Hi Gypsy and Sandi. Speaking to you guys really gives me hope for my w. After I discovered the sexual r we went for c, but she still wanted to see the om. Two months later she tells me she wants a divorce so she can meet the om. I contacted his boss and told him about his online sex at work, and he was in a lot of trouble. He immediately dumped my w. Of course she was furious. What kind of Christian would try his best to get another guy fired? 2 Months later she meets this other guy on facebook. This time there is no sex, but it is much deeper emotionally. For three months I beg her to stop, Our councillors tell her to stop. She refuses. I get severe fits of rage. So I contact the guy and tell him my w is in love with him. Apparently he dumps her. Now my w is so angry she starts the D proceedings. I am awaiting the summons.
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
It does not sound good. I am afraid she is in deep trouble. She may have lost one or two men, but she will go after more. If she could have found out the hard way by meeting this OM in person and discovering he did not mearsure up to her expectations, that may have put a stop to it then and their. Although there are many cases that it is carried over into a PA before it finally fades out. Some even get married, but from what I have read, it seldom works out.
I noticed you used the 180 term in your first post, but have you read Michelle's books on DR or DB? I have the DR and she covers some internet R in that one. I know that a H wants to protect his W by stepping in and putting a stop to the R....as you did with the two men. But, I noticed she was willing to D you before she even met these men in person! That says there are problems in the M that is driving her to do this.
I know of at least one case where the W left her H so that she would be free to have as many on life R as she wanted. That is her life now. So sad. EDITED - Advertisements are NOT ALLOWED.
I would get professional advice from the C as to what you need to do as far as your W is concerned. But, I do know that you cannot "make" her not see a man on-line! She will figure out a way.....even if it means leaving you to do it. Every time you go to that man or his boss or the OM's wife to expose what has been going on.....your W will hate you more and more for what you have done. It just works that way. Doesn't make sense, but that is what it is.
Stay in touch with us. I wish I could be more encouragement to you. I can only tell you that I was in about as deep as it gets and I turned around, so I am praying she will also. But first....she has got to be the one to "want to stop" b/c she sees the harm in it, not b/c you are throwing a fit, begging, or interferring in it.
Sandi I found out the hard way. My c said it was extremely stupid to contact her friend, and yes, she is still mad at me. I ordered the book (Only found out about it when I found this website) but it has not arrived yet. The 180's I did: (I hope I understand the concept)Her big complaint was that I am fat and sit in front of the computer all day. So I lost 50 pounds and almost never use the home computer any more. She complained that I never got out to do fun stuff: So I went on a skydiving course with het. (And got hooked). My most recent 180: She said she cannot talk to my about OR because I throw temper fits. I never had a problem with rage before the bomb, and afterwards my rage was completely out of controll. I then read a book that explained that I had post traumatic stress syndrome, and the rage fits was a normal manifestation. I started taking an antidepressant, and as predicted in the literature the fits disappeared.
I really cannot wait to start reading the book...
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
If your wife would read it.....it would be great, but I'm afraid that right now she is too upset with you and will think that you are just trying to "fix" her or force her to stop doing what she is doing. Maybe in a few weeks you can get it to read. The DR book is more important. The reason that other book was so right for me to read was b/c it was telling me that the OM I was flirting with over internet and having EA with was only fantasy and that even if it turned into a R or M that it would last 2 years at best, then I would find myself unhappy and in the same stitch as I already was. Then I would go after OM and another until I was headed on a downward spiral in a frantic search for happiness, but it wouldn't happen b/c I had short-circuited what a woman needs in her soul/heart to be happy with a man. It was scary enough that it got my attention. I also don't believe that women were designed by God to jump from one man to another without it affecting in that way. This is not a religious book....that is just my personal belief. I know back in the Women's Lib Movement when everything was about make love and not war and everyone was sleeping with everyone else......they tried to make it sound "normal"....but it isn't. It's hard for me to explain, but I don't think sex has the same affect on men and women. I don't mean that to sound wrong or offensive, but God made the woman's desire to be for her husband and when she starts all this jumping from man to man, it messes her heart & mind up big time.
Like I said, that is just my personal belief on it, but that book (which is not Christian based) still backed up what I believe.
