what it comes down to is a matter of convenience...when it's convenient to h...he will be an awesome husband..one that everyone would be jelous of..but becuase it is only when it's convenient for him it just doesn't carry through..
so then I can sit and say that when my h has the time or it's convenient for him he shows me love in a way that I fell loved...when it's convenient for him to spend qt with me he will...when it's convenient for him to show me physical affection he will...when it's convenient...
what if I took that attitude...when it's convenient for me I'll cook dinner...when it's convenient for me I'll change dd's diaper..when it's convenient for me I'll make h's lunch...when it's convenient for me I'll be available to spend time with h...when it's convenient for me I'll thank h for working so hard..when it's convenient for me I'll do make h feel loved...
I'm tired of this game...I'm tired of waiting til it's convenient...
here's a perfect example...
earlier this week h said...maybe fri night we'll go out and look for the shed cause I really want a shed... I let him know we may have to ask his dad to sit as his mother is away and my mother is busy...also let him know that I have plans for sat night....today is thurs...I ask h if he's asked his dad about comming over tommorow night...well see how the day goes tommorow...ok gee thanks so depending on how your day goes we may spend some time together...never mind the fact that we haven't spent any real time together all week...if it's not convenient for you to do something with me tommorow (mind you it would be goig shopping for a shed for you) we'll just wait another week....
I'm tired of this life...why did I marry this man anyway...I knew this was the way it would be...why did I think that it would be any different...oh ya cause I was told it would be...I was given crumbs along the way feeding me into this lie...and now I'm stuck in it...it's a shitty cycle and I don't like it...thing is...it will never change no matter what I do...h is too preoccupied with himself to care what I do...
As you may have noticed, I haven't been around much. Meatless posts on my own thread. But this thread of yours...oh geez...I'm feeling some of the same things.
I so understand your feelings of sure we can survive...but is it enough???? CJ and I haven't been intimate in over a month. He says ILY a lot, but other things...well like I said just know you're not alone with these doubts and longings.
Quoting sage: Andy (sorry to hijack your thread, LL) -- I'm so sorry about your daughter. How is she doing now?
I don’t want to hijack LL’s thread either, but since you asked, she seems to be doing OK. Thanks for asking Sage.
When my mother died 31 years ago, I picked up a pebble from her grave. I carried it with me ever since then. I even used to shower with it. When I felt down, I placed it in the palm of my hand. Rubbed it. Felt close to my mom. Last night I gave it to DD#2. She was at school when she tried to OD. I’m hoping that if she ever feels alone in the world, she can feel the warmth of the grandmother she never met.
Anyway, like I said, my intention is not to hijack LL’s thread.
LL,
I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to say to you. I guess it’s simply this… You’re making sweeping statements about how your H is preoccupied with himself and doesn’t care about you. I think that perhaps the first is true but I’m not so sure about the second part.
I wouldn’t presume to know what makes your H so self-preoccupied, but whatever it is, that’s the way it is in his head right now. Right or wrong, he can’t put the energy into thinking of anyone but himself.
Right now, my W is in the same mindset. Our DD’s sit forced both of us to think outside the box. But to my shame, I still can’t stop thinking about how bad my M has gotten. In DD’s hour of need, I still feel the lack of mutual support that W and I would previously give each other. I still feel the hurt when W seeks that support from someone else.
But that’s just the way it is.
Will it change? I don’t know.
So, I have to work on the assumption that it will not change.
I guess that’s what you have to do to.
But both of us have to leave the door open. It might just change. We simply don’t know.
I don't mind at all you "hi jacking" my thread...anytime feel free...I am truly sorry for the pain your dd is in and hope that she can come to terms with whatever demons she's currently facing.
as far as your sit..I am sorry that things are not well for you...
I hope that one day we can all have the r's we are seeking...and hopefully they will be with our spouses..for now I suppose all we can do is be our best.
I know that my h does care about me...I know that part of the problem has been that he does care and does try but that it is in his way...when I ask for my way...it is a slap in the face to him...
last night we did have a tif...it was the same old same old..you're not around..I feel alone..yada yada yada...h gets very frustrated with this..and I get very frustrated with this as well..especially since I have it made up in my mind that h was giving all that I want to ow...perhaps he was not and I just assume that he was...I don't know...
eventually h and I did hug...and h said...I know you are hurting LL and I'm sorry for that...I don't want you to hurt anymore...I am just being me...
I don't exactly know what to make of that statement other than perhaps h does love me and is showing me that he loves me and is working toward that "connection" but becuase it's not my way and because I'm waiting for my way..(and am getting it on occassion) I'm not always confident in it.
Quoting lostlove: eventually h and I did hug...and h said...I know you are hurting LL and I'm sorry for that...I don't want you to hurt anymore...I am just being me...
