Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

Gforce,

Our sitc sounds very familiar. I started to feel W becoming distant about a year ago. The last time we slept together, she was on the edge of the bed, I had basically "chased" her over there and she said I was smothering her. That was the night after I came home after the bomb was dropped.

You are being helpful, talking about our feelings and what affects us is helpful.

You take care as well, hang tough,

CBK

cbk, just wanted to mention a book that talks about the in love feelings. its" i love you but i'm not in love with you" by andrew marshall. good book. take care

Thanks DBD - have it and read it. I have read so much, I keep telling my IC that I could be an armchair therapist - except do as I say, not as I do!!! :-)

CBK,

just wanted to say hi!

I need to start reading to get back on track, so many things happened while I've been away.

You hang in there, talk to you later, (((hugs))).

Hi, CBK. I want to circle back to something you said here:



I think you need to make an important distinction between your own "detachment," and giving your WIFE "time and space." They are not at all the same thing.

WE -- betrayed spouses -- need to learn to emotionally detach. "Loving detachment" is very hard to learn, but so very important in DBing.

OUR WAYWARD SPOUSES -- in my opinion -- do NOT need to be "given space" or "given time" with which to make up their minds as to what they want to do. "Love is a decision," it is said, and I also firmly believe that "no-contact" is also a decision. Almost always, when a wayward spouse asks for "space," they mean "space in which to more freely conduct my affair."

So then, where does PATIENCE come in? We need to give them "time" to regain their feelings for us. We need to give them "time" to go thru withdrawal, and lose their feelings for their OM/OW, once they end all contact. We need to give them "time" to decide if they feel that this reconciliation that we ask them to go thru with us is WORKING.

But we do NOT need to -- nor would I advocate -- giving them "time and space" to answer the following question:

"Will you end your affair, agree to no contact forever, and come back and work on our marriage with me?"

That is just my opinion, but I think if you read the hundreds of stories on just this very forum, it confirms it. I just don't see a lot of success with what I call the "Little Bo-Peep Method": you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them.

- Puppy, who knows a thing or two about 'tails'

Hi back....came in for lunch and saw every one's posts. The one thing I want to keep reminding all of the men (especially) is not to magnify every word and every movement your wife makes. That seems to be something that sticks out in all the LBH posts that I read. Maybe it is in the females also, but seems more like the men's to me. It is as though the wife has finally gotten the H's attention and now he can't stop watching every move and every word....but he blows it up out of proportion. That is not healthy.

I know this is easy for me to type and awfully hard for you to do....but all of you guys try hard not to "weigh" every little thing and wonder if that is a positive sign or a setback or whatever b/c most all the W's are very confused and they are likely to change from hour to hour.....as you well know from your own experiences.

I was going through the very same thing is why I know. I believe b/c of my religious beliefs and my family's position in the church and community......all of it....is what helped me to make myself let go of OM and stay with my H. It was not easy. There are times that I am tempted to just check on him to see how he is doing.......but I know not to open that door again. If he had rejected me or done something to make me unhappy.....it would have been a lot easier, but he didn't....no matter what I said or even the little "tests" I put him through....he would always pass with flying colors. Again, it was the help of wise DB'ers here on the board and reading a lot of books that helped to back up everything I had been told. Even though my heart did not want to cooperate...I knew I had to do the right things. I'll tell you something that you won't want to hear.....but I missed him. Yes, I did. And....I grieved for him for a long time....and that was just an EA! But, it was the "fantasy".....don't you see? The fantasy I had built up in my mind of how wonderful life with him could be......that is what I missed.....and of course the fuel he supplied to my ego.
That is why I keep telling all of you to keep having lots and lots of patient and give it a lot of time.....a lot of time!

So, I pray for all of you that responded today b/c I know it is hell for everyone. I just pray that you will have the strength to hang on and that your W's will come out of the fog and see the light soon. Very few do it in a short time and of course it depends on how deeply or how long the A was going on.....all the circumstances involved. If I had ever had a PA with the OM, I would hate to know what kind of shape I would be in today.

My process has been very, very slow and some got kind of put out with me b/c they didn't think I was doing everything or working hard enough to "spark" things up in my M, but we have to go at the pace we feel that we can go and like I've told all of you....do what feels right for your stitch. When there are health problems involved....that certainly makes a difference (which is mostly my problem now) and there are other factors also that we don't always talk about. Take the advice of others, but it is your life and we are not professionals.....just broken people trying to get healed and get our M back on the right track again. Some of us have been down the road before the others and we can tell them what works or doesn't work very well.....and we can cry and pray with each other....and at times even laugh at ourselves. But we all share something special here in this community. It's like we get to be a "family" in a way.....some of us have disagreements just like brothers and sisters (lol).....but still....we care. I think that is pretty special and I am thankful for Michelle and whoever else is responsible for this board that gives us that opportunity.

You all take care.

Sandi

Stella!

Glad you are back. I am sure you will have a lot of reading to do. Hope you are doing well.

CBK

well said sandy. especially about putting so much weight on every mood, word said, body language etc that wifes do. that is what impedes progress to detach and get a life. too busy looking for clues........

Thanks Puppy -

I hear what you are saying, and I THINK that is what I am doing. I cannot force her to stop contact with OM, she knows my feelings and she is in the process of detaching and I know this will take time. As you have said, it is a drug, and addicts need time to get over that addiction. I am trying to learn to "lovingly detach" from the wife - that is an important step for both of us IMO.

Right now, does she hold out hope for the OM to end his R with his W - sure, I would be stupid to think otherwise - but as she grows more distant to OM and OM works on his M, she has already said, he is not available and even if he was, right now, she wants to be by herself.

My W doesn't fully believe in the "love is a decision" statement. I brought this up a long time ago, I said love is a decision just like hate is - you can choose do either. She beleives that with love there is an overwhelming sense, something that is impossible to describe. Can't argue with her, does me no good. We all have our opinions about this. I am in the camp where love is a choice.

I hope this makes sense. I am not going to pursue W, right now, there is no "us" - I am hopeful that soon there will be no "them" - in my eyes, this guy is a piece of dirt, he is not coming clean in his own relationship about what is going on - a total scum bag.

I love your "bo peep" analogy - kind of hits home.

CBK

Hope lunch was good!

Sandi, totally agree, I find myself looking for every little clue - like a "good morning" or a slight change in her voice. Then I start to think, okay, what should I do... I will drive myself nuts pretty soon (and right now, that isn't a far drive).

I would love if WAW would read some of the things I have read, or was on this board like you or WDID - but you are the rare birds that come in here and give us the glimpse of the other side - and that is so appreciated.

I am learning - I know hard to believe. I have really turned some corners, but I am sure there are more dips and bumps to come. Luckily, I take off on a business trip to the east coast on Sunday for a few days, will be good to be with my colleagues for a few days!

CBK