Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband insists its over-what now? Please help!

Hello

Thanks to everyone who has replied. One Day and Ali, have read both of your threads and its amazing how some asppects of our situations are so similar.

H came over today and I am now convinced that it is over between us. In the DR book it states that there are some people who are convinced that their marriage is over and there is no changing their mind, and I really believe thats my H!

We had a very long chat today. I am angry because I snooped on his phone and saw text messages from a girl who has been 'after' him for a while. It was just banter, but she has been a slight issue in our relationship; always leaving flirty comments on his myspace, and when we were down the pub together she would flirt with him. She is one of these naturally outgoing flirty people but she seemed to be aiming it at H. I was looking on his phone specifically to see if there was anything from her and I was right! It doesnt help my ego that she's fairly attractive, skinny and has a boob job!

He assures me there is nothing going on and I do believe him, but I told him that the text messages were bad enough to me. At a time when he is considering whether our marriage has a future, he was texting another girl. He agreed that it looked awful to me, but said it hadnt crossed his mind because he is not looking to start anything with anyone else right now and he was just replying to her texting him. He said that she has nothing to do with what is happening, and he doesnt want me to think she has any bearing his decision and the situation. I told him that I would like to think he wouldnt rush into anything with anyone else, and told him to beware of a woman who goes after a married man. He said he wants time to himself and does not intend to start anything with anyone.

We had a long chat of him saying that he cares about me and he is sorry that he is doing this, but he doesnt feel our connection is there anymore and doesnt feel he wants to try and get it back. He said he cant explain the feeling that is missing, but he knows it was there and now its not. He says if anyone had told him at our wedding day that our marriage wouldnt last 2 years he wouldnt have believed it, as he was certain about us and had no doubts. I told him I felt I had supported him so much over the past 18 months when he was depressed, and I have given so much to the relationship and he has given nothing back. He didnt say anything which I took as him agreeing. He said that his intentions when he left was to hurt me as little as possible, but realises now that his actions of coming and going and changing his mind had made things a whole lot worse. He said he was sorry and didnt mean to hurt me. When he was leaving I asked him something about how he was feeling about me, and he said 'You're not the right woman for me' and that he wanted me to find the man who is right for me.

We had a few goodbye hugs and kisses (not full on!) but he was obviously pleased by the physical contact and he had a little joke about him still finding me attractive and he hadnt had 'it' for a while and there was a little bit of sexual banter.

So thats it. The house is going to be valued and our marriage is over. I feel numb, but I really feel I need to move on for my own sake. I am terrified though. He has been by my side for 10 years since I was 16. He has been the person I have always turned to, discussed everything with, he knows me inside out. He is everything to me.

What do I do now!?

Lea
xxx

Hey Lea!

Firstly, well done on making it through all my threads- there's quite a lot there!

Secondly (and this should really be firstly), don't give up. Whatever your H says now means nothing. He's hurting and his comments are a way of lashing out at the person closest to him.

Your plan......

1. No more OR talks. If he initiates one, side-step it. Validate what he says and tell him you're sorry he feels that way. Then change the subject.

2. Don't believe anything he says and only 50% of what he does. What he says (as I said above) is designed to hurt you and rationalise his actions. But it means nothing. In fact, my H said almost exactly all the same things to me that your H has just said to you. I believed it at the time too, but don't any more; it wasn't true for him. It's not true for your H either

3. No more snooping. If there is an OW, the best tactic is to ignore her existence. She is nothing compared to you- a bandage for his pain, and eventually he'll discard her. IF there's an R there, it's founded on lies and can't last. Make yourself the greener grass.

4. Act AS IF. When you see him, act happy, smile, laugh. Be the funnest Lea there ever was. You can get upset/vent on here when he's gone, but in front of him., you';re a strong, independent woman who's happy with or without him. Pique his curiosity and then prolong it by.....

5. GAL. Choose a couple of new hobbies and do them. I did Argentinian Tango, and volunteer work.

6. Go to the LRT. (Have you got DR, by the way? If not, get it!). Don't initiate contact. If he contacts you, act AS IF, keep it short and end the conversation first.

That's rather a lot, (and sorry for the long post- I'm not so great at brevity!). I am finding it scary seeing what your H is saying to you, and the way it so closely resembles what my H said to me. I really think there's hope for you- the fact that he says he doesn't want to hurt you is so like my H. And you'll have seen from my thread that my H and I snogged in the pub a couple of weeks ago. Let's get you there too!

