Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband insists its over-what now? Please help!

lea;

first, i'm sorry you're here...if you were to read my first posting several months ago, you would think you wrote it....my H said the EXACT same things....and yep...he looked so sure and absolute...they have to, it justifies what they are doing...my H moved out 3 months ago and we have not ML since last June...we used to ML 3x a week, then boom, the bomb....and the bombs continued...all the way through to today....found out last month that H has an 8 yr old son from an affair he had 8 years ago...i had NO idea....nothing was different....and he kept it a secret for 8 years......talk about your life being turned upside down..I still feel I'm living a nightmare and I want to wake up...

I still cry everyday...it is hard....I can't lie...and yes I still love my H, I dont' know why...maybe it's the 30 years we've spent together....

Yes, he has another OW...not the same one....it's his "soulmate"..and he's "in love"....remember those words....ILYBINILWY.......whatever....again,....more justisification for what HE'S done....my children are devastated...they now have a half brother, who is 8....and their father has a girlfriend...even told my D15 he did...told her we were only married on paper....he hasn't been in love with me for 15 years....the years change daily....anyway...if you want to read my story you are so welcome to....

"how do they look themselves in the mirror?"
"how do they walk away"

Keep coming here, vent, scream, cry.....we are all here for you...You'll get some great advice for the pros....and you're right....it all happens for reason and in God's time..

Take Care

Treese

Lea, My H, too said the EXACT same words--doesn't love me as a H should love a W, all of it. He is depressed, for sure--but he'd say it's because of his unhappiness with me. Yet he's not really doing anything to move out. I am not standing in his way exactly, but I'm certainly not going to help him, which is what he seems to want. I also know about the lack of life in the eyes. I feel like I'm invisible to H lately. When I'm with anyone else--I mean, anyone--I feel more appreciated and validated as a human being. So why do I even want him?

I forget--is your H still living there? Mine is. In fact he is chomping on an apple about a foot away from me.

I don't know. After 6 months, I still struggle and wonder what to do. My H&I have been together for 19 years and our lives are completely entwined--financially, plus we have kids together. I am also torn about DBing or just trying to accept this and move on somehow. I guess if you DB properly, it's about moving on and focusing on you. It's very hard not to hope for a restored M as a result.

please don't buy EVERY single word he says, don't, he DID love you to marry you, he DID find you incredibly sexy.
His brain isnt' working right and he is not about to admit that, it is easier to find a scape goat.
You got the same lecture so many of us got 'never was really happy, no connection, never really in love' LIES

He can call the sky green all he wants, but you know the truth, you were withhim for 10yrs, you know he did love you and nothing, not even him can erase those good years. Put those happy memories away safely... and do waht you are doing now, taking care of yourself and let him go gently.

Lea, you are starting to get it. You need to imagine and envision a life without him. Doesn't mean you WANT that life. but you need to imagine it and start moving that way. This is what your husband is asking you to do. And you don't have much choice.

The track record for begging and pleading is poor. It won't work. he has thought about this a great deal, and though it does not make sense to you, it does make sense to him, in his current state. Fighting him will only push him away more strongly.


Yes!

Giving up on the battle, but not giving up on your marriage. giving up on the arguments, but not on the love and kindness.
Giving up on the conflict, but not on your firm principles that tell you marriage is worth saving, marriage is valuable and good and important.

Hi

Not feeling so confident and bold this morning! Last night I was convinced that there was no future for us, and today the doubts have started to creep in again.

I know my H is treating me badly at the moment but it still doesnt stop me loving him, the person he was before this.

This is soooooooooo difficult!!

Lea
xxx

Lea
it is so difficult
especially at the beginning the first 3-6 months
then it eases up a bit
but it is still hard
we have to practice getting a life and doing things one day at a time for us
its ok to hold on to a little hope
some return..most LBS seem to get better and do eventually move on--just takes time
C is helpful
reading books on MLC or crises
mediation, religion, prayer
then before you know it more time passes and the situation shifts maybe becomes stable as the mlcer continues their journey alone thru the tunnel
you didnt cause it nor can you cure it
peace

Hi Lea,

I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I meant to post the other evening but didn't get time, but I wanted to say that I don't think 20s is too early for a crisis to hit- some people refer to it as a QLC, and it's a time when individuals question everything about their lives and choices so far. From what I've read, some parts are similar to MLC, but there seems to be less associated anger (although obviously this would differ from case to case). MWD herself says in an article somewhere on the site that a crisis can hit in the 20s too...my H is 29 and has said lots of the same things to me as your H has to you; I'll try to post some illustrations over the weekend.

Either way, I think the principles of DBing remain the same- GAL, try to detach (I know it's hard), and act AS IF around your H. As you'll see already, there is great support here, and some hugely experienced people on this board whose advice is invaluable.

(((((Lea)))))) You still loving your H in spite of the situation is a testament to you being a caring and big-hearted person. That's something to be proud of.

Lisa

Thanks for your replies.

I think I am in that stage where you swing from feeling better and hopeful about life, then suddenly remembering that this is really happening and the pain comes flooding back!

He may be coming over tonight to talk about what we are going to do with the house. Not sure if I'm up to it though-met up with some friends last night and drank a bit too much wine and I am paying for it now! Not sure I can deal with such a difficult conversation whilst feeling like this. Would it be bad to cancel??

One Day, I am going to have a read of your threads now.

Lea
xxx

be very careful about what you say and dont' agree on anything until you do your homework, ok? I reached an agreement with stbx about our house and later on I realized it would be unfair to me even if at the time it sounded good.

Hey Lea!

Me and One day both found you, so I hope I can help too. My BF told me IDLYA and that he wasnt depressed, it was just the R making him unhappy when he dropped the bomb last November. He even emailed me to state, he's not depressed, hes not got depression, its just that its run its course. He then didnt speak to me for a month from Christmas. Fast forward to Feb and he starts popping over (still wont talk), then March - finally gets diagnosed with depression and confesses to me hes had it this bad for a year! He apologies for never telling me. We were then in daily contact and I saw him once, sometimes twice a week. I have NEVER mentioned our R to him since Dec. I havent asked him anything, barely ever initiated contact - he has kept it up, or pressurised him. I have tried to just be a patient, loving forgiving friend to him (and all my craziness and emotions get vented here on my manic thread!!). I never dump any of my emotions on him apart from crying twice in the last 4 months (once when I was ill), but I quickly recovered.

I did all of this with the help of people here, else I couldnt have managed it. DBing made it safe for him to get back in contact, maintain contact and feel able to spend time with me.

I would say that people with depresion are hard to understand. They are not in touch with their emotions (are you seeing a C? I am and she is excellent and explaining to me what he may be going through). They are unable to express themselves, their fears, their emotions - thats how they end up depressed. Your H has had ALOT of changes and stuff to deal with, and for now he is confused and pinning it on "the R". I would read the book, read other peoples threads here, and work on JUST being a friend to him. Be a safe haven for him, someone he can turn to. Use humour if you can and also, make sure you do a bit of GAL so it appears to him taht you are "ok" - guilt is a factor in not being able to deal with us (was for my BF).

Best wishes!
Ali x
______________
Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years
IDLYA: 2 Nov 07
Own flat: 26 Jan 08
Depression confirmed: 4 Mar
NFC whats next!