Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

Well just got back. CA is a no-fault state and court will pretty much split everything down the middle. I have records of finances and L said that was all I needed. If I thought something was screwy, they could always order the documents from the investment firm.

The biggest news is that I would have to pay alimony indefinetely! I was floored. I said, "like the rest of my life?" She said until one of you dies, remarries, or 'possibly' retirement. Oh well, I am hopeful that we don't get here...

My IC went well today. He is very pro-marriage and said the same thing you all are saying - never say never, she may come back around. He has seen all the way up to the D people reconcile. It made me feel much better, not overly so, but just hearing those words gave me some energy. But, in some ways, the L took them down a bit.

I feel good right now, I am off to the range to get another golf lesson, see if I can take that wicked slice out of my ball, just can't bring my hips around fast enough!

Peace,

CBK

CBK, did you tell your lawyer that your W was having an A? My state is also a no fault state and everything is split 50/50 but the one thing that will prohibit alimony being paid out is infidelity, if that happens, then no alimony is to be paid. Just wondering if you told L about this.

Hey CBK, you sound so much better and in more control today. I am still concerned about your weight loss. Even if I didn't put a mouthful of food in my mouth for a month, I wouldn't loose that much weight. You have been under a terrible strain and stress can cause physical problems to happen. Even though you may feel ok physically, please promise that you will keep that doctor's app't. Continued rapid weight loss is your body telling you something isn't right.......hopefully it is the stress and nothing more to add to your problems.

It may not be considered DBing, but I'm glad you talked to your W about your pain and I think you handled it very well by letting her know that you realize that she was in pain for a long time also. Sounds to me like more progress was made that time than when you were in MC session together. Now, that is behind you, there is no point in verbalizing it again. If you still feel the need to put it all on paper---if a D take place.....then that is your decision. Whatever helps you to be able to find peace.

As I was telling you about your wife not being the person you married, I was thinking that she really is a stranger to you b/c you don't know her anymore. Perhaps if you could try to see her through those eyes and even treat her as someone in your home that is a stranger or even like a "guest".....it might help you to detach more. You don't have to entertain her like you would your guest, but you would be polite, etc. Like you did today when she was leaving for work. That was great how you did that. When you sit down for dinner, talk to the kids mostly, and just show politeness to the W. It's all like a mental game, but we do what we have to do to get through it all.

The idea of paying alimony stinks! You would think in a so called "equal rights" world we live in that you would not have to do that......especially if she works and especially if she is the one that files for D! Would the fact that she had an A affect alimony?

Well, try to make yourself eat. Get sleep. Talk to your doctor and see if he can give you something short term to help you get through this. I'll be praying that there is nothing else wrong.

Talk to you later. Keep your chin up.

Sandi

Hey all - CA is an interesting state. I did talk to L about the A, doesn't matter in Cali... Here is the "nice" side of CBK - we have been together a long time, and although she stepped outside of the M, I have my fair share of blame for the unraveling of the M - I take full responsibility for that. We have a nice life style for CA living and she does deserve to keep some of that. She would have a hard time living in our same city if (and I say IF) she moves out. What got me was paying until she remarries or I retire, and the court could rule that out! Although a shock, I go back to what you all taught me, worry about the things I can change, and that is me - yes, you heard me! :-) See, I learn eventually!

I will call doctor tomorrow and see when I can get in. I agree, my weight loss is of concern.

I just got home from hitting a bucket of little white balls with a stick - what a frustrating game! It does take out some aggession though.

Sandie, you are right on about how to treat W - like a guest in my home that has been here several times, so no need to wait on them. She is in her room with the door closed talking to her friends - which is fine, I know she had her IC today as well and she comes back very tired and then calls her GF's, which I think is great. I would rather her talk to me, but that would send me tumbling, tumbling, tumbling down hill.

Kids will be home soon, so I am going to start dinner. Although we both cook, I do enjoy it - we usually split up - whoever cooks, the other cleans, lately, if I cook, I clean, if she cooks, I clean - makes it easier that way.

Will post later - it is hard to believe that two nights ago I was a mental case. I feel more at ease, at least my head does! I didn't take any sleep meds last night and hope to do the same tongith. I actually slept 5 hours straight - for me, that is great.

Peace all,

CBK

You are sounding better CBK, I like what you said, only worry about what you can control. Believe me, it does get easier, keep reading other sitch on this board, you will see that everyone of us did it all wrong at first and then one day a light went off and we started to understand what others were telling us and what we needed to do.

Glad you went to your L today, sorry to here about you would have to pay alimony until you retire or she remarries, that just doesn't even make since at all. Oh well, neither you or I can change that so we won't worry about it.

Keep up your changes, you WILL become stronger.

Ok, read all of this thread. I will keep my eyes on you now from now on, whether you want me to or not.

Great to see you're paying attention!!!

You sound so much better today. What a difference a day (or two) makes. Just try not to snoop again. You will be the one that is hurt by it.
Please see a doctor re all your weight loss. Hopefully it's nothing but do get it checked out.

Well - taking more advice.

So when W came out of her room, I could tell she didn't look good. I asked her what was the matter, she said head ache so I offered on of my monster back pills (they usually do the trick). I asked if it was head and neck or just head. She said both. I ALMOST said, you want me to rub your neck, but thought, no that is pursuing, so I figured if she wanted one, she would ask - I used to do this all the time. Well, no asking. But I did say go lay down and I will make dinner. Of course, she came back and said "I have been laying down..., but thanks for offering to make dinner." Over dinner, I paid attention to S19 as he started working today and we BS's during dinner - took advice (notice how many times today) and treated W like a guest that has been around awhile. I cleaned the dishes and said I am going to Trader Joes for milk and fruit (I rarely do this) and if anybody wanted anything. While there, knowing W loves Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, I bought a couple of pints and when I got home said I got these for your headache. She said thanks and I walked away.

It is amazing how much the posts help you PMA - I expected nothing in return today, absolutely nothing, I was just being a nice guy, things I should have been doing and used to do years ago.

Me and kids are cleaning up the house for the housekeeper (I never understood that) because they have stuff all over the place. I need to tell W that we should probably discontinue with the housekeeper, but this is a small luxury that helps all around. We have two very big dogs that like to shed and run around the house...

This is the best day I have had in a long time. I even ate dinner - good old Trader Joe's - if you haven't had them, try the Maui Ribs!

Peace to all,

CBK

Oh yea - WDID (soon to be renamed) welcome to my madness! :-)

CBK, you sound like a new man.