(((((Lea)))))

L.xx

Thanks One Day.

I am really struggling today, I didnt sleep and I keep bursting into tears, which is so unlike me. I am not a 'cryer'.

I don't think I can get through this. It hurts so much. I am going to have no H, no home and still be in debt. I just want him to come back. I miss him so much, its like a part of me is missing.

Lea

(((((Lea)))))

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. You don't need to justify the tears and sadness- of course you're feeling bad. You made a commitment and are a loving and warm person. Your sadness is a testament to the commitment you have to your M.

Although it may not seem like it right now, you will get through this and the sadness will gradually subside. Take a deep breath, and when you feel a bit better why don't we work a bit on some goals? It's such a great feeling when you get the baby steps you're looking for (and you're going to get lots of them). And a great first step to DBing.

Re. the house sale, whereabouts do you live? Getting a sale could take a while, given the way the market is.....lots of time to DB.

I'm thinking of you and we're all here for you. Keep posting and come here to vent.

(((((hugs)))) sweetie

L.xx

Thanks One Day

We live in Bedfordshire, and am in agreement that it may take time for a sale. I'm not sure how I feel about that-its difficult to live in the house that we bought together when we were so excited about getting married. Because he's just staying with his dad temporarily, most of his belongings are here too. I am still sleeping in our bed. The house just feels so sad and empty.

I just feel that I need to move on and GAL but its hard while I'm living here. I'm also a little angry that I find myself in this situation. I am envious of my friends who are seemingly in perfect relationships. I hate seeing couples when I'm out because I'm so jealous!! Is this normal?!

I am angry at my H who says he just fell out of love with me a few months after we married, then has been stringing me along for the past year saying that he has been trying to make things work and now knows they can't. How can people's emotions change just like that?? He is so insistent that its over that I believe him. He is a stubborn man and once he decides something that tends to be it. I am tending to think that he couldnt have loved me that much to start with if his feelings change so easily.

And I'm starting to agree with his that the depression was bought on by his feelings of guilt that he was no longer happy in the relationship. He does not seem so depressed now he has gone. He seems relieved. He is insistent that he has changed as a person, we have grown apart and he doesnt feel that we're right for each other. I feel that he emotionally disconnected himself when he moved out for a week last year, and he never really came back. He says he wants me to move on quickly so I can have the wonderful life I deserve. I want him to be happy, but I struggle to understand how he can be so in love and want to spend the rest of his life with me, to this.

Sorry for ranting

Lea
xxx

It was exactly the same for me at the beginning (although H went to stay with his brother). Most of his things are still here, and I still sleep in our bed. It's a horrible feeling, especially at first. But is does get a bit better as time passes (I know that's no consolation at all right now).


Oh yes! I still feel like that- it seems horribly unfair, especially if you've had a strong, loving R. Read Essie's threads for some good insight into this. She's a star.


This is interesting. H is a stubborn man, but his feeling change easily? FFrom the point of view of changing his mind, he obviously does change his mind- because he promised to spend his life with you, and has now changed his mind about that. So he CAN change it back again. Ignore what he says about his feelings- he's hurting and lashing out right now. Given time, and DBing, his feelings will change. I don't remember reading, but have you got DR?


This is because he's away from what he BELIEVES is the source of the problem. But it's not true- the problem is within himself, and eventually he'll relaise that being away from you isn't helping him. Give it time.

Is he insistent because you're asking him often? If you are asking him/discussing the R with him, it's really important to stop. R discussions remind the WAS of the feelings they perceive that they lack. The best thing to do is to back off any R talks, any questions and anything discussions about his feelings.....


Lots of WAS speak about wanting you to move on quickly. They say this because it helps them feel better about their own actions. Only you can decide how long you stand for your M, or move on, but by being here you are showing what a strong and committed, loving individual you are. Honestly, I do not believe the words your H is saying to you. I think it's the depression speaking, as it was for Ali's BF when he dropped the bomb on her. And look at him now- he can't get enough of her! (Same for my H- he was insistent that his feelings had changed, and that he just didn't want me any more, but he kissed me in the middle of a pub 2 weeks ago).


