Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Piecing or NOT....III

My point is to let him see some changes in you--not always doubting, not asking him if he is telling the truth, etc.

Maybe he expects you to ask him and as a result, he lies, kind of like a kid would do.

Remember what they say--it takes a long time to get over OW. He was only gone for 11 months which, to me, is a short amount of time. He is still not finished with his crisis and since he is home, it is best to be still unless you set boundaries and if he abides by them great, if not, you have some choices.

Patti,

Saffron seems ok at the moment. I have just booked us in for a couple of competitions later this month - will have to see how we do. Our pony however is lamanitic which is giving me a headache. He won't stay in a stable and I can't find a grazing muzzle I can get him to keep on!!!!!

I agree and disagree with Steelers on this one.

I don't know that it is necessarily best to "be still" unless you can live with the way he is acting right now.

If you can detach from it and are "OK" with things then do what you think is best for you. If that is to be still and go with the flow, then OK.

I you can't detach from it, and you are miserable wondering if he is seeing her, if he is sleeping with her, knowing she's still in his apartment, knowing he's lying to you by saying he's going to fix it then doing nothing then i don't think being still is the best thing.

I don't know that always doubting and questioning is the right thing either.

It's kind of like death to your marriage by a thousand cuts.

Basically you have choice to make and only you an decide what is best for you.

1. be still and hope he starts acting like a real husband soon.

2. Take some big and drastic action to let him know you will not tolerate his behavior any longer.

I would suggest to pray about it. I liken your situation right now to pre my first d-day. I knew deep down that he was cheating on me. I knew when I found out that I was going to have to do something - even if that something was NOTHING. I knew I needed a game plan for when it happened.

I Prayed for weeks before looking for evidence. Weeks of pure hell knowing he was seeing her the entire time, but when the time came I had a game plan and was able to carry it out even though it was scary as h$ll.

Praying for you and your H.

BFM

You now seem to be in the state of mind that has you not believing anything he says or does. Not passing judgement, just observing.

If that's the case, this co-habitation is serving no useful purpose.

Your comments will become the ammunition for an escape on his part at some point. He will be able to point back to your questions and implicit accusations and say that you would not forgive, you would not move past the past.

By the same token, I absolutely disagree that you should tolerate continued contact with the other woman in any shape or form. I know that some on this board disagree with me. I've pointed out before that Michelle herself states that the returning spouse MUST be prepared to sever ALL ties with their adulterous partner.

That's ALL ties. Not just the convenient ones.

You NEED to make a choice. By not making one, you are choosing to slowly tear apart what positive things exist between the two of you now.

BFM is right. Your current status is marital death by a thousand small cuts.

You CAN go back to giving him what you promised him in the beginning. 45 days to get rid of the other woman from the apartment. And if that is not met, then you really need to make him leave.

Or you choose to hash this out now.

Personally, I feel like you gave him a condition in offering the 45 day window to get rid of her, and you should stick to it. But I also think you should not tolerate ANY excuses for not meeting this deadline.

And maybe this needs to be re-addressed with him.


Blessings,

Bill

I second Bworl's post.

I too think you should make him move out if he doesn't meet the 45 day agreement, but I know it's easier for us to sit here and tell you that than it is for you to do it.

It's tough to tell them to move out when you fear that they may not ever come back.

You have to get to a place where you no longer fear it if you get a divorce.

Where you no longer fear him moving out again.

I personally think you just need to get pi$$ed off and tell him you love him and want to be married, but not like this.

That he's welcome to come back as soon as she is out of the apartment and you two have written her a NC letter TOGETHER.

Until that time he needs to find a new place. Period. No if ands or buts. No excuses. She needs to be gone, or your gone from this house.

I know - easy for me to write. not so easy to do when he's standing there looking at you telling you exactly what you want to hear.

Not so easy to do when you want so badly to believe him, that you are willing to try it just "one more time"

it sucks. I hate it for you.

BFM

It does take time for them to get over the OP...I know my H was home for about 9 months when I accidently discovered he had emailed her again...actually I found out about the emails about 8 months after they were sent/received...there was no evidence of more so I let it go for a bit...then when I asked he admitted that he had contacted her...I dropped it when he reminded me that he loved me and was no longer contacting her or thinking of her...when I read those emails I realized that was his way of making sure she was okay...the nice guy that he is/was/is I think he needed that for closure...

It takes time...what matters most during this time is how things are between the two of you...I rarely questioned my H about what he was doing and where he was going...I didn't feel threatened for some reason...when I did feel doubt I would ask him...or we would talk about my feelings...he seemed to appreciate that I wasn't accusatory and snoopy...I think he liked to know that I was able to trust him and for the most part that I was/have been able to leave the past in the past and move on with him...

I hope this helps you...take care...piecing is hard...Lin

The thing is Lin that this isn't just something that happened a few times and trailed off - this is something that is STILL happening after all this time.

I agree with Bworl and BFM. Unless Patti does something about this he has no reason to change what he is doing. IMO he is not being a NICE guy he is being a complete bast*rd.

Oh Patty,

Sorry you are going through this terrible time, it must be dreadfully difficult to try and make sense of it all.

This isn't piecing.

This is tolerating bad behavior and not setting boundaries.

This is living in eternal hope that something will change on it's own IF you can only be patient enough.

This is living in fear of pushing him into facing his issues and making him leave again.

This is settling for second best, and being fed the crumbs when you deserve the whole pie.

Can I please ask you to be terribly selfish right now, and do something that makes YOU happy?

Can you stop worrying about him and start worrying about you and your mental health and how all of this BS is affecting you?

Can you make a decision as to what YOU are going to do at the end of this month when nothing has changed and you are still in the same place having the same conversations?

I am worried about you.

(((hugs)))