Michelle's book will help you a lot. She has a lot of articles and even the first chapters to several of her books here on the board. If you haven't read them, I'd advise you to look them over b/c they are great.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi I have only read the first three chapters but what the "infedility book" describes is what I see as the fallen state (As in, after Adam had the fruit) of humankind. After Adam and Eve were banned from God's presence Eve was told that man "would rule" over his wife. This is not what God intended or what he wants now, but the natural result of Adam's newly fallen nature. Men try to rule over women by emotionally circumsizing them (as described in the book) and they rebel with infdility. In the new testament Paul says: "Husbands, love your wives AS CHRIST LOVES HIS CHURCH." How does Christ love his church? "He did not regard his existence as God as something to cling to but emptied himself (of his godliness), and became a slave among us, obedient even to his death." Instead of ruling we should be our wives' slaves, and sacrifice our lives for them. And then he says that wives should submit themselves to these wife serving, self sacrificing husbands.
This is what I always believed, unfortunately it did not stop my marraige from ending with a bang...
You say I should try to get my w to read DR?
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
Hi, I am late for work b/c after reading your post I thought to myself, "Oh goodness, I think I've gotten some books confused", so I went back to glance over the first few chapters. I hope you got both books! The first book really gets the man's eyes open! The author writes as though he is talking to a man and explain how things really are from what we have always been taught. The second book explains even more, but it is like the author is talking to the woman and telling her what is/will happen in her infidelity. It was really the second book that helped me the most. My H was shocked at the first book b/c he did not realize some of the truth taught in it.
I will have to get back to you later...after work today. I still believe that God designed a woman to have desire for her H, etc., but I was thinking that was brought out in this book. However, from what I refreshed briefly this morning, I don't think that was where the author was going. Anyway, you did not waste your money (even though it was expensive) it will certainly help you to understand today's females. It was these two books that I wised that your wife would read. I don't know that she would unless you tell her that you really learned a lot about women and what she is feeling right now. I strongly suggest that you do not suggest about the DR or DB book for her to read b/c it is more for you and what you need to be doing.
Wish I could talk longer and I hope I have not confused you or made you mad. I am late for work and I just have to go now. EDITED - Advertising is NOT ALLOWED.
I agree with you: A woman was designed to desire her H, but at the same token a man was designed to desire his w. I know, because I experience it every day! The ebooks cost $40. (Ok it includes both books but toghether they are less than 400 pages) DR costs only $18 for a hard copy. I still have to decide wether it was worth my money. At the moment I would pay anything if it could save my marraige. Anyway, I floated an idea from the ebook with my wife, and boy, was that a mistake! I'm such a bloody fool, I seem to be completely incapable of learning from previous mistakes. I just caused the temperature in our home to drop by another 20 degrees.
What gets me down completely is that I feel I should have a PHD in psycology to navigate this emotional minefield. I'm always beating myself up: If only I didn't do this, If only I hadn't said that, What if I found this website a year ago, why the hell can't I seem to do the right thing or say the right stuff to make my w stop hating me. I read "the 5 love languages" and tried to make her feel loved. It made things worse because now I was "smothering" her. Good heavens! NOW they tell me that if I want her back I should pretend that I don't care!
I am hurt and angry because she cheated on me, now she wants to D me because am am angry and shouts at her. It is like the drunk in the Little Prince: He drinks to forget that he is ashamed because he drinks. She wants to D me because am am angry because I am hurt because she wants a D.
Why does it have to be so complicated!
What the hell is wrong with me!!!
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
I agree with you: A woman was designed to desire her H, but at the same token a man was designed to desire his w. I know, because I experience it every day! The ebooks cost $40. (Ok it includes both books but toghether they are less than 400 pages) DR costs only $18 for a hard copy. I still have to decide wether it was worth my money. At the moment I would pay anything if it could save my marraige. Anyway, I floated an idea from the ebook with my wife, and boy, was that a mistake! I'm such a bloody fool, I seem to be completely incapable of learning from previous mistakes. I just caused the temperature in our home to drop by another 20 degrees.
What gets me down completely is that I feel I should have a PHD in psycology to navigate this emotional minefield. I'm always beating myself up: If only I didn't do this, If only I hadn't said that, What if I found this website a year ago, why the hell can't I seem to do the right thing or say the right stuff to make my w stop hating me. I read "the 5 love languages" and tried to make her feel loved. It made things worse because now I was "smothering" her. Good heavens! NOW they tell me that if I want her back I should pretend that I don't care!
I am hurt and angry because she cheated on me, now she wants to D me because am am angry and shouts at her. It is like the drunk in the Little Prince: He drinks to forget that he is ashamed because he drinks. She wants to D me because am am angry because I am hurt because she wants a D.
Why does it have to be so complicated!
What the hell is wrong with me!!!
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
