Well things went well on Friday when I picked my H up at the airport.
I brought along my cheerleaders with me and pulled them out whenever I started to get jittery. It really did help, Tal. You guys had on little kick skirts and sweaters with the letter W on them. I never questioned why I visualized the letter "W" until now. I guess it stands for "wife"?
Anyway, as soon as my H saw me, he came over with a big smile and said "you look delicious" and gave me a really nice kiss. As we wait for his luggage to show up, we exchanged some pretty passionate kisses. On the way home we stopped at an East Indian restaurant and he sat beside me in our booth and pulled me close to him and there was much touching.
H had gotten a tattoo while in Alaska, it was a pattern that his father had drawn before he died and H had it transferred onto his lower leg. He said that it was a memorial to his Dad. (It's odd that he did this as he barely gave his father the time of day when he was alive. Guilt maybe?) He wanted to know if I liked it and then began to say something about me having to live with it for the rest of ..... And here is where I cut him off by jumping in too soon with "yes, of course I like it". I'm still stomping myself in the foot for not letting him finish.
Anyway, it was obvious that he was excited to see me again. Let's just say that a week without is a long time for my H, if you know what I mean.
All and all Friday was a very good day and I felt like the beloved wife. However, just as I had feared, things began to sag a little over the weekend.
While H was in Alaska, I had gone over to our house on Parkside, (for those who don't know, we live in my mom's home so that I can take care of her and her husband who have Alzheimer’s) and while I was there, I took the polish dictionary the OW had given him that he had on display and relocated it to a less conspicuous spot. Somehow, having her gifts lying about our home is irritating to me and a constant reminder that he has had her over there in our home where we were married and started our life together and had many happy memories.
So on Saturday, we went to our house on Parkside and he noticed that the dictionary had been moved and got really irritated with me. He simply refuses to accept my reason for moving it out of sight. He claims that it, along with the other things she gave him, are just inanimate objects and that it shouldn't bother me. He said some more hurtful things to me and I got the distinct feeling that those inanimate objects that she had given him mattered plenty to him.
He had brought home gifts for himself, for me and for his co-workers. I had had a bad dream on Saturday morning, which consisted of him having bought her a very expensive pair of fire opal earrings and a matching tie clasp, for himself. I told him about the dream and then asked if he had gotten anything for her. He didn’t say “no”, he just said “I told you, I’ve already burned that bridge”. I have no recollection of his ever having said that, but I do look at his bringing me into his workplace before he left for Alaska, as a powerful statement to that affect.
Anyway, things were no longer on the level of wonderful by Sunday, but then too, he was in a lot of pain from his neck and back.
This morning, he left for work 45 minutes earlier than normal and didn’t seem to have a reason for that. Of course, my mind is spinning “Oh gads, he’s probably going over to see her at her home before they go to work so that he can say “hello” to her in private. Unfortunately, this is not something that I would put past him.
I’m anxiously waiting to find out if H’s boss moved the OW out of his department or not. This could make a big difference in our progress and I think H is nervous over it too. Last night he said that he was feeling a bit anxious because he didn’t know what had happened while he was gone or what to expect after his week long absence.
It’s gong to be a long day for me. Trying to stay hopeful, trying to stay calm.
Lots of emotions over your weekend, hmmm? Sounds like you did a great job of "being there" -- cheerleading for yourself and h, rational about the dictionary, addressing your gift anxieties with h.
I'm irked with him for not being more sensitive to you and your feelings -- re the "inanimate objects" but perhaps I"m just projecting???
What's up for you week? anything special planned for YOU? for you together?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Moving the dictionary may have irked him because it says that you haven't accepted his word that it's over. I know that upsets my H to no end. I find I still have to stifle alot of opinions and requests to rebuild trust, but it seems like it is slowly coming. Give him some time and some patience. You can't make him want to be home - he has to realize he wants it as well. OW will never "disappear" completely, so you both will have to figure out how to put her in the past.
Yes Sage, it irks me as well. I do think that it is a case of insensitivity on his part considering that I had previously explained to him how seeing her gifts in our home acted as a painful reminder of her presence and was counter-productive to the healing process.
