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(((((((Kris)))))))

How ya doing today? Hope you are feeling much better.

Thanks for checking in on me GF.

I have been in a funk the past few days(both because of H and work), so I have just kind of kept to myself and stayed away from the boards.

Tuesday night I texted H.
Me: "Have you thought anymore about our living arrangements?" (He was the one that initially brought it up so I just wanted to let him know I was thinking about it.)
H: "Not since the other day when we talked about it."
Me: "Well, can we talk about it?"
H: "Sure, we can talk about it.
Me: "When?"
H: "Well, I am meeting some frinds tonight but don't plan on staying too late. Maybe when I get home if it's not too late?
Me: "Just call me"
H: "ok"

Well, he never called...until today. He just called me at work and said ...."uh, any idea when we are going to get that stimulus check?" I told him it was just deposited today. We had already talked about this and he had said that I should keep it all since I have paid 2 months of his rent and 3 car payments...not to mention paying for the house by myself. Anyway, the way he was talking...seemed he was assuming I was giving him half. He said "I can pay off my credit card and that will be one bill gone" Ummm...no, if it goes on any credit card it will go on the JOINT one that I am paying by myself, not the one that he and OW maxed out!

So basically he hasn't called me all week...until he wanted something. Then he is energetic and just as nice as he can be.

I am just back in that state of mind that I don't think I can do this. He isn't willing to do what I need. Yes, he was good there for a couple of weeks....but I need more than a couple of weeks. I really am thinking I am done. Even if he still says he wants to work on it I think I am done.

On another note, I went to the Dr. today for my annual female checkup. About five years ago I had surgery for a rare condition I have. I am not going to try to explain it because I don't understand it all myself. There is nothing dangerous about it, just something that was just uncomfortable so I had repaired, and I thought it was done.

Everytime I go to the dr. they are fascinated, I guess because it is rare. This is a new dr. today since I just moved. Well, after he examines me he asked if anyone has ever really explained it to me, I said sort of, but i never really understood. Well, he comes back with textbooks to explain this to me. He is showing me pictures. He said IF I ever get pregnate then it will be a very difficult pregnancy and I almost certainly wouldn't be able to carry the baby to term and I would need to be monitored very closely (I have been told this before, without the IF part). So I said "Do you think I would have difficulty getting pregnant?" He said "I can't know for sure until we do some x-rays,....then he flipped the book to the front and said "but there is a reason that your condition is in the infertility book."

He said, there is more to it though. He said my kidneys could be affected, and was very surprised that no one had ever mentioned this to me before. He said since I haven't had any problems so far it could be that everything is fine, but I should get everything checked out just to be sure.

Ok, I am sorry for the book. One good thing about my week...it is Friday!

TGIF!!!!!!!

(((Kris)))

Only you will know when you are done. And if you are, then that's totally fine.

BUT, his withdrawal is natural after a couple weeks of spending so much time together. It is part of the "normal" cycle for WASs'.

Did you remind him that you were keeping all the stimulus check? Or just say you were putting it towards the joint card? That sort of thing should be out in the open, no emotion, it's just finances.

I wonder if he's freaked out about a planned R talk and is avoiding you while he thinks?

How did your H react to your medical problems when they happened? Was maybe not having kids something he always accepted or do you think that is/was an issue for him?

I am happy you are here and healthy! (((Kris)))

I know the withdrawel is normal, but really...how long does it continue?

Maybe he did freak out about the planned R talk. It just irritates me. He was the one that brought up moving in together. Maybe he is rethinking.

When we talked about the check before he asked if he could just get a playstation game out of it and then I could have the rest (I know...that is REALLY what he needs), and I said yes. He did get the message today that I wasn't going to half it with him. So then he said "So, we gonna go get my present tonight?!?" I just told him I don't know. I just feel like he is only nice to me when he wants something.


