folks I'm tired of this ride.. tired of thinking about things... tired of waiting.. tired of wondering.. tired of just being the wife... tired of pretending that I am happy with this r when infact I am terribly bored with it.. tired of pretending that h and I should be together.. tired of being the good wife.. tired of keeping queit about my feelings... tired of making everything nice and easy for h.. tired of letting h call the shots... tired of accepting h's pathetic display.. tired of accepting that ow is STILL a customer.. tired of feeling like h is still in contact with ow to some degree..(she is after all a customer so there's their nice little excuse) tired of waiting for h to tell me he loves me.. tired of feeling like I was duped.. tired of hearing "don't ask me about hypotheticals" gee in other words..if not for the kids you wouldn't be here??? gee maybe if not for the kids I wouldn't be here either!!! tired of doing the right thing! tired of waiting to feel secure in this m tired of waiting for this m to once again be a m...in other words when the hell will h ask me to wear my rings??? never cause he doesn't want it bad enough.
this m never really was to begin with...he tore it apart in having his long running a..who gives a rat if it supposedly wasn't physical..might as well have been they spent so much damn time together...he left...he told me his true feelings...that he never in fact did love me the way he should...yada yada yada...it's all true..and ya know what..I don't even care anymore...I'll live here...let him live here...hell I'll even go out on occassion with him...we'll have parties and play nice couple and invite people over...do the family thing...even on occassion we'll be an actual couple..but you know what...I really don't even think I love this man...don't know if I ever really did either..sure he was nice..respectable..ambitious...family orriented...attractive..sensetive...compationate etc...but were we ever actually friends??? I don't think so..h has kept himself closed off from me for far to long...too long for me to even recall a time when I did know him..when I did feel confident and comfortable with him...now throw in the fact that he's in love with someone else..he left me for her...etc...and think that I will be comfortable with him? think that this r stands a chance? especially when you don't make the time for it..when you day in day out spend all your time and energy pouring yourself into your business...might as well still be seeing her every day...if your not it realy doesn't show...we are living in much the same fashion we did before I knew about her...only difference being I don't call you during the day...and I don't care what time you get home...
LL's done...sure there'll be some days when h is a great h..but the rest of the time LL is a single mother who sits at home alone...waiting for her opportunity to live...
h is in real big trouble...soon LL will be attending classes two nights a week...there will no doubt be men in the class..who will talk to LL...who will find her attractive..and we all know where that can lead..am I saying that I will knowingly set out to have an a??? nope..don't have to...people never do..after all h didn't set out to have an a with ow..she simply hired a landscaper and he simply went to work for a customer...things happen...difference being I was never told of any displeasure by h...h never expressed a need or desire for anything from me...I on the other hand have let h know time and time again what I need and want from him in the r...h just gives the "this is just me" well guess what h..."this is just me" is an attitude that will surely find you one day without your w..not that you'd mind or even notice anyway..you are either to thick in the head or it's true you really don't love her..you certainly aren't connected enough with her to be aware when somethings astray...so that will just be that...of course LL will not be stupid enough to have a pa..but after all ea's are apparently in h's mind exusable and unintentional so it's free game...
it just doesn't matter anymore
h is tired of trying too...if I don't just give up he will soon leave on his own anyway...or perhaps he wont leave he'll just continue on his path of self fullfillment and if he can stay away from ow then here is where he will stay..but if he cannot stay away from his love then leave again he will..this time there are no tears comming from LL's eyes...just a sadness that her h is so ignorant....he knows enough to give of himself to his business...is there for others..but when it comes to his family...they are left waiting..waiting...waiting....LL's done waiting..she's waited long enough...you've been warned h...I am expecting nothing from you what you give will be accepted but don't expect a reaction...soon LL will be empty when it comes to you...
a long time ago I was in love with h.... I fed that feeling by being there for him...supporting his goal of building a business...I helped him work before he had employees and fancy equiptment..before he had a computer I had addressed all the bills...I folded and stuff envelopes..I even went out and worked with him...when he move out of his house and in with a friend...I did his laundry..I cooked for him..cleaned for him...rubbed his back for him..sat and watched football with him...as time went on and I did more and more of these things for him and he did less and less in the way of being around for me to spend time with I enjoyed doing these things less and less but guessed it I still did them...why because I love him...I gave him cards...I expressed my appreciation for him etc etc etc...
