Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives To Hope or Not to Hope?

....that is the question. I've been lurking around here, reading stories and advice, but not daring to hope. I've hesitated starting a thread of my own because that simple step would be a sign that I was allowing myself to hope. I've been hurt and betrayed and have had to play hard ball more than I wanted to.

But here's the thing: I look at my little blue-eyed cherub playing at my feet right now, smiling up at me and laughing, looking so much like his daddy and realize that he's not even going to have his daddy around to watch him grow and explore. This little guy is one of four and all of them are amazing, well-adjusted kids....for now.

So that's my starting point, the "babies". The marriage has the advantage that we love each other still and when we are apart, we miss each other. Between the kids and the love we have for each other, there's a small ember in the ashes that hasn't quite been extinguished. As long as that's there, I can't completely quit. Yet and still, my heart has had enough. I am a strong woman but even the heart of the strong can only take so much.

It has the disadvantage of our age difference. It didn't appear to be a problem before(some people have commented that they didn't even realize there was an age difference) but now it seems like he's going through an early MLC while I, on the other hand,am trying to keep normal family life going.

My husband is adamant about a divorce. We have survived such difficult times, not just in our marriage but in life...deployments, the stillbirth of our son, the illness and near death of our youngest, my near death, my husband's adjustment to his injury, having to switch jobs and not be able to jump out of planes anymore (you'd have to know a paratrooper to know how devastating this can be), army life in general plus all of the stressers from limited finances, personality differences, etc. The list goes on. It has been hard for me to accept that we can't beat this. But he is finished and I can't control that. I can only control me and sometimes that's hard enough.

I don't know how much I'll post. For now, I'm just reading. We've been separated before & on the brink of divorce but never have gone this long without him changing his mind. This is the first time it looks like the real thing to me. But, while I am looking forward to starting a new life, in my gut, I won't have peace in that new life unless I knew I gave reconciliation my all.

I am a firm believer that the "goal" isn't always the "point". More often, the JOURNEY is the POINT. So, in this process, I know that God is shaping me to be the healthiest (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) woman that I can be. That is where my true success will be. The marriage flourishing is just a perk. :-)

You know you are right; the journey is the point. It sounds as if you have an open heart and are looking forward to growth and wherever that may take you. There are people who have been here years and not grasped that fact.

You sound like strong woman who has a good head on her shoulders.

I would imagine your H 'knows' you will be ok.
Do you have much / any contact with him?

To answer your question. never give up hope, but that doesn't mean standing still with your life on hold waiting. Life is too precious and too short.

Nutty

Thank you for replying. :-) I have some contact with him, through email or texting or the phone, but not much. He's in another state for a few months for school.

He moved out unexpectedly in November after we had just had a nice Thanksgiving with family visiting. I thought he was just going through one of his phases but he didn't come back this time. He had a room at the barracks and said he wanted a divorce. I found out later that he had met up with some young girl before he moved out but by the time I found out about her, he had moved on to someone else, none of his OW have been serious or long lasting.

In January, his commander (who was in Iraq at the time, where my husband was supposed to be but they wouldn't let him because he was injured so he was in charge of rear detachment instead)found out that he was staying in the barracks. He sent a message to the captain to tell him to "get his a$$ out of my barracks and back home with his family where he belongs". So, after much stress, he moved back here for the month before he left for school. It didn't go well at first but I just kept my life going without him, respectfully, but not acting like his "wife", and using "tough love". It was hard for me but I knew I had to maintain my dignity and not be clingy.

Around Valentine's Day (a week before he was to leave for school), things started to change. He asked me on a date and we spent a lot of time together. Sex was a part of it, too. That's the one area where our passion for each other has stayed alive and strong, strangely.

By the time he left for school, it felt like a "normal" time of preparing for an army separation. We weren't talking about our relationship, we were just "having one". A week after he left, he surprised us by making the long drive back to surprise us and spend the weekend. We had a great time as a family.

We've had some big arguments in the past month, though, related to separating the finances. He has made a lot of changes in that area and I don't know from one week to the next if I'll have money to pay bills and take care of the kids. I finally had to go to his command and eventually victim advocacy on post to get him to commit to a dollar amount.

He doesn't process negative emotions well and tends to go into his "dark cave" as we call it around her. Plus, he seems to think that because he decided in his own head that he didn't want to be married anymore that it's just SO. There are no separation papers or anything. I am a stay-at-home mom as a career choice. I take this job very seriously and am passionate about it. He still has responsibilities to this family whether or not he lives like a single person or not.

I hope I'm not posting too much. lol I just feel like I can finally talk about things. I have a blog that I post to regularly and a myspace page but family looks at those so I do the whole "chin up" thing there. I don't dare let my loved ones (friends or family) know that I am still holding out hope. They've all had enough of his mood swings and how they affect me and the kids. They are proud of me for finally taking a stand.

But I need to talk to someone about what's going on in my heart and head because sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode with the heartache. I need to go to a counselor, too.

Anyway, he just called and we talked briefly before he went to class. He had gotten "jealous" the other day when I had mentioned that I have a close friend that I talk to on the phone who is of the opposite sex. H was talking about being bored and lonely and I jokingly said that when he's out the next time, he should do some light-hearted flirting because it can be a mood lifter. I told him it works for me (mind you, it could be with a toothless old man. lol). So the next morning, I get a text wanting to know if I had sex with anyone. I said no. He wanted to know about my phone conversations with the opposite sex. I told him it wasn't any of his business considering I've been the faithful one and he's cheated on me umpteen times and is now adamant about divorce.