I felt like saying, "if they're just inanimate objects with no real sentimental value, then why don't you just get rid of them or at the very least keep them out of my sight. Are my feelings worth less than those things?
I did go back over to Parkside before he got there on Sunday and put the dictionary back on it's shrine. He went there later to mow and feed his snakes and later mentioned that he'd noticed that I'd been there, but that is all he had to say.
I figure I'll leave it be for now and just wait to see if he does something with it that would be more in line with my needs. I've thrown the ball back into his court, so it's now up to him to do (or not do) the right thing.
You guys looked FABULOUS in your cheerleader outfits. And boy can you kick!
I'm beginning to lose my ability to believe that my H has truly "burned that bridge" that he spoke of.
He left for work 45 minutes earlier than normal, then called me on his lunch break and sounded distant and low. I was not feeling well, was experiencing severe abdominal pain and told him so and asked him to call me back later.
It is now 6:10pm and I have received no call and this is late for him to get home. Work is officially over at 4pm.
I can't help but think that he is with her. I'm feeling so miserable right now. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the situation and I fear that I might not be able to contain myself when he gets here. I will try, but I'm not sure that I can pull it off. I'm so sick of this.
I don’t even know where to begin, so much happened and for the most part, I came unglued while H played the part of Stone man.
I now believe that H ended the A with OW for real this time. I asked him if that was making him feel bad and he very coolly and sincerely replied “no, not at all”.
Normally, this would have been a big relief for me and would have been the main content of this post. Unfortunately, all is NOT well.
I asked him what had happened over the past few days that caused him to cool toward me since returning from Alaska. He thought for a moment and then said, “Time passed”.
I can’t fully recall what was said but I came to ask him how long he had been feeling a lack of affection for me and he replied in a matter-of-fact manner, “For years”.
This is when I completely lost it and let all hell break loose. I was no longer in DB mode.
I won’t go into all the gory details. I’ll just touch on the moments that stand out and/or that I can remember.
My H let me know last night that he loves me but he can’t live with me. Said he’s been feeling this way for years but was too afraid to leave because of what I might do or what I might become. He made reference to the fact that I had hurt him in many ways over the past years. I pressed him to tell me what I did specifically and he made mention of my over-powering him.
He spoke of my sadness, my not trusting him and his feeling like he is just a wee little man. He even admitted that he might be projecting these things on to me, but that that is how he feels.
He also admitted that he had discussed his infidelity and our situation to his sister while he was with her up in Alaska. I did not get the details of their discussion, but I would guess that he has informed her of his feeling of wanting to escape. He’s not the type to disclose his infidelity without defending it. So now, I’m pretty sure that this will get around to the rest of the family. This feels really awful to me. It’s as though he has made a declaration.
It was nearly midnight by the time the fur stopped flying. We were both worn out. He said he was going to sleep in the other room and then we ended up standing together in the kitchen at first just staring at each other.
He told me that because I’m always trying to get love from him, he can never give love to me. (You’ll notice that my H uses words like “always” and “never” a lot).
Now here is where I wish I could remember exactly the words my H used because it was highly significant. He said something to the affect that maybe we needed to end our relationship and try coming together fresh. That maybe that was the place to start.
He started to cry and said that he was terrified to leave. We ended up holding each other and kissing and then we went to bed, kissed some more and I thanked him for tolerating all the negative things I had said and asked him for forgiveness. He said he had already forgiven me and said that he hoped that someday I could forgive him.
We talked about how much sex with one another means to the both of us and he once again reiterated that it was the absolute best with me and that that part of him was all mine, exclusively. I smiled and then….well….we proved our point.
This morning, as H was getting ready to leave, I asked him “are we alright?” He wobbled for a painfully long time as though he was trying to find a gentle way to lower the axe and then said “for the most part”. I repeated “for the most part?” he wobbled for a little while longer and then said that he didn’t know what to say, that he was very tired. He then left for work.
So now it’s out in the open, my H said he loved me but doesn’t want to live with me. H loves having sex with me but…..? H gave me conflicting information. H gave me relevant information.
I don’t know where to go from here, I don't even know if I belong in "piecing" anymore. I just know that I feel like curling up into a little ball and disappearing.
