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I googled the brain chemical info. I understand more now the need for not only me not talking to the OM, but the OM not talking to me either. I am addicted and I need to stop it altogether. I don't want to lose this chance at keeping my marriage. I reassured H that I have not contacted OM today because I could see it on his face. I have been on this forum a lot of the day, and he probably wondered if I tried messaging the OM on the computer. He asked a couple more questions about OM. I think this is how it will go...he will ask a little at a time. I answered and was completely honest. He said "why dont you just throw the phone away" I said you are right...I feel I can now because I feel like the OM won't come to the house ever now. I could tell he was more worried that I would say I loved the OM. He expressed his concern about whether the OM will try to contact me. I told him I dont think he will and if he does I will let him know immediately and I will get a restraining order if I have to. The last time I talked to OM he didn't realize it was over for sure because we had "broken up" so many times before. Now he knows. So, the phone will be gone and we can start picking up the pieces. I told H again that I will never do this again and I plan on reassuring him this over and over again. I will never do this again.

CBK- I remember saying what she said but just wanting my H to do something to stop me...to sit down with me and figure it out...to take steps to get a counselor for us knowing we BOTH have to fix things, write me a letter saying what he was going to do to make our life different than before...convince me....because the OM was convincing me to leave and was doing a good job of making me feel that was the way to go, making me feel everything that H never was able to do......


I will get "AFter the Affair" tomorrow. Thank you, Sara.

WDID,

Have your new cellphone's bill come, with detailed billing, to your husband. It will help him learn to trust you again. This does not have to be a permanent arrangement, and I'm not trying to turn you into a Stepford Wife, believe me. But for the next 6-12 months, I think this would really help him.

Puppy

That would be a good start. You have to be willing to give reassurances.

First, I congratulate you for your decision not to break up your family. You state that in your marriage, “something was missing,” and “feelings were lacking.” You tried counseling but it looks like it didn’t get to the core issues, nor build on your strengths as a couple. Now, you realize that looking elsewhere for the answer was not the solution to your plight. The appropriate guilt and pain that you feel is the result of poor choices you made in the past. You seem to operate on the “pleasure principle,” seeking after what makes you happy at the time, setting aside the possibility of real love with your spouse because you allow other men into your life. You ask how long it takes to get rid of the feelings you have for the other men. I’ll answer w/an illustration:
A Hindu grandpa told his grandson about 2 dogs who each sat on one of his shoulders: The good dog gave him good advice, and the bad dog gave him poor advice. Curious, the boy asked, “Grandpa, which dog wins? Grandpa answered, “The one I feed.”
By constantly thinking about the OM, you are feeding the wrong dog. I hear your longing for your H’s reassurance and of his wanting and needing you. Most likely, your love languages are different. Learn to speak each other’s love language. A good book on the subject is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Give the love you want to receive. And addressing your son, the greatest gift you can give him is the knowledge that his parents love and respect each other. Love is behavior. I wish you well!

Leni, that was wise and beautiful. I love the Hindu story!!!

Puppy

Puppy- new cell, bill is under H's name and he can check it online anytime he wants. Cell is gone. Yahoo messenger deleted off computer. MSN messenger deleted off computer. Myspace account canceled. I have nothing to hide anymore. He can check anything he wants, anytime he wants. I told him this. I told him he has every right to know my whereabouts at every second. I will reassure the heck outta him. It's amazing. The minute I did all of that, the more I realize what a fool I've been. I realize more of how the OM were NOTHING in comparison to him. I was a complete fool. I am still going to need him to change the way he shows me love and we have sooooo many issues to deal with, but I realize that HE is the one I want to do this with.

Leni, our counselors were bad and we shoudl have looked for another but didn't. Looking elsewhere made me feel like I had found exactly what I was looking for, made me feel exactly how I wanted to feel, but it wasn't what I wanted (I just didn't know this at the time). I wanted to be with my husband and feel those things. Making a poor choice is putting it lightly I want to go back and change it all. He and I have both read the Love Language book but although he knew my love language, never chose to change at the time. Unfortunately, it took the A to make him want to learn and change.