My friend is solely that, a friend. He has a lot of clout in the army and helps me know my entitlements or goes to bat for me with the command when my H is acting up. But I was so surprised how jealous H is of him. So when I ask him today, "should I move on?" (not meaning with another man, but just in general) He says firmly, "We are getting divorced. We don't work being married to each other" Ouch! it felt like he kicked me in the chest. He said he was coming to NC soon. I asked him why and he said because he really wanted to see the kids. After we hung up, he texted me that he was looking forward to seeing me as well. I typed back, "I can't" (because at that moment, I was trying to catch my breath from crying but didn't want him to know). He misunderstood what I was saying and thought I meant something else (about sex). I told him that I wanted to work things out eventually but there would have to be changes made in both of us. But that since he didn't want that, I had to move on without him.

I don't know if I should have contact or not have contact. It is sooo hard not to call him or text him or email him. I try so hard. But it also hurts so much to love him and to not be wanted. I know I need to get the DB book. I'm going to check the Post library to see if they have it. I'm sure a lot of my questions will be answered there.

If my posts are too long, someone graciously tell me, okay? :-) I just feel like a floodgate has opened. I do talk too much so I'll make a concerted effort to use less words. lol

(((((lovnlrn)))))
To start, I don't think anyone will say your posts are too long. It's way easier for people to give advice, or even just commiserate, when they have somegthing to go on! And besides that, it really helps you to get it all off your chest! So, post away, no one is counting words!

Do try to find the books, Divorce Remedy is the more recent one, and is generally the preffered one, but either would be a place to start.

From what I have read so far, I think the age difference may be an issue, more for him than for you. Since you've been together for nine tears, I would say that he never had a part of his youth, and that part of what he is doing is sort of making up for that. (None of that conscious, of course.) He is sort of acting like a mid-20s single guy. So, maybe it is possible to wait it out, though it may be that by then the damage is too great. But, at least you are the one that can decide that.

As far as contact goes, I think that you might be in a position where the less you have the better. For sure, any time you contact him, he is going to feel pressured. Even if it is about the kids. (I'm wondering if part of his problem is just the pressure of being a dad, several times over.) So, little contact, and no talk about your relationship are where I think you want to start.

I'm going to go find someone that I think might be able to help you...

Hey, Jeff sent me your way.

I am also an Army wife (I have the "Army Wife: Toughest Job in the Army" on my car BTW ), we survived an 18 month combat deployment, and then he came home, got depressed (possibly also PTSD) and found an OW and started talking separation and D.

I also wanted to comment on your H's age and the age difference - my H never lived alone, he lived with guys during college, family before then, guys in the barracks, me, a roommate or two or three while he was deployed, then came home to me. He was flat out jealous that I got to live alone for 18 months, set my own schedule, manage all our finances, and have my own life. He has never had that, he has never truly been independent, and he didn't have as much of a crazy single college time as a lot of his friends.

Throw in the stress of separations and reunions and a few kids (in your case), it's a recipe for disaster if not handled properly.

You mentioned he has left before but always come back. DR addresses this as the love and intimacy being there, but the changes made during separation not sticking.

As some food for thought, what did you do or not do previously when separated that might have changed his mind?

I'll post more later since I'm at work.

Thanks Michelle! I knew you would be able to say something useful!

Oh, and his injury - quite possible it triggered an early MLC or QLC (quarter-life crisis). My H was infantry, but was having vision problems on his deployment because he had Lasik surgery prior and his eyes were so dry they would blur. He ended up getting pulled from their patrols and put to work around the base doing maintenance and answering the radios and such. BIG blow to his ego and feelings of self-worth.

Another girl on here, klm, her H was in the Air Force if you want to go back and read her past threads.

Lovnlrn~ welcome, this is a hard place to be, but you will find all sorts of wonderful people here Never worry or feel guilty about how long your posts are, it helps those of us who are trying to offer advice to you get a better idea of your sitch. It also helps you to get some of your bottled up feeling/emotions off your chest...this is deffinitly the place to do that!

As for your sitch, a) detatch, detatch, detatch! as hard as it is to do, let him come to you, the more you persue him, the further you will push him out the door, b) get the books DR/DB, great stuff in there, also other authors have wonderful stuff on R/M Gary Chapman 5 love languages, Patricia Love, and John Gray just to name a few, c) something new that the DB coaches have thrown out there are the 4 steps to reconciling a M, you may see them floating around on the boards, it's good stuff...1. defuse negative emotions (time and space) 2.friendship (communicate like good friends) 3. Romance and dating (MC would start here) 4. reconcilliation

I wish you all the best, this is a great place to start. As long as you have love in your heart, anything is possible.

(((hugs)))
christarn

Thank you, Jeff, for pointing Michelle my way. :-) Good advice (from both of you :-) )

And thank you all for your advice, understanding and compassion. I was hoping to type some more tonight when the house quieted down but the problem is that once it settles down here, it hits me how tired I am. lol One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was: sleep when the baby sleeps. :-)

I read the thread on What Newcomers Need to Hear. Amazing stuff. Some of the posts made light bulbs go off in my head and gave me some good "Aha!" moments. Sometimes I can see clearly how things are playing out and then other times, my emotions and my own baggage of rejection create a lot of static and noise.

One thing I find helpful that I've done off and on for our years together (but obviously, not often enough) is to mentally step outside of my role of wife/lover and look at him from the vantage point of best friend. Friendship is what started our relationship so I try to view him as a friend would. Helps me a lot.

Well, that's all for now. My brain isn't working and I need to sleep. Our days start too early. :-)