I don't exactly know what to make of that statement other than perhaps h does love me and is showing me that he loves me and is working toward that "connection" but becuase it's not my way and because I'm waiting for my way..(and am getting it on occassion) I'm not always confident in it.
LL -- Am I being too literal here????? Why would you have to "make" anything of h's statement to you? Why not take it for exactly what he says?
I know you are hurting I am sorry for that I don't want to hurt you any more I am just being me
Recognition for what you are going through. Regret that you are hurting. A desire to not hurt you again. And, a statement that he is just being him...as he must be.
I feel so sad when I read of you struggling. Not knowing whether to accept this r...wanting more (or different) ... recognizing some of the good stuff you have but still not quite sure.
I still hear anger and confusion and fear (all ASSumptions on my part) regarding h's a -- was it a PA after all and did he not give her what you want now in terms of intimacy?? Is that where you are? If so, I can see how that would feel like a blocker for you -- even if not consciously.
Isn't another c appointment coming up? any thoughts on bringing up some of the topics at hand?
Did ya crack open Mars and Venus yet???
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Found your new thread w/the same old complaints! Now I know why my W dumped me, she sounded just like you, except for the sex part, as you know! Will you be happier alone, or in another relationship? You keep telling me my W won't be, will you be an exception, or will W?
You've been DB'ing long enough to know that it is not H's job to make you happy! That's your job! Men think if they provide a house, food, security, steady income, work hard, they have done their part! What the hell else do you want? Women expect to much!
At least that's I felt until W left me! Now I know she not only did she expect more, she deserved more, and now OG is giving it to her! Maybe that's the wake up call H needs BEFORE you have an EXIT affair! Get a L, file the papers, and never speak to him again! HE WILL FEEL THE PAIN!
A Husband Shopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband.
It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.
There is, however, a catch.
You're only allowed in once.
Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor.
If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door says:
Floor 1:
These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman reads the sign.
"Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign says:
Floor 2:
These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.
"Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3:
These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.
"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!"
And so again, she goes up.
On the fourth floor the sign reads:
Floor 4:
These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think... what must be awaiting me further up?"
So up to the fifth floor she goes.
The sign on that door says:
Floor 5:
This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.
Quote: I still hear anger and confusion and fear (all ASSumptions on my part) regarding h's a -- was it a PA after all and did he not give her what you want now in terms of intimacy?? Is that where you are? If so, I can see how that would feel like a blocker for you -- even if not consciously.
he already did share one of the most important parts of intimacy with her...quality time...they hung out together..sure h was home at night..but during the day admititeddly by him he was at her house 3x a week for a half hour or more...just hanging out...being a friend...calling her every day...just chatting..I don't feel like I get that from him. I'm sure that when he went to her house..they were not sitting watching tv..he was not working in the yard..he was not distracted at the puter researching this or that...he was attentive to her and her to him...if they were physical well that's just the whole bag of worms now isn't it...after all what is it that LL wants...to spend qt with her h...and to be touched in a loving way.
sure it's a blocker...h has nothing to say about it...it's in the past...don't make comparisions...that was then...I'm home now...etc etc etc...
Quote: Isn't another c appointment coming up? any thoughts on bringing up some of the topics at hand?
c appointment is next thurs night...actually c is already bringing up these topics...I just need to keep my big mouth shut and let him address it with h...speek when spoken too will have to be my mantra in the office...maybe it will make more sense to h if he hears it from anther and I don't join in to "attack"
Quote: Did ya crack open Mars and Venus yet???
I know, I know, but I can't help but not want to do it alone...it would be nice if h would be willing to hear some of it too...he was receptive to it when he first came home...now he just looks at the books and says...I'm not reading this stuff...
LL,After a long talk with X yesterday I sat down and started reading DR again and maybe it would help your sit. It talks alot about doing just the reverse that S is expecting.I don't remember for sure how long you have been doing this but I am almost to my 3rd year mark.And even though we are D it is still much the same as yours,I guess it was before we were D but it was her that didn't seem to give what I wanted.I still haven't given up just backed off. I think that someday she wants to be together again,just wants to come back on her terms.Don't give up,remember theres a difference in being lonely and alone.Try leaving the kids with him and going and do something if he doesn't want to go. I'll bet it won't take but a couple of times until he pokes his head out to see what is going on.Have a great weekend
Quote: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.
I am not asking for much....a little physical attention each or every other day and that doesn't have to lead to sexual contact...
a little quality time together each day even if it's just 20 min of hanging out talking about the day...
a "date" once a week and we don't even have to leave the house...I'd be happy to hang in the basement playing darts and having a drink or two...course on those nights sexual contact should be included...well at least a nice kiss anyway.
is that really too much??? really??? I don't think so...