Here's the latest on top of the fact I have gotten rid of everything in connection to the OM: Last night, H looked mad and I asked him to talk to me about it. He explained how he has these ups and downs where he feels sooo good being back with me, and then he feels awful because he thinks of the OM with me and touching me, etc. These talks are so painful. He asks more questions and I answer. It is awful. THis is what I deserve. I know this. God, why did I have to do this? He said he never would have guessed I would have done this, it makes me feel even worse. He says, "What have I done to you?" I reassure him that it was my; choice, my stupidity. He says he could have done the same thing but would never have done that to me. He gets mad, I get mad, we both apologize, we cry...we say how this will make us stronger and better and cry some more and hold each other. We have a long, long road ahead of us.

Today I think about him all day, hardly any time spend on thinking about OM. I can't concentrate on work.

WDID,

I am very, very proud of you. That took GUTS. I hope your husband is thanking you for the efforts you are making?

As painful as those convos are, they need to happen, and in due time, you can both heal. Just make sure he doesn't constantly beat you over the head with your affair, and "lord it over" you.

I tip my hat to you.

Puppy

WDID,

Take Sara's advice and get After the Affair. It's really good.

You have to accept that in the beginning you will have to endure your husband's insecurity, anger and fear. It's a phase. He'll eventually let go of it.

In addition, your husband needs help on getting his groove back and attracting you back.

WDID, you are doing great. Thanks for your input on my thread. Again, invaluable. How I wish my wife would be where you are. I am praying and doing my part to get her there.

Thanks everyone for the support. I'm going to continue to need it. My husband is not thanking me, he is sad/mad at me and himself for allowing this to happen. He is good about not "lording it over" me, but the pain is in his eyes at times, and he can't hide it.

I will have the book, After the Affair, in my hands today hopefully. I'm hoping this will help us.

The funny thing is I don't feel my H not trusting me really. The issues that we are dealing with is the fact that I had the A at all, that he feels stupid for not knowing for 2 years, the anger/sadness he feels about me being with someone else, the fact that he did nothing to change things the past 2 years.

I am feeling love towards my H more than ever. I want to be with him now, rather than coming up with reasons to leave the house. When he is not with me I still think of OM and how it would be so easy to call him (I could find a way, payphone if I wanted) and how great I would feel so quickly. I think about the pain he is going through, too. I know I need to focus on H, and I am, and I know this is what I want, but I am going through withdrawels still and I realize this. It doesn't take much: a tv show that has something on it that reminds me of him, a song, a certain food, a joke that I know he would find funny, etc. I try not to think about it, because I know I am "feeding the dog". It is still hard. I still find myself looking for his car as I drive. I can feel it is a little better, though. SOmeone told me that it takes 3 good weeks to get over it and I have only just stopped looking at my phone and messages, etc. So it is probably only 1-2 days of my 3 weeks. I no longer am wanting the OM, just feeling sad about it all....does this make sense?

Last night when H came home he scared me because I was in the office and didn't hear the garage door. I've been cleaning and organizing like a madwoman to keep myself busy. After my initial surprise he comes rushing in and picks me up off the floor, and I wrap my legs around him and we hug and laugh. God, it was sooo nice. He says, "How's my wife?" OMG I have missed this sooo much. He is being very affectionate with me knowing that this is what has been lacking our whole marriage. He is changed and is continually changing. We are going to be ok. Just need time.

My son is the happiest I have ever seen him. This just makes me so mad that I wasted 2-3 years of our family's life. But, it also makes me so happy that I woke up and made the right choice.

Hopeful4her, from what I read in your situation, your wife will be where I am and if she doesn't get there, she will regret it the rest of her life. The fact she cries at church and how she is with you at times....just points in the direction of what she wants....it is just that pull from the OM that is so strong and clouds her decision making. She feels that she will never feel this way again if she comes back to you. I am praying for you. I have a feeling she will get there.