Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The flame is flickering out...

CBK, I hope you can stay strong and look for the good path.
BM, thanks for the encouragement again. I think the path you have chosen is a good one.

I will not give up on my kids. Today I spoke with my Domestic Violence evaluator. She is court-appointed, a social worker who will evaluate the risk by me to the safety of the children. She is not an advisor to me, but rather an expert who renders an opinion about the situation.

When I speak to her, and describe my situation, I don't know why, but I feel encouraged, understood. I feel very hopeful that I will get my kids back. It's nothing she says - her job prohibits her from advising me in any way. It's just .. a feeling I get.

Powered by that encouragement, I am spending money I don't have now on making a new home. It's a hopeful place. I won't expend effort "retaliating" - that's not good for me, or for her, or for my kids. I'm not joining the war, despite all her invitations.

Keep being empowered by any encouragement you feel. Keep your eye on the ball - your kids. Believe me, the truth will come out - it always does eventually. They are very lucky children to have a father that loves them so much. Try, though I know how hard it is, to speak the truth about your situation, without
bashing your w. The courts are still in the stone age regarding women, in that they sometimes tend to side with them no matter what the real situation is. But I think, most of the time, they see what is REALLY going on.

I am so happy to see that you have regrouped and have dug in your heels for this 'fight'. Slow and steady wins the race.

SPM - You Sir are truely a good man. I like your attitude and hopefully with your guidance, your daughters will learn not to follow the path of their mother and grandmother in their future relationships.

As in RefuseToLose's situation, I believe that you will prevail in all of this. You are taking the high road and will be able to pick up the pieces when this is over and move on successfully to a better life with someone that believes that marriage takes work on both partners to keep it alive.

SPM -

My friend. You don't know how glad I was to see your post on my thread. I'm so glad you are back and that you are doing so much better. As you may have read, my sitch is still very ugly, but I think there is a small thaw in the ice, but I'm not getting overconfident. I still have a long way to go, as do we all, it seems.

I'm meeting w/ my L tomorrow to discuss what information we'll send to the parenting evaluator and like you, I'm not throwing any stones. In fact, I'm not going to use any of the affair material, but instead focus on how I am a good father and deserving of equal time w/ my D. Your sitch will play out as well.

Concerning the sexual abuse charge, my W floated that one out w/ the parenting evaluator as well. He told her directly that if she is concerned, she needs to file w/ CPS. However, if these charges are proved to be false and she is drumming them up to try and discredit me, they will only work against her. After W met w/ the parenting evaluator and heard this, she immediately dropped all talk of sexual abuse. In your case, either someone will tell your W the same thing or the courts will see they are baseless charges and it will work for you.

You wrote this about the domestic violence worker:

I get the same exact feeling from my meetings w/ the parenting evaluator. He can't pick a side, but what he says and how he says it gives me great hope that this process will work out correctly.

I'm sorry your finances are stretched. I too am in a bit of financial red ink and I need to get the house on the market and moved to get me close to back to even. W talks tough about selling the house (which is a must now due to all the legal bills), but she won't act when I've sent realtors to her. She's not meeting w/ them to try and narrow one down to sell the property.

All of this will work out and the system will see what is right. The problem for the system is it is so painfully slow. I hate the waiting, but in the long run, I'll be better for it as will my D. You and your kids will do the same.

You asked, could I wait 3 years? Maybe you can. Maybe I can too. I don't know and won't until we travel down this road a bit longer.

Keep being the man. I'm so glad to see you are in better spirits and back on the board.

Talk to you soon.
RTL

Hi Sir!

Glad to see that you are back here.

That is so good that you are getting hopeful vibes from the parenting evaluator.

It just blows my mind all these wacked mlc Ws and their restraining orders and trying to keep kids from their dads. Ugh, it just makes me sick!

The high road is the only way to go.

(((HUGS)))

THat is the smartest and best thing to do.

hey all, thanks for being here.
Thanks for the encouragement.

Nutty, thanks for chiming in.
You asked a couple things:


I "get" that I was in a marriage, I am human, imperfect. I also "get" that I am willing to address my faults and do the work. You're right, I am angry with my wife. I believe she destroyed something beautiful. I am angry with her for perceiving abuse where there was none. I am angry with her being so cavalier with our family, inviting a man into our bed, with our children sleeping in the next room. If we cannot be angry about these things, what will we be angry about? Where is the line?


