Just a thought, since you are journalling everything did you ever think of making a top 5 page with your most positive entries? You could even make it pocket size with bullet points to pull out when you are down or getting angry. I always go back to my kids or their pics to remind me of when the R was good.
Good Luck and thanks for keeping up with me. David
Thanks for taking the time to post to my thread. I know that you've just had a tough blow and I'm supposing that you are still reeling from the shock of it.
Keeping a "top 5 page of positive entries" to carry around with me, sounds like a good idea. I will try that.
Yes, the anger could be due in part to impatience. However, I noticed this rage forming after I discovered that my H's promise a while back - "I'm going to tell you the truth from now on, no matter how unpleasant" (he made that seemingly sincere promise on his own without any prompting from me) - was in itself a lie. He has since then broken that promise over and over again.
Why bother to make the da*% promise in the first place! Now I feel like he was just trying to give himself more playing area.
I really don't know what to believe anymore.
Even those times when he swore that he was telling me the truth, I later found out that he was lying then too!
Is building trust with me so unimportant to him? Is his word worth nothing? Will I ever be able to believe him again about anything?
I'll continue to try and take it one day at a time, but in light of my discovering H's lack of honor, it's going to be a lot more difficult. I was ready to forgive and move on before, but this has mangled something inside of me.
Sorry to be so negative. I know you and others are trying to help me with my mental attitude, I'm just having a rough time getting to higher ground.
Quoting Jeannine: Is building trust with me so unimportant to him? Is his word worth nothing? Will I ever be able to believe him again about anything?
I'll continue to try and take it one day at a time, but in light of my discovering H's lack of honor, it's going to be a lot more difficult. I was ready to forgive and move on before, but this has mangled something inside of me.
Jeannine --
I don't have any easy answers for you, hon. 'course, if I did, you'd see me apply them in my own sitch!
You know that I've spent a lot of time stuck in a similar sitch -- basically wondering about the failure to be honest on the part of my h. (in the way past, in the recent past -- have no evidence re. the present) and wondering about what that may mean for the future of our m. It clearly doesn't bode well if h. is unable to be honest with me...and there are times when I feel that any current "dishonesties" of any significant proportions could impact his ability to tell me the truth in the future (in other words, if he's withheld something of import from the past, that may greatly diminish his ability to be totally honest in the future).
I've spent a lot of time trying to analyze my own role here -- looking at how my reactions may have impacted his comfort level with disclosure, etc. I certainly have had a role in his discomfort level about expressing ambiguity and/or possibly even talking to me about mundane stuff -- I'm working on that.
In some ways, though, I liken the lying to the way I feel about the a. I had a role in setting the stage for it to happen but I wasn't the one that drove the decision. In other words, I'm more than happy to take responsibility for the role I've played but I'm not taking responsibility for his decision to be unfaithful. sorry. there are other ways for him to manage his own pain, whatever. In a similar vein, yah, I'm sure it's scary to tell the truth in a tight spot...but honesty remains one of the options. If I ask a question which has an answer that you think will set me off...well, answer it anyway and DEAL with my response. a valid choice. (Of course, the semi-flip side is that they don't just fear the emotional response but the practical one too -- will she leave? etc)
I'm not helping here.
I don't know much about the psychology of lying other than what seems sort of obvious. Perhaps that's a place for me to apply some energy.
One thing I would like to offer -- it's kind of wrapped up in the above blur of words -- beyond perhaps some small point, h's inability to be honest with you isn't about YOU. It's about him. And, it's likely to be driven by a thousand different things in him -- fear being top on the list, I think. But, you knew that!
Sage
PS Don't take this the wrong way but I personally think that anger may be the healthiest emotion for you right now -- you do so much for so many -- I think getting royally pissed off and working through it will be of tremendous benefit. Hmmmm...maybe I should get BULLS*&T???
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I liked your reply. I agree that the business of lying sits squarely on H's shoulders. I've always made it a point to thank my H for answering my questions, even when the answer hurt, and for any volunteered information. I've told him repeatedly that it is better for me to hear the truth, even the unpleasant. I've gone out of my way to make him as comfortable as possible in being truthful.
Your point is well taken in that it is something in him, perhaps a fear of what I might do if I know what is really going on. No matter what his reasons though, the lies make me feel like a fool living in a card house.
My H appears to be trying, however, I now have to wonder if it is just an act to keep me off the scent. Here lies the dirty reality of breaking the bond of trust, repeatedly. I can't heal and in reality, neither can he.
I believe that you are right about the need for me to be in touch with my anger. It's a larger dose than I am comfortable with, but ultimately it is healthier to let it surface than to ignore it. As you already know, I'm a big believer in letting one's emotions have the time and energy of expression. Excluding violence and self-defeating behaviors of course.
I don't think there will be a quick fix for this particular problem, I will just have to take it one day at a time (as Kelli has suggested) and hopefully someday my health will rebound enough so that everything isn't so overwhelming.
What I think is happening is First he doesnt want to make you angry at him, and that he is so ashamed that He doesnt think that if he tells you that you can work things out. So what he does is keeps lieing to cover up other lies and now its starting to get out of control. Its hard to go back to the beginning when you are so affraid of what might happen.
If he just came clean I think that he would find out what a wonderful person that he got lucky enough to marry. Anyway keep your chin up.
Here is a letter to my H that I wrote about a week and a half ago. It's just a tiny bit spicey for those of you who want to skip it. Jeannine
I wanted to let you know that your kind, loving and open behavior with me a while back, was a healing balm for my battered heart and body. I really felt for the first time, in a very long time, that there was a ray of sunshine piercing it’s way through the dark storm clouds that I have been withering under for so long.
At last I could turn my face away from the loneliness, the humiliation, the engulfing sadness that I have shared my days and nights with. I was ready to begin the journey of healing and reconciliation back to tenderness and trust once more.
That is why I now find myself pressing deeper into the quagmire of depression as I unwrap one lie after another, while my memory mocks my naiveté in believing the promise you made, not to lie to me anymore.
Once again, I am at arm’s length; speaking to walls; outside looking in; feeling in the way; doubting and uncertain.
As before, I find myself unable to give of myself completely. The wall erects itself again, separating us from true intimacy and the bond of trust is underfoot, damaged and crumbling along with my most tender of feelings.
Once again, I find myself thinking what I don’t want to think about; the possibility that I have been offering fragile gifts to someone with numb hands and that maybe I should seek another to share myself in deep abandonment.
Deep abandonment, a place where I want to find you - you my husband, my friend, my lover. A place where the cry of sexual release comes not just from the body, but from cerebral communion. A cry of not only pleasure, but of sweet surrender.
I know that you carry within you a world of pain too and I see you struggle against the sticky grip of your own web, and I hurt for you. I hurt for me. I hurt for what could be but has not yet been.