Don't be! It's totally normal to feel this way, and you sound so coherent in your posts. You're going to do this Lea!

Hey Lea,
Wow, I could be reading my own sitch listening to you there. Its so similiar (lots of people are in similiar boats, but this depression thing is what strikes me as so similiar). When you said..
Yes! I live by the sea, its the first summery day and I have avoided going to the beach because I cant bear to see all those happy families and couples lounging over one another. I feel so cheated and
yes, jealous.


My BF told his Mum last Feb (and he never told her anything unless it was happening) that we were going to get married in Sweden, honeymoon round Scandinavia and then try for kids or adopt. Then late May, he just sort of "snapped" and didnt love me anymore. He didnt tell me this until the bomb though, he only EVER said, I'm tired. He never once said he was unhappy or what the problems were. Hes also since confessed that he has been badly depressed since last year, March time, yet, he doesnt seem to want to come back to me, even realising that he was unhappy becuase he had depression. I too cant believe someone could just fall out of love (unless you are in an abusive R, which we werent of cours). I also think perhaps he never truly loved me, or let me fully into his soul if he was capable of walking off like this without giving me or us a chance. I dont know how you could bail on someone if you had been completely in love with them at some point, if they've done nothing "wrong" (as he insisted I hadnt).


My BF is the same (although on ADs). I think the stress of being unhappy and wanting to leave and not knowing how added to his depression. Then the guilt of leaving me (and he told friends he "hated himself" for what he'd done and couldnt believe he had been so cruel to me) exacerbated it. He seems fine now, getting on, socialising, playing sport, booking holidays. Like he is relieved to be free. I totally empathise with how this must make you feel. My BF moved out for a week last September, and decided then that he hadnt missed me (but didnt tell me until November).

Dont ever say sorry! We all vent here.

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Do keep DBing. I guess you just have to give it time, see if he realises that he may have made a mistake by throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak?

Ali xxx

Thanks Ali

Our situations are very similar. My H is also on AD's which had affected his mood, and as it took months to find the 'right' medication as some of the side effects were awful and making him worse. (And of course put a strain on our marriage).

Like your BF, my H can do everything apart from be with me. He goes down the pub, plays in a band, they play card games a lot, and since he has been living with his dad he goes to his friend's nearly every night. He is also making contact with this OW.

When he moved out, he also decided that he didnt miss me enough as he should do a wife, and didnt think he loved me as he should love a wife. For the 1st couple of weeks he seemed very confused but he has always been leaning towards not coming back. Now he's made that final decision that we've grown apart and its not going to happen.

I guess my question is-how do you know when its over? There are no children involved so when our house is sold that will be it. We do not have the same circle of friends, so unless one of us initiates contact, that will be it.

I have been convincing myself for so long that his depression was affecting his emotions and our relationship, but actually I am starting to believe H was just a guilty man wanting out. I just find it so hard to know why-we have bought a wonderful house, just got a dog and cat, got married, and BAM! It was literally 4 months after the wedding that his 'symptoms' of depression started. Yet at our wedding he called me his soulmate and told everyone he had been waiting for this day for so long.

So confused at the moment.

Lea
xx

Your H will definitely initiate contact, but it'll be on his time frame as opposed to yours. Try not to have any expectations about how long it will take (I know it's super-hard)

It's only over when YOU decide it's over. So until you decide to call it a day, there's still a chance to turn this around.

Have you got DR? It's an important tool if you're DBing as it gives you your own toolkit for starting your DB plan. The boards are great, but DR is the foundation for them (and I'm not getting commission for saying that!). Sorry to keep asking. It's just that it's so important to read it, and so reassuring aswell. MWD has a great way with words. And sorry if you posted the answer and I missed it!

((((Lea))))

L.xx

Lea, Once again I could have written your post--my H said he wants me to find someone who will make me happy, that something is missing, etc, etc.

I don't know how people's feelings can change so dramatically. If you had chemistry enough to fall in love initially, I think those feelings can be revived.

My H keeps talking about the "old version" of him, who was right for me, and the "new version," who is not. WTF is that all about?

My H, like yours, seems hellbent on S, and I believe he will not change his mind once he goes. Even if he did, his pride would keep him from admitting it.

It's very, very hard to move on when someone has been such a huge part of your life for so long.