I have been living a lie for a long long time...I have not been happy with this man for a long long time...I simply didn't know how to let go of him...I tried several times to break up with him...letting him know that I wanted more out of life than just the "stuff" he was promising me...the reason for his not being an active paritcipant in a r with me...he would swoon and pledge his love for me...I would fall for it and the ride began again...in time I would again feel empty and meaningless in his life...other than that of the "trophy" or "package"
I often expressed to h that I felt like I was just someone who fit into his plan...I looked good..could cook and clean and would make a good w...but as far as a friendship a connection..it just didn't seem like he wanted it or felt it for me...
h never understood this....
why I accepted his proposal I do not know..perhaps I believe it was his way of telling me he did love me and did infact want ME to be with him...
but alas it has been told to me by him that it was simply the next step...
what is this all about...more of the same I suppose...LL has been waiting for what was promised to her a long time ago...she's been waiting for the better part of 10 years...being that LL is only a young 30 that's pretty sad...h each year told me the next would be better that he'd have more and better help that he just needed to get this year under his belt and things would be better the next year...next year...when the summer comes...when the fall comes..when the winter comes...well next year will be better..next year I'll have more guys..ones who know the business..things will get better...
LL starts to believe h..to accept that she lives a good life and will get to share it with her h eventually...but then h throws a wrench in the machine and tells LL he's leaving..that he's in love with another..has been for a long time and in fact never did feel "that" way about LL.
so then why should LL stay around and keep waiting???
would it really be so hard for h to show LL that she's special to him..that she should wait around for him?? gee pick up the phone h...have some flowers sent to your w...you know she wants you to..infact you saw that she sent herself some a while ago...you told her those things will come in time...in time...times running out for you h...LL's tired of waiting....she wants to live and love and she wants to do it now!!!
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote: (sage) ..here's the dilemma -- you made a lovely gesture and expected a particular response from h. As impossible as it is, can you make the gestures w/o expecting something from him?
become a waw??? sure no problem...I'll just keep on doing what I do...loving h...getting little in return..feeling neglected...letting it go..expecting nothing...til one day I just give up...sounds good to me..infact I think that's the path I'm already on. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LL --- I wasn't suggesting that you become a waw -- stuffing your feelings and expecations. I was asking if you could "let go" of the expectations -- not hold them in and feel angry and disappointed!
I'm not sure if I should post this here, on your new thread or nowhere. OK, here -- my first post this morning (and it apparently missed the mark) was an attempt to "wonder" if you could DB your current sitch -- back to the basics of -- what you're doing isn't working...you're not happy with current state of M....what could you be doing differently? what 180s might you try? what would some short term goals be, etc.
Judging from your other post, that may not be where your head is at right now....
Quote: LL --- I wasn't suggesting that you become a waw -- stuffing your feelings and expecations. I was asking if you could "let go" of the expectations -- not hold them in and feel angry and disappointed!
letting go of expectations is the easy part...still getting little if anything in return and being ok with it is another...
Quote: my first post this morning (and it apparently missed the mark) was an attempt to "wonder" if you could DB your current sitch -- back to the basics of -- what you're doing isn't working...you're not happy with current state of M....what could you be doing differently? what 180s might you try? what would some short term goals be, etc.
been down this road too many times already...
sure I can go about my business...act as if all is well...do my own thing...live life for me and the kids etc...
honestly what is the real point in that??
it was nice and fun and fine while h was gone...while h wasn't being a h...but to have a r with someone or rather to live under the impression you are having a r with someone but to do little if anything with them?? to share little if any quality time with them??
what's the point???
why wouldn't I then just say the hell with this r...live my life soley for me and not be bothered with h at all??
seems as if h is happy that way anyway...really wouldn't matter to h if I went out everynight...he'd be happy with it then at least he wouldn't have to feel bad that he has nothing to offer me.
