press! My birthday is Halloween, and I always liked Samantha on Bewitched...named my daughter after her! (and my Sister, who's middle name is a family sirname that sounds kind of like Samantha). It's kind of special for me to be Sam for those reasons, too!
Quote: I guess the doing-your-own-thing doesn't work very well when he just wants to sleep.
nope...just kinda gives him justification for sleeping and then it can get thrown back at me that I went here or there and all he does is work..
Quote: DOes he like his job?
he loves his job...it was his childhood dream...I don't think he always likes the pressure it brings..but I know he wouldn't change it for anything.
Quote: Why is he so tired so much?
who knows...some would say it's his work..he does after all leave the house before 6am and often doesn't return til 7pm..but then even in the winter months when he's not so busy he is still apt to fall asleep...maybe it's something pshychological..or maybe it's just his ethnicity "they" are sleepers..
Quote: He sounds so unhappy, and I KNOW you're unhappy.
I would assume that he would say he's happy...he's just not happy when I'm not happy...
Quote: I'm feelin a little uninspired - depressed & withdrawn. I hope it's not coming through TOO much here...Maybe we both need to tell each other 3 good things about our families and our daily lives?!?
np, I feel this way much of the time...3 good things sound like a great idea...do they have to be different each day??
1. son no longer wearing pull ups to bed...I believe so far (4 nights) succesfully dry.
2. son invited to a b-day party at a kids gym today
3. one of my good friends and I are getting together tonight.
I am a tad confused...things still don't seem right...is it me again thinking the worst?? thinking I'm just being taken along for the ride?? is h really just tired from work? is h really working this much?? how many estimates can one company have?? just starting to not trust h going to work anymore...he's gone to work today...not surprising as he has always worked saturdays but what his plans are for the day...estimates and paperwork?? wtf has he been doing that he still has more paperwork..his reason for leaving so early in the am is to get to the shop get some paperwork done before the crews arive...gee then it doesnt' seem to be working because he still is spending an hour or two at it in the evening too?? but I'll leave that one alone for a while...I'm just getting sick of him not getting home til 7 every night...
so you guessed it h fell asleep last night while watching the movie...I take it personally...try not to...didn't let h know..but I'm sure he could sense something...
I just don't know anymore..
I did wake him up when we finally went up to bed...but he was so dazed that he didn't even realize how long we had been upstairs...and there's also the fact that lately he doesn't kiss me much. always the exuse of just woke up bad breath...I tell him that I don't care..h says he cares...well I just don't like the way that settles with me..
anyway...
I'm just tired of thinking about things..tired of wondering if the "it" is here for h..
Perhaps you are reading too much into everything and being so absorbed with analyzing things that you are stressing yourself out and moving away from being a joy to be around. Recreate a positive, nurturing atmosphere and try to trust that what your H is saying is true. Just let things happen and go with the flow. Reading too much into things can drive you crazy.
Quote: Perhaps you are reading too much into everything and being so absorbed with analyzing things that you are stressing yourself out and moving away from being a joy to be around. Recreate a positive, nurturing atmosphere and try to trust that what your H is saying is true. Just let things happen and go with the flow. Reading too much into things can drive you crazy.
you are so right!!
what was different about when h first came home??? I just let things be...I just went with the flow...I didn't analyze everything and therefore h was more comfortable being himself...and I liked that guy!!!
so back to just going with the flow..
but then what if I don't happen to like the way the flow is going?? what if I'm bored...lonely...sad...etc...well I guess I can answer that myself...deal with it!! right??
Quote: so you guessed it h fell asleep last night while watching the movie...I take it personally...try not to...didn't let h know..but I'm sure he could sense something...
ok folks..I've made a decision...sure the next time we try to watch a movie and h falls asleep I'll take it personally but instead of taking it as I'm too boring for him to stay awake for I will take it personally that he chose to stay on the couch with me..despite the fact that he's tired and would sleep more comfortably in bed!!
ok?
I'm trying to think possitive...
when h is working out in the yard (this new project is huge and will probably take most of the summer) I will not take it personally as he's doing it to avoid the me and the kids..I will take it personally that he's doing the work so that the kids and I can have an enjoyable yard to be in...so that when h and I entertain we will have a nice yard to do so in...so now when h is working in the yard I will not look at it as he's being taken away from me "us" but that he is with us while he's doing it..every lift of the shovel..every muscle he strains...he's doing it with love in mind..love for his family..and the desire to give to them something to enjoy..and yes he will enjoy it too...