You know, H is very adamant about NOT having kids....but he used to really want them. Now that you mention it, I am trying to pinpoint when his attitude changed. I found out about the possible infertility/complications when H was in Iraq. I was devastated. I had to tell H this over the phone, and I remember he didn't say much. I remember being very upset because I needed him to comfort me, but he just kind of acted like it was no big deal. Maybe that was his way of showing me that it wasn't an issue for him...or maybe it was his way of trying to not let it be an issue.

My H has also been adament about not having kids the last 1 1/2 yrs. He always wanted 3 before that. I think it's a symptom of the problems in the M rather than a belief change - i.e. they don't feel stable enough in the R to make that commitment anymore.

If your H is anything like my H, he didn't say anything because there wasn't anything you could do about it, so he withdrew to work through his own emotions, thus not providing you any support. He probably also hasn't really come to terms with a lot of that - he's probably been avoiding it.

While he brought up living together, neither of us has any idea what he's thinking now. Also, you have no idea what he thinks you are going to say. He may be thinking you are going to say no or tell him not to bother because you are going to file for D. Guys do tend to freak out when they know we want to talk about the R and predict the worst. Hell, I do it too when my H wants to talk after this last year.

I went to lunch with H today. It was not good. I was already mad at him for only calling me when he wants something. We had gotten into an argument about it yesterday.

So today maybe I screwed up, but I really don't care. I really don't even remember everything I said, I was pretty mad. I brought up OW. He finally admitted he had sex with her. I knew it anyway, I just wanted him to tell me the truth. He also told me that she is wanting to come here to visit him, that she said she wanted to come here because she was worried about us getting back together. He said that he told her he didn't think it was a good idea, but who knows what he really told her.

I don't know why he told me that, but he said it mean. It was like he was trying to hurt me. I am done. He is still talking to her. He says he wants to work on us, but his actions don't say so. He won't go to counseling, he won't read the book, he won't move back in together, and he won't talk about anything...just gets angry at me if I dare mention anything. I may just be mad right now but I think I am seriously considering filing for divorce this week. I don't want him. I deserve better. I deserve someone who wants me back.

I also want to call OW. I need to get it out of my system. I have never called her, just sent her a text message one time.

I probably didn't even write anything coherant. I am furious right now.

((((((Kris))))))) You do deserve for him to treat you better. You deserve for him to want you back. And maybe making him work for it is what needs to happen.

Remember the 48 hr rule, don't do anything while you're angry. Take a couple days to decide if you really want to file and what your motivations would be - i.e. because you are completely done vs. the beyond the LRT with a hope of shocking him into action.

I don't see what contacting OW will do. You already know what you need to know. And telling her off will only make you feel better temporarily.

Yes, I remember the 48 hour rule. Thing is, I have been thinking about if I really want to file for a while now. I am not trying to shock him into action.

He was so mean to me yesterday. I just don't understand that. It's like I am just not supposed to be mad at him for anything he did. I am not supposed to bring anything up. I am just supposed to get over it. There is no way I can get over it without talking about it....and he won't talk about it....says it does no good, so I don't see how we would ever get anywhere.

I think there is a fundamental problem with men who have As trying to repair their R later. First, men don't normally like to talk. Second, they like to fix things. So, not only is it not something he'd like to talk about, it's something that he doesn't know how to fix, and he caused the problem to begin with. I think his attitude of getting over it applies just as much to him as to you. He's dealing with his guilt in the only way he knows how.

In either case, I know that you have tried so hard to save your M. And I won't judge you no matter what you decide to do.

(((Kris)))

Hey Kris,

I don't think I've posted to you before, but I always read your thread. You and Michelle give each other such great support.

Something you said resonated with me....



.....and reminded me of the way that men support each other- by downplaying problems and making out like they're no big deal, whereas what we would do (girls) is to show support and sympathy. Could H have been doing that?

On the other note, of the D, you've put up such a good fight for your M and been so patient. I don't think anyone would blame you for filing if that's what you want to do.

L.xx