Eleven people were hanging from a rope under a helicopter while being rescued from a flood -- ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to hold them all, so they decided that one person had to let go of the rope to keep them ALL from falling to their deaths.
They couldn't decide how to choose fairly who should let go, so the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...
Quote: HMMM...I wonder where they learned how to show appreciation (clapping) since we KNOW it wasn't at home...ba dum bum.
ahhh, you see the fact is they do know how to show appreciation...they just save it for other women!!! at home it should just be known that they appreciate you!
there have been many times when I've thought very sadly over how much of himself h seemed to offer to ow. parts of him that I've wanted so badly to see -- the chatty side, the share my dreams side, etc. I don't know what it was about her or what it is about me that makes things so different...maybe it's just that it's far easier to have the fantasy when you're not seeing each other in dirty clothes or scratching your armpit or picking ones' teeth or whatever. maybe it's the mortgage and the food shopping and the ...whatever. or maybe there's some part of what goes on at home that shut my h down. he's talked more than once about wanting a "clean slate" -- don't know if that's to undo his mistakes or mine or both.
Have you read mars and venus? You may feel too tired or distraught to read it right now but I gotta say that it has really helped me put some things into perspective. I knew all along that the way that my h preferred to deal with issues -- the whole retreat into the cave thingy -- was the total opposite of how I deal with stuff -- what I didn't know was that it was not just HIM -- I'm not making sweeping gender generalizations here...oh, wait, maybe I am. Anyway, it appears that my h is at least partially from mars... and I might have handled things very differently if I had known how important some of this stuff was to him.
LL -- I'm not trying to talk you out of your sadness or your hurt. I can see that you're not getting what you need or want. I don't know if it's "findable" at home for you -- or if you need to seek it elsewhere. I can relate to how unhappy you say you were pre-A. I was unhappy and angry too. Now that h seems "back" with me, sometimes the same hurts and resentments and fears creep back in. BUT, I have seen that DB'ing can slowly erode some of the issues. When I suggest re-DB'ing your M I'm not talking about "doing the same old same old" -- I mean start from scratch, get new goals, beginner's mind, all of that. I don't know..
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I think men just show their appreciation in different ways.We have to be trained in the ways that a woman wants us to show it.You're H came home,do you really think he did it so he would have to work so hard,live with the guilt of what had happened,have to face his mistakes and the people that he hurt everyday because he didn't love you.Not hardly.The ones that D for another person or MLC or whatever pitiful reason that looks good that day are the weak ones. The ones that stay and fight are the strong ones.lets face it a R is work,true work you should enjoy.But we all go to work and have good days and bad days but we still go,some people change jobs because of the bad days and get a new one what happens after a while?that job has bad days too so either you figure that out or you just stay in the same cycle forever. LL you have went through alot and came so far,believe me I know exactly what you are feeling and it is hard,the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I'll be damned if I will give up after running this race for this long.You shouldn't either.Go to C by yourself or with H,get your feelings straigtened out and then if you feel the same way do what you feel you must.Forgive and love the ones closest to you
Randy - I don't think I could have said it any better.
LL - the way you feel about H is the way I feel about my W! I am not about to give up my fight for my M and the legacy I want to establish for my children. And deep down inside, I don't think that you really want to give up either.
Personally, I think your upcoming EMT training will do you a world of good, LL. It will be a lot of hard work but I know you'll succeed.
and I might have handled things very differently if I had known how important some of this stuff was to him.
I am not about to give up my fight for my M and the legacy I want to establish for my children. And deep down inside, I don't think that you really want to give up either.