Way to go LL,I'll bet there is something you could outside with H on the project if no more than being in charge of refreshments.You keep up the positives
I knew if I kept reading that you would rationalize your feelings..all which are very valid. When I read what your h does do, I picture a hard working, self employed guy..who has a bussiness that takes up most of his waking time right now and yet you say he has time to work in your own yard. I don't mean to say poor h, what is LL thinking!!!But we have a tendancy when we have been hurt and angry to only look for what we don't have, yet it could be there and we don't realize it.
It is great that you are able to step back and think through your feelings.
Make more time for just you..I know that being home all day with little ones is trying in it's self...that is when I used to resent if my h wanted to do anything outside of "us", and that has contributed to our breakdown now. You both need time apart and of course time alone together..so hard to fit it all in.
Hi, LL! Good job on the three things -hope you had fun out with your friend!
Ok, so here are three for me (different day, I guess new ones each day is a good idea...):
1) My husband loves me very much and has started making time even when he is tired & allergy-ridden
2) My kids are healthy and happy and (generally) well-behaved...
3) I am taking time for myself, to heal and get strong again.
That is hard to do without saying...yeah, but I don't have a job, yeah, but the house is a mess stil.....
So I won't say those things...heh, heh...
Good job about changing your assumptions. But you also do need more time with H when he is awake and energetic. Sounds like you're just getting the dregs. Would he agree with that and try to give you at least a little bit of time - even if you have to do it on a "monthly" rather than a "weekly" basis...it's SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOOOOOOO hard when you have little ones. And, it helps me to remember sometimes, that marriage is for the long haul, MOST couples are less happy with their marriages when the kids are little, and MOST couple's relationship improves as the kids get older. So if it's a couple of years of being tired and worn out, that IS sort of short in the big picture. But, boy, being stuck in this part of the big picture is sure TOUGH!
You're doing great with the DBing. Be sure to THANK H for staying on the couch with you even when he's so tired and would probably be more comfortable in bed, and same for working on the yard. See how he responds. That can help you know if your attitude/ASSumption is correct! If you can, if it's not too much R talk, ASK him about your assumptions...."sometimes I feel like you only leave the most tired times of day for me, but then I tell myself how great it is that you're here and that you're willing to keep me company on the couch when you're really so tired..." Again, see how he responds??
1. last night (stayed in with friend, h rested or rather feel asleep on the couch upstairs, I took it as instead of him being antisocial being there waiting to go up to sleep at the same time as me) h helped me change son and sons bed..son not doing to well on the staying dry at night. I thanked h for the help.
2. h thanked me for breakfast and gave me a nice greeting in the am.
3. despite the fact that h would rather stay home and work in the yard today this afternoon he will be joining the kids and I at a family function. (I know he's bummed, had made mention of wanting to go look at a shed tonight but alas we will be busy with the family function that somehow didn't get communicated to him) I am happy because in the past he would have opted to stay home and have the kids and I go alone.
4 (ya I know we said three but this one is a good one) this am I said..my back hurts..h said...must be getting close to that time..it is that time I said..h said sorry. (shows h is paying attention to me and knows certain schedules and signs)
I could list more but I'll rest with that.
Quote: Would he agree with that and try to give you at least a little bit of time - even if you have to do it on a "monthly" rather than a "weekly" basis
we already do get out once a month...I'm hoping to make it a bit more...as I said I'd be happy even if we didn't go out but were to stay awake here and do something...but again for right now h IS busy with work...things will settle down again soon...h expresses his frustrations with it as well.
Quote: You're doing great with the DBing. Be sure to THANK H for staying on the couch with you even when he's so tired and would probably be more comfortable in bed, and same for working on the yard. See how he responds. That can help you know if your attitude/ASSumption is correct! If you can, if it's not too much R talk, ASK him about your assumptions...."sometimes I feel like you only leave the most tired times of day for me, but then I tell myself how great it is that you're here and that you're willing to keep me company on the couch when you're really so tired..." Again, see how he responds??
in trying to explain to h my "love languages" I have also expressed what I think his are..or rather how he is currently showing me...I let him know how much I appreciate his work in the yard by helping him (and I let him know that's why I help him) by complimenting him on the great job he does, by supporting him when he's tired and frustrated...etc.
he's happier when I'm accepting and appreciative of his offerings and those times are when I am more likely to get a pat on the but or a quick hug.
of course this week it will be easier for me to be physcially affectionate with him becuase he will know that I am not seeking sex (but then again that's not totally out anyway just that I'm not expecting it)
