ComfortablyNumb: In my first post you can read how I outed them in front of everyone at work. I even walked into the Boss's office where he and a supervisor were sitting and said "W is having an affair with OM" and left. That got me a sh!tstorm.
This weekend I kindly replied to Gramma, and said "thank you. I'm ok. I've never had to deal with anything as painful as infidelity before. I love W. I guess she simply doesn't want to be married. If she's happier with this man from work, then I can only take care of myself. I love you,l and I will certainly take you up on you offer to talk, should I need to." or something.
I have my bed. I don't know. If she comes back, I can't physically throw her out. She's a bullheaded one.
This weekend I was upset and I kept getting more and more upset at her blatant disrespect. And I'm going to gently confront her on it. Again. It came to a head late last night and I called my mom for support. I ended up venting and swearing and saying awful things. I love my W and I don't want to feel such anger and resentment and pain. (It's been a while and it caught me off guard) My mom actually said some things about W that hurt my feelings even more.
After that, I felt a little better and slept. At midnight W comes home again. Loudly. Wakes me up and "gets some things" so she can sleep. (Like medicine for her spine.) and then leaves.
I have been, for the last several weeks, flawless in my pacifism. Nothing she tries gets a reaction from me. (until she leaves)
Is she testing? or is she simply trying to hurt me? If it's the latter, then... who IS this person?!!!
Has anyone ever seen behavior like this? When I first started 180-ing, she would do dumb things like leave garbage in the shower drain, leave the plunger in the toilet, use my razor to cut fuzzballs off her sweater and then leave it in the sink.
It this "waking me up at 1:00 am" thing just a progression of the same principle? Starting a fight so that she can avoid dealing with her own issues?
Here's another thing. And it was kind of a suspicion that I had since I woke up this morning. All weekend I tortured myself with thoughts of her going to his house. But to be honest, I kinda think she was actually at her apartment. It would make a little more sense. I doubt OM would be willing to make TWO midnight trips when the second one was just for some pills and a hot-pad. And it would have meant that he wouldn't be home until 1:00 am.
Either way, whether she was at his place or at her place, the thing that upset me so much was no more than an assumption. Let it go.
She came home and I went to bed in the bed. She said "Out!" and can't sleep on the floor because of her back. I said everything. "Not my problem." "You're the one who left" "You're the one who cheated" "It's just as much my bed as it is yours" (I learned that in exchange for the bed for her new apartment, she promised to trade our to her dad. Leaving me f*cked.) Anyway, it turned into a huge fight.
I love her. That's all I've ever done. But she has become the most hateful person I've ever met. Completely unfeeling. She didn't leave me for another man, she left me because she hated the marriage and just started "seeing people." She says her family doesn't know that she cheated on me. She just told them that we were over and she's dating people. I can't convey how hurt I am. I hate everything and everyone right now.
I can't get her out. I'm on the goddamned floor and I've been crying for two hours.
I just went in there and said "I love you. But you are incapable of love. You are incapable of receiving love." I kind of think that's true. It didn't used to be. All our years together mean nothing now. All my endless love means nothing. All the work I've done means nothing. I hate this.
Take back your bed, don't budge on the issue, and expose her affair to her family. You're swingingly wildly from aggressive anger to passive doormat and needy/grabby/pursuing behavior, and that's the LAST thing that's going to work.
If you want to save your marriage, you have GOT to learn to lovingly detach and walk the middle ground.
If you do NOT want to save your marriage, you have STILL got to learn how to do these things, or else you'll find yourself having a series of failed relationships.
You also need to do this just for your own self-esteem.
She'll just have to sleep with you if she wants the bed. There is absolutely no reason to go to the floor. She can go to OM's house if she wants a bed to sleep in.
She's only 28 and is already fairly blatantly cheating on you.Hopefulll, if it were me, considering your young age and lack of children, I'd count my lucky stars I didn't have children and cut my losses. Just mentally consider yourself divorced from her and proceed as though life with her is over. You need the detachment anyway. Get your own head on straight. Process through this. It isn't because you are unworthy of love. She just isn't capable of showing it. Consider best case scenario, she says she wants to still be married. What would your marriage look like after all this? I know people get over affairs, but usually that doesn't entail your spouse rubbing it in your face. The only thing worse she could do would be to have OM sleep over in your bed while you sleep on the floor. With you giving in so much, I don't see that as too far away.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