Yes I am talking to friends of the family and to "her" family too. This may not be the case for everyone but when I got married it was the union of two families. Not just two people. They are not "her family" nor "her friends". They are our family and friends. She does not "own" people. She does not get to say who I can and cannot talk to.

As for whether I am aware that she will be hurt - hurt in what way? By the truth? If she is "hurt" by my exposing her deceit to her father, then so be it. If she is "hurt" when I tell her sister what is in the public record - that is to say, that she is accusing me of sexual abuse, if she is "hurt" by this, then it is a darn regrettable shame, but I will not stand.

Let me ask you something - if a man were married to a raving drunk, and she were coming home every night at 4am loaded, missing work and crashing cars - would the man be wrong to inform her friends and family what he sees? I am not saying my wife is a drunk, it is a hypothetical question. Would the man be wrong? Keep in mind that surely the drunk woman would surely be embarassed and "hurt" by the revelation of her antics. Would the man be wrong?

Now switch it. The woman is not drunk, but she is flinging false allegations everywhere. She is maligning me publicly. She is keeping me from my kids unnecessarily, unfairly, and in a way that is damaging to these young people. Shall I bite my tongue because the poor girl will be "hurt" that people realize what she is doing?




Nuts! I contributed my own humanness to my marriage. At times, I was impatient, obnoxious, inattentive, uncaring. Sometimes I was smelly, crabby or distant. Mostly not, but sometimes. In other words, I was human. Mostly, though, I was attentive, caring, reliable, thoughtful, and loving. MOSTLY. And above all I recognized that there is always more work to do in a marriage. Have I contributed to the downfall of my marriage? By your definition, being in a marriage contributes to its downfall. Sorry, I don't share that perspective.

It takes a team of people working together for years to design and build a skyscraper, but it takes only one nutcase with a bomb to bring it down in an hour. Just the same, it takes two people working together for years to make a marriage good, but it takes only one to destroy it.

Sometimes, both people join together to destroy a marriage. It's the last thing the couple does together as husband-and-wife, sort of a swan song. They both relish the bonfire, throw all the fond memories and good feelings right on top of the blaze. Affairs and retaliatory affairs. The fight, the combat is invigorating. I was not that kind of person. I was not that man. That was not me.

I did not have an EA, nor a PA. I did not gamble. I was no drunk. I showed up on time. I brought home the money. I was the soccer coach. I drove a station wagon. I bought new DVD players after they were jammed with PB&J sandwiches. I painted and colored with my girls. I went hiking with my boys. I asked my wife on dates. I kept myself in good physical shape for her. I was polite and never called her names. I bought her presents and wrote her poetry. I shared family responsibilities with her equitably. I scrubbed toilets and supported her leadership on family finances. I was a father and a husband.

I will own that I am human, but I will not own the responsibility for destroying my marriage. I will not. I believe human relationships are important and precious, fragile yet resilient. I believe marriage is worth effort. I will not own the forsaking of my marriage. I will not take credit for her affair, her refusal to go to counseling, her continued contact with the other man, her repeated broken promises, and her lies and deceit today. I did not forsake my marriage. I will not accept responsibility for that. Sometimes there is a right and wrong. This is one of those times.



YES! It would be good. A noble ideal, and one I hope to pursue some time in the future: Just forget about who was right or wrong. Problem is, if at this time I don't prove that I am right and my wife is wrong... I will lose my children. That is what she is working toward right now.

I will drop the right-v-wrong when I have secured custody of my kids.

I believe I was in the place you suggest, in January. I was discussing with my wife, school districts, parenting schedules, budgets, and mediation to resolve our issues in the divorce. I was moving forward with the silently brutal and inhumane mechanics of divorce. I was facing it. I did not speak to her with contempt in my voice. I was patient and apologetic. Then she filed for protection, took my kids away. I cannot "rise above" while she does this.

Nutty, I see from your sig that you filed for divorce yourself, not long ago. I know that is always a tough thing and I wish you the best.

Anyway thanks for taking the time...

Just to add some lightheartedness to all of that:



Wow Sir, you rock if you scrub toilets!