Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Letting God Take Control Part 9

PH
Your H sounds like so many of the mlcers here
he seems to be torn
cant come back b/c they are so focused on everything that was bad
thet lack the capacity to visualize a better M like we do
but they also cant seem to move on either they are stuck in limbo
one foot in, one out
so your H isnt really done with his crises and needs time
be supportive, but focus back on yourself
he has to figure it out on his own
pray and let go
I think these R talks are useful now and again
It helps us realize they are still cooking and lets them know, we are still standing
peace

Peace, I asked my H last night if he was in a hormonal crisis. His response was "I don't know anything about hormonal crises." He's torn, but hopefully closer to me than 1 year ago. It seems that his words don't match his actions, either. Like Michele says, don't listen to what they say but pay attention to their actions.

I told him last night that if he ever wanted to talk about anything at all, I would be there for him. I told him he was welcome to join me for Church anytime and that our Church offered an online sermon service.

I know our R talk covered alot of food for thought. I am praying that he thinks and processes all we talked about.

I guess I find it hurtful that my H is still bringing the past after almost 2 years. He knows I have changed and yet he still brings up the past disagreements and what he didn't like about me. Is it an excuse to not work on himself? I can't help wondering why he hasn't filed for D. Whether it's because he still wants to be married or whether it's for financial reasons. It's so heart wrenching and painful. I am still crying about our conversation. I am praying for strength, and pain relief.

Not going out tonight - raining pretty heavily. Otherwise, I would have gone ballroom dancing. I think I am just so tired and weary from not getting enough sleep the last 3 days and from the R talk with my H.

One of my friends thinks the R talk showed progress because he didn't lose his temper. He admitted during the ocnversation that part of the M failing was because he has a bad temper. And he told me he hasn't changed completely. I think he meant he's still got a bad temper. When I asked if he was afraid he'd hurt me again, he said it wasn't the case, I think.

When I asked if he'd consider trying things out with him and me still living separately, he said he didn't want to lead me on. What does that mean? Does it mean he has no intention to change his mind about our S? Or does it mean he doesn't know the outcome yet?

I think he's depressed and I wish he would go see someone about it.

Thanks for listening to me vent...

PH:

I think sometimes that they think those changes are not for real, that they are fake as a way to get them back. Until they see consistency, which I am sure your H has, then it becomes real but they have a hard time accepting/believing it.

I can tell you first hand that H said this time around was so much better at home vs. over a year ago when he tried for three weeks.

He even thanked me on Monday night for not calling him and yelling at him for leaving us again. I told him I had no intention of calling him at all. He was surprised.

Keep the faith and pray---things are happening behind the scenes that we do not see.

Steelers, Thanks. I think you are right that he is afraid it's not for real. It's amazing that at least the last 2 or 3 days' Carlyne Cares newsletter have been speaking to my circumstance. I wonder how can it be really speaking to me in particular because the newsletters are sent to everyone with different circumstances. Aren't the Steinkemps writing the newsletters in a generic way to cover everyone's bad circumstances? I wonder...

Your H is reallly in for a surprise this time. I really hope he's processing. It almost seems he's trying so hard to disprove what he's seeing in you.

Same with my H. He even said at the end that he can spend his money however and whenever he wants. Well, if that's so important to him, why is he still depressed, right?

Thanks for reminding me that things are happening behind the scenes. I have been praying harder than ever these last days. I guess Satan is perhaps trying harder as well to win a losing battle.

PH
we can not really figure out what they mean b/c they are not totally clear probably b/c they dont really know themselves
this is so hard for us as we have waited for such a long time and we are tired
you have done so well and your outlook is always optimistic
peace

Peace, Thanks. Yes, it's exhausting. What are you referring to by "You have done so well"? Do you mean about being patient with my H?

As for an optimistic outlook, I really feel there's no other better way than to be optimistic because "thoughts become things". This whole journey has taught me gratitude. I also shared this with my H during our R talk. I think I surprised him with many of the things I said. He brought up that I was controlling in our M. I told him I understand now why I was that way. That my counselloe very early on in the S told me I needed control of my world because I was abandoned from childhood days. I needed to control my world all those years to feel safe because there was not anyone else who would show me love and care. I explained that the C told me that if only my H and I had understood, he'd be able to point out whenever I tried to be controlling so I can be aware of it and stop. But for the most part, I am aware enough to stop myself.

He said he tried to be there for me and I explained why I didn't see it. He wasn't consistent, because he himself was/is dealing with his own issues (which he may not be aware of, even now) and he said he's forgetful.

We talked about our love tanks being empty. I asked if he still thought I didn't love him. I think he said he doesn't think that anymore (after almost 2 years). He really is surprised that I wasn't happy that he left. He honestly thought I wanted him to leave.

PH: Didn't you know, I have been emailing Charlyne the last few days explaining your situation and that is why it hits close to home. JUST KIDDING!!!

Okay, hope I made you laugh but for a long, long time, I would get these daily emails and it was so strange because it was as if it were written for me on that particular day.

Steelers,

That was funny! It made me smile. It makes sense that God is speaking through the newsletters. Especially when I have been feeling the urge to read them. For a long long time, I stopped reading the newsletters. I have only started up the last few weeks or so. I felt God was nudging me and burdening me to read them again. Isn't it strange?

My H also brought up that we don't get along, and so are not meant for each other. I told him that things were different then than now because I have learned so many things. I told him I wasn't trying to trick him, and I don't want to go back to a bad marriage either. He said "I know because you are honest."

I said I know better than to go back there. I want a new and improved marriage. I told him that God can help us make it work. He forgot that we had a good R before things went bad. He also admitted that we screwed up and the M failure had nothing to do with God.

I am praying that God gives him the energy he needs, that he goes to counselling and that he discards the lies that Satan is putting in his mind. I hope he checks out the online sermons.

PH
It would be hopeful for me if some of these mlcers return
seems like so few do
I meant you are doing well..you seem to take care of yourself
I hope your H will also do the nessesary work needed
we point out the simple truths to them and they can also see the changes, yet they are paralyzed to make the right moves
peace