The shock tactics are some way down the line if I ever get there, guess in the early days the ups and downs you look at everything and also I use my this just to journal my thoughts. By doing so, I get others opinions and it helps to reinforce what I really know so TY.
The problem I see with things I like to do are that all my hobbies I had were very time cosuming, which is part of the reason they stopped. There are some completely new things I fancy trying though, which I've looked into a little and guess I just need to go for it. Yoga, meditation, Boxercise (just not the fighting, might spoil my looks !!!;-) ). I do cycle and run a lot as it is and have always love exercise in general.
Will go back to an old footy team for pre season training in the summer to and hope to swing the clubs a few times also.
The more I journal and get responses on here though, I realise how much I'm probably rushing things and that things are probably pretty good for where I'm at, so I must slow down. I think this is where yoga and meditation might help me.
The more I journal and get responses on here though, I realise how much I'm probably rushing things and that things are probably pretty good for where I'm at, so I must slow down.
I'm glad you spotted this point. Initially we're all in a rush to get things sorted one way or another but slowing down gives us time to reflect on things and apprieciate the small steps going in our favour. Take recognizing this as a small positive.
I just read your whole thread and you are getting there. The GAL stuff is a big part of it all. Find something to do that becomes a passion. I used to do the boxing workouts for several years and it was very fullfilling. I had dreams of becoming the undisputed middle weight champ, but decided that I liked my long nose too much. Doing stuff with your son's is probably the best GAL you can do. Have you thought about scouting with your boy's?
The whole A thinking can drag you down. Also, for some, an A is unforgiveable. Only you can decide. Think of it as a sickness and that of your vows "for in sickness as in health" or "for better or worse". I just want to point out that many of those long term 50+ year marriages have experienced and "A" and recovered. If you want to read detailed reference about A's, I highly suggest "NOT 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass. Look at your local library.
Patience is a virtue in all of this. As others have said, this is not some sprint or middle distance race, it is a marathon. Your W is not going to just snap out of it overnight.
Have you seen a lawyer? I did early on to educate myself of what might possibly occur if W was going to file. You need to know the risks of your moving out versus your W moving out. You are not at this point now and hopefully you wont get there, but you have very little control over your W's direction in her life now. The boy scout motto (or is that slogan) is "Be Prepared" and in the US Coast Guard our motto was "Semper Paratus" (Always Ready).
Besides GAL, detaching and "letting go" of your wife and marriage is crucial. Try to say the following mantra without bringing yourself to tears...
Quote:
My wife is gone. I dont need my wife. But, I want my wife.
My marriage is over. I dont need my marriage. But, I want my marriage.
Likewise, this poem about letting go helped me a lot:
Quote:
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
And someone (I think it might have been Just_Me) posted a different opinion of their version of the last resort technique that is enlightening:
Quote:
In this humble man's opinion, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
I went out to a friends house formpoker game and was going out afterwards, but when ringing friends that had cancelled. anyway, just got home and W home but as going to bed she announced she is sleeping in sons bed (kids out for night) which is so off. But the reason ? it was so not like her. also, I've seen a number i do not recognisein her phne and she has rang it twice when out, so bit dubious. Been drinking so a bit paranois by actions and therefore snooped, bigbackslide i know but i felt i had too. Hopefully not major as she is home relatively early, but might depend on if she is snooping and readin this (another paranoia of mine). So i might of notmtold all with that fear.
anyway, Good weekend all, maybe an update tomorrow when sober.
It would be interesting if she snooped her to find that you snooped on her. How could she logically be mad that you snooped as shy would be a hypocrite for snooping on you?
My W knows of this site, but AFAIK has never read any of it. I do know of one excellent poster on here that actually had his second wife D him because of his posts on here and then she remarried him. He still posts very helpful advice on here and stays so that he remembers never to fall back to his old ways.
Just read last nights post which explains why I can't remember exactly what happened. A little drunk. anyway, I relatively calmly asked questions but did do a bit of begging and reasoning, which I know was the wrong thing to do, but my paranoia got the best of me.
It did help me a bit but drove my W further away and she says she knows a lawyer and will go to them on Monday to start the ball rolling. Also turns out that, as expected, her friends are in no way encouraging her to work at her M and actually encouraging her to get the D. These are friends that really don't know me and obviously only know W side of sitch, which I did point out.
I have apologised directly afterwards and then again since this morning as my W said I was bang out of order. Will try and revert back to as was today.
Oh, I'm stupid I know, but feel strangely better for the chat. I may retunr to explain more later, but bit hungover and not all clear but remembering more as I type. Also, by then, I might have more of a feel of the 'aftermath' as W currently still in bed.
I love her dearly and so want to be given the chance to make my M work that my paranoia kicks in !!! ARRRGGGHHH Just don't understand why she won't give it a chance and is so fighting it
Struggling today, really struggling. My worst day so far because of last night and really confused with everything.
Got the pains in my tummy again and not really had them for a while. W gone to BBQ and i'm going in a bit when oldest wakes. I was really looking forward to it, but not sure now. Thought it was going to be a great opportunity to be super dad and show W friends the real me rather than what she has told them so need to get myself sorted out and not ruin that chance.
Might have to go to my mums as I really need a big hug.
Sorry to hear about this downswing in events...FWIW a couple of observations having read your thread.
GALing is about finding something that helps you, during it and following it, not just during it!
Its likely to have struck others too - your backslides and booze seem to be pretty strongly correlated
Being superdad in public is all very well but what is more important is the back-room stuff that helps you be that - becoming that dad you want to be for your boys.
Hope the rest of your w/e